Late Night Stress Related Sob Fest
Kim
I just need someone to tell me what to do. I need them to make the decision for me that I can't seem to make on my own. Every time I think I have made up my mind, I become doubtful yet again.

I just need to sit down and have a good cry, and I'm sure by the time I post this blog, I will have had it. I'm just stressed. Completely, utterly, worn slap out. I teach plus grad school plus extra-curricular activities with school plus training for the class I am currently teaching. Through school, sleep, and Jesus in there and there isn't a free minute. And the world keeps spinning, and people don't stop having their lives because my life is busy. And I feel left out.

Lately, I haven't been able to connect with anyone or anything. I feel so useless and worthless. I feel unlovable, as if no one will ever really be able to accept the real me. And whether these things are true or not...it's how I feel right now and it's all a bit overwhelming.


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Tragedy
Kim
I just received extremely sad new; a former student of mine was killed instantly in a car crash earlier today. She was on my yearbook staff a couple of years ago and was one of the students that I was closest too, even after graduation. She texted me and kept in touch via Facebook. I saw her with her boyfriend at a softball game last week. She let me borrow her pony tail holder. I meant to get it back to her soon.

This is the 3rd student/former student that has passed away since school started in August. It's hard for me as a teacher to see life end so tragically, so abruptly. They aren't suppose to die. They are teenagers. But here I am, creating memorials for these students to put in the upcoming yearbook. Here we are comforting students who have lost their brother, sister, and friends.
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Blog's Behind but Life is Good!
Kim
I am sorry for the long delay between blog posts. Who knew life would get so busy? But, alas, I have scheduled time to write to those faithful followers that are left!

So a quick run-down of what has been going on in my life lately:

  • Grad school has been kicking my butt...so I kicked back! Scored a 102 on my first Intro to Counseling class and a 100 on my first counseling video! It's requiring a lot of work, but I'm managing. I may only take 1 class next semester because Spring Semester is usually my busiest at school. We'll see how it works.
  • I may have conquered my problem of procrastination...least for now. With everything on my plate (2 grad classes, 1 online training, monthly face to face training, etc) I can't afford to get behind. I've been doing a great job of staying on top of the game, if I do say so myself.
  • I got a DOG! He's a 2 year old Yorkie who is house trained and use to apartment life. Between my brother and I, I am sure we can manage him. If not, I'll reluctantly give him back. But for now, he's great and a perfect fit!

I can honestly say that God has been giving me strength, opening door, and giving me favor in my employer's eyes. Things have been going well and several other things are in the works as far as school is concerned. If you would have asked me a month ago, I would have told you that I was in over my head with no light at the end of the tunnel. Now I feel like I'm strolling through a grassy meadow with the sun shinning brightly on me. I'm happy, fulfilled, and truly trusting in the leading of the Lord!
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Isn't it Ironic?
Kim
My favorite line from the Alanis Morissette '90's hit, "Ironic", is "It's like meeting the man of your dreams....then meeting his beautiful wife..."

So with that opening line, you know that there is a back story, right. Here it comes.

My mom just underwent some serious surgery this week, and praise be to God, she is doing well and will be coming back home tomorrow. As a result of the surgery, I was sending out mass text messages to just about every contact in my cell to keep everyone updated.

After the 3rd or 4th text, finally declaring that mom was awake and doing well, I got a text from Good, Ole Boy asking "Did you take off work today?" So I texted back and said "No, I had grad school this afternoon, and mom refused to let me miss my 2nd class." And that, my blogfriends, was the entire conversation. I was never asked how she was neither was I told he was glad she was ok. Simply a random question with no purpose or response.

That doesn't surprise me at all, and I'm not bothered by it. I've come to expect it from him. Just seemed like typical, dumb guy stuff. But that's not the end of the story.

Today, one of the new coaches at school stopped me in the hall and asked me how my classes were last night. He then said, "Well how's your mom doing?" I was a bit taking a back. Did I tell him about my mom? How did he know? Then I remembered that he was in the room when I was talking to another teacher and he heard the conversation. So this super sweet guy remembered a conversation that I wasn't technically even having with him, and then asked me about it the next day!

