I hate that I love you.

I hate that talking to you makes me feel better.

I hate that the fire of hope won't die.

I hate that I can't stop wishing.

I hate that the idea of talking to you makes me feel better but thinking it may be the last time makes me sick to my stomach.

I hate that I don't want to be your friend because I can't be more.  But I can't imagine not being your friend even if I can't be more.

I hate that I can't move on and terrified you will.

I hate that I want to move, but I don't want to move for you because I'm scared it won't be enough for you.

I hate that you can't see what I see. 

I hate that you can't be certain.

I hate having faith in you and not in "us."

I hate crying and being confused, especially when I think one day it may not even matter.

I hate caring.  I hate feeling.  I hate remembering.

Most of all, I hate being me without you.

I've done a lot of forgiving in my life.  I've forgiven others, forgiven people who didn't even know they needed forgiving.  I've even forgiven myself on occasion.  Never once did I think I may need to tell God I forgive Him.  That probably seems sacrilegious to most.  But nonetheless, I did.

With my past breakup I teetered on the edge of anger with God.  Not anger as in "I'll never serve You again." Anger as in, "I trusted You that things would be better, that I wouldn't get hurt again."  I felt as if God had let me down.  He allowed me to walk into a relationship that I and anyone else you would have asked thought was finally the right one.  And out of nowhere it ended.  And I was left looking heavenward and asking God, "How could You do this to me?"  I remember begging God, "Please, not again."  And yet His answers is "Yes, again."

Like I said, I'm sure no one else is cocky enough to question the almighty God, but I did.  I felt like I was in a repeat performance of a previous break up, and I couldn't understand why the sovereign power that was suppose to protect me was allowing me to endure yet another heartbreak.

But once I had wallowed in my misery for a little while, I realized it was time to forgive God.  I knew deep down His intentions were not to hurt me but to teach me and to lead me to something better.  And so I simply told God that I forgave him for not acting as I expected Him.  I forgave Him for allowing hurt to come to my life.  I forgave Him for knowing what was best and yet not revealing to me the reasons why. 

But in that forgiveness I also accepted His forgiveness.  His forgiveness for questioning Him and doubting His love and sovereignty in my life.  I accepted His forgiveness for allowing my selfishness to see only my despair and not the possibilities to come.

I still question why, just about every other day.  I'm still confused, and I've yet to see a reasoning for any of it. However I don't blame God.  I don't blame anyone.  It's just life, just the journey that molds me and forms my personality. It's not easy; it's certainly not without its heartaches. But it is what it is. Accepting it is the only way to live peacefully.

The Everyday Stuff

1. How exciting!  The cardinals won the World Series.  I know you are happy about that.
2. So you know you told me about that movie "Mud" they are filming in Arkansas.  Well Matthew McConaughey is staying at Harlow's!!  They guy of my dreams, well besides you of course, is only 10 minutes away from me!!
3. I'm really upset about my mom.  Will you just give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be ok.

The Major Stuff

1. This break up is stupid.  Your miserable, I'm miserable.  Why can't we just end the misery and be together?
2. It's not fair that you can break up with me and with that decision take people that I really care about out of my life as well.  This isn't just about you and me.  It's about your family and your church family that I have grown to love.  I miss them too!
3. One of the girls from your church even posted on my FB page that she missed me.  Why can everyone see this but you?
4. Why can't we work through this together?  Why won't you let me help you?
5. Why do you get to make the decision of what you and I both deserve. So what if you think you don't deserve me.  I do!
6. How come it took 2 of us to decide to be together, but only 1 of us to end it.
7. What if I just downright refuse to let you walk away from me!

I am in complete and utter confusion.  I am frustrated, tired, and stressed.  Every aspect of my life seems messed up, and I have question upon question with no answers.

And I am the first one to admit that things could be WAY worse.  However, my pain is still real, my predicaments are still confusing, and I still feel at a complete loss as to what direction to take.

And the biggest problem is that almost every situation is beyond my control.  I don't have a say in anything.  I can't make someone love me that doesn't.  I can't make sick people better.  I can't make test scores jump to miraculous heights.  I can't make things make sense.