So why aren't the available guys the nice ones? Why is this unattainable guy the one interested in my life and my concerns? How come a guy I actually had some semi-sort of relationship with didn't seem to care, but this semi-stranger did?

A little too ironic....Yeah, I really do think!
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Pity Party Cancelled!
Kim
I was just about to pop the top on the "Whine" and commence into a nice pity party. I was done wrong, I deserve better, and life just isn't fair. Then an uninvited guest showed up and busted up the party....the truth!

Perhaps I wasn't so innocent after all. I will give myself that I wasn't alone in the wrongdoing. I was definitely done wrong! However, I was just as guilty. I jumped to conclusions, assumed the worst, and ran with my assumptions. Being wronged doesn't justify bad thoughts, ill-feelings, or rude words. The situation should have been handled completely differently and perhaps would have spared a lot of drama and hurt feelings. I suppose I was too caught up with expecting the worst that I made it up all on my own. And knowing my actions would be found guilty in court may not change the future, it does change the present me.

So today I sucked up my pride and self-righteous behavior. I put away the whine and party supplies and went straight to the apology. The person I apologized to assured me that an apology wasn't warranted, and apparently he/she didn't think he/she needed to give one up either. But the apology wasn't necessarily for that person, it was for me. And it wasn't given to elicit one from the other person either. I needed to get it out of my spirit. I needed to be able to put it all behind me. I needed to know that I handled things the best way I could, even if it was from hindsight. I had to be the Christian I claimed to be, and I needed the healing.

So for all of those looking for some "whine and cheese", I'm fresh out. Party cancelled!
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1 Down....179 to Go!
Kim
Well today was the first day of school. I know....WAY TOO EARLY! People here in the MS Delta haven't figured out that most people don't start until Labor Day. Oh well, we will survive.

Today was actually a great first day. I am teaching a new class for both me and the school, Information and Communication Technology 1 (ICT1). I'm really excited about teaching computers and typing and all the cool gadgets I get for my room. The only set back is that my equipment hasn't come in yet. So I'm teaching a Technology class without Technology! It should be in soon, and I have several things to do before we even need to begin with the computers.

Besides starting this new class, I'll be attending 2 grad classes on the 19th. I am going to begin work on my Master's in School Counseling. I'm a bit nervous about handling the workload of teaching and learning, but I think I'm going to be able to balance it all. Perhaps it's for the best I'm not managing a new relationship as well. Least that's one less thing to worry with. However, if the right one comes along, I'll just have to balance! :)
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Mustering Up a Fight
Kim
One day I'm going to log into blogger and write this great post on how everything is going my way and how I've found the love of my life. One day, things are going to work in my favor and there will be no drama or trauma. Unfortunately, today isn't that day.

One of my old students accidentally shot and killed his best friend, another former student of mine. They were going into the 10th grade. I can't even fathom what that poor boy and the family of the deceased child is going through. I can't imagine how terrified and sad and angry and confused they must be. And all I can muster is, thank God I'm not having to deal with that kind of sadness.

Good, ole boy is totally out of the picture. Why is not an issue I'm going to discuss here in the blogosphere, but it didn't work out. I know that I was extremely confused about how he made me feel, but part of that was fear to get too attached because I was afraid, just like every other guy, he would walk away. I'm not heartbroken over the situation. Obviously I never allowed myself to get too attached, and it didn't really last that long. I am frustrated because I'm tired of getting caught up with the wrong one. I'm tired of being disappointed and again fearing I'll be alone forever. And all I can muster is, thank God I found out before I fell in love, and thank God I'm not in a bad relationship and miserable.

My family got bad news at the doctor's office this week. It's not terminal, completely curable. We aren't 100% sure of treatment until the next doctor appointment, but there's a possibility that treatment could suck. It's scary and frustrating and confusing. And all I can muster up is, thank God we are all still alive.

Sometimes faith and hope are hard to come by. Sometimes it looks really ugly and deformed, but sometimes that's all we have to offer. Sometimes the only thing holding us up is threatening to fall down with us in tow. But in those times you gotta decide whether to fight or lay down and die. Dying isn't an option for me, so fighting is the only choice....no matter how weak I may be or how ugly it may look.
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