And I'm angry.  I'm not cursing-God-angry; I'm confused-angry.  I'm I-can't-take-one-more-step-until-you-answer-me-angry. 

And so I wait, but I feel as though the longer I wait, the more complicated it gets.  I'm just ready for an answer, a sign, a confirmation that I'm still on the right track, that I'm not losing my mind. 

I know there's a plan....I just wonder how much pain is left in it.

So I'm dealing with some personal issues, and as I do when I need to think things through, I turned to my blog. It was actually so encouraging to read past posts and see how God had answered prayers and how things that I thought were impossible, became possible. It left me encouraged, almost completely encouraged.  So much encouraged that I am almost positive that the issues are soon to resolve. 

And that scares me a little.  It seems crazy to go from a complete mess to an over-positive hopeful in the matter of a day.  So I'm trying to balance keeping low expectations so that I don't get my feelings hurt even worst and making positive things happen to positive thinkers. I want to name it and claim it, while I'm also thinking, don't say something that is gonna make you look like a fool later.

So I'm holding on and being hopeful, while not being too hopeful.  I'm sure hoping the hopeful side wins.

I've learned that one way or another, you will have to face some issues in your life.  There are insecurities, flaws, imperfections that we all have.  We are aware of them.  But they aren't always present, and we can hide them so deep that during the good times, you forget about them completely.  But as soon as the trouble comes, the pesky problems rear their ugly heads.  Sometimes you have enough strength to push them back down into their hiding place and act as if nothing happened.  Sometimes, you just don't have the strength to hide it anymore.

And so eventually, like it or not, you have to face the demons.  I had to face some insecurities about myself.  But the only way I knew to handle it was to take it to the Lord.  My strength was gone, but thankfully, in my weakness, He is strong!  I sat down and had a heart to heart.  Then I said...ok God, here are these insecurities....get 'em good!

As I prayed, I began to ask God "Why am I this?  Why am I that?" 

And with His still small voice he began to answer me.  "Who said you are this or that?  I never said that.  The enemy told you that, not me." 

"Well God, if that's not who I am, then why does this keep happening??"  I questioned.

"Your circumstances and situations don't define you. They propel you into who I want you to become.  You were made in MY image.  You are MY child.  You have your being in ME.  You can't listen to doubt, fear, and suspicion.  You can only listen to what my word says."

Well that dialoge gave me some strength, and I began to list what God's word says.  "Well God, your word says you aren't man that you should lie, but that you would keep every promise.  And your word says all God's promises have been fulfilled through Christ.  So what you have promised me  has already been done, and you already said it.  And you can't lie.  So you gotta do what you said.  And you said that you wouldn't withhold any good thing from your children.   God, you said this and that was good, and if it's good, you'll give it to me, and you can't lie....so it's gotta be mine, right?"

"Now you're getting it darling...."

Before I knew it, God and I had kicked those insecurities butts!  Now, I am foolish enough to think they will never come back?  Of course not, but I know what their scared of....and I have that word hidden in my heart, ready to pull it out anytime necessary!

Today I woke up with some sad things on my mind, and I was fighting a small dose of depression. I sat down on the floor in my room as I tied my shoes, swallowing back tears, and whispered up a prayer. "God I'm gonna gonna need your strength to make it today, more so than normal." I read my daily scripture and meditated on the thought that I move, breathe, and exist only in Christ. I made it to school determined not to focus on my lack but on my blessings.

It didn't take long for God to show up and answer my prayer. By the time I made it to the first class period of the day, God said "Let me show you how GREAT I am!!"

There is a girl at our school who found out when she was in 8th grade that she had tumors on her spine. She had the tumors removed and was then placed in a wheelchair due to some paralysis. She's now in 10th grade and found out that the cancer had spread to her brain. She simply said "They got it off my spine; they can get it off my brain." Despite the bad diagnosis, she stayed positive. You could never catch her without a smile, and she was determined to come to school everyday possible. She's been in the hospital for 5 weeks of treatment and had her latest diagnosis yesterday. The radiation shrunk the tumors, and she is going to be fine!

I did cry today, but it wasn't out of self-centered sadness. Instead my tears were from joy and love for my miraculous savior. He sent me the strength I needed along with a reminder that he has it all under control!