Originally Unoriginal

So the other day I simply prayed "God, if you aren't going to restore this relationship, help me move on.  I'm ready to be through with this."  A few hours later I had an email from him saying "I'm moving on.  If you want to discuss this, we can, but after that I can't speak to you anymore.  I need to make some decisions with a clear conscious."  And that was it.  Couldn't get more final than that!  Maybe if the email had come a few days or a week later.  But no, there was no mistaking this answer from God.  "You asked for it...poof!"  And there it was...the answer to what I had been praying for since September.  I'm not sure what made me pray that prayer that way on that day.  I'm not sure what made God answer the prayer with an email that quickly.  But whatever the reason, there was no denying that it was God. And of course, it wasn't the answer I wanted.  It was infuriating.  Why now God?  Why answer this prayer now? 

I think I have a twisted view of God.  But I'm not sure I can help it because it's the view I have of Him.  And our view of others is due to experiences and perspectives, and how can you change those? So the backstory....I've always been ok with Greenville.  I mean, I love to travel, and I know this town is kind of a dump, but I've always been satisfied here.  I've been content with being near my family, being involved in church, and having a good job.  But over the past few years, especially this year, I have become distant from the town and the things that use to make me feel content.  Now the thought of being here another year makes me want to curl up and cry. My job is frustrating, and the fulfillment I once had is quickly dying out. I won't lie, a big part of all this frustration is my dating life.  I've never had a lot of boyfriends, but I've always been so busy and had so many guy friends, that I was ok.  But then the past 2 years I've dat

I was afraid to give you my heart, Afraid you would break it in two. But I just couldn't help myself; I fell in love with you. And now you say it's over, That it's just not where you should be. But sitting on the ground Nothing but tears and ashes all around That's where you left me... I watched your things burn. Breathed in the smoke of the remains. The shirt from the trip to the beach, The letter you sent that one week, I watched it all just slip away. Now there's nothing left but a charred mess, Nothing in which to cling. I may have burned these things -- But I can't burn away the memories.

I hate that I love you. I hate that talking to you makes me feel better. I hate that the fire of hope won't die. I hate that I can't stop wishing. I hate that the idea of talking to you makes me feel better but thinking it may be the last time makes me sick to my stomach. I hate that I don't want to be your friend because I can't be more.  But I can't imagine not being your friend even if I can't be more. I hate that I can't move on and terrified you will. I hate that I want to move, but I don't want to move for you because I'm scared it won't be enough for you. I hate that you can't see what I see.  I hate that you can't be certain. I hate having faith in you and not in "us." I hate crying and being confused, especially when I think one day it may not even matter. I hate caring.  I hate feeling.  I hate remembering. Most of all, I hate being me without you.

I've done a lot of forgiving in my life.  I've forgiven others, forgiven people who didn't even know they needed forgiving.  I've even forgiven myself on occasion.  Never once did I think I may need to tell God I forgive Him.  That probably seems sacrilegious to most.  But nonetheless, I did. With my past breakup I teetered on the edge of anger with God.  Not anger as in "I'll never serve You again." Anger as in, "I trusted You that things would be better, that I wouldn't get hurt again."  I felt as if God had let me down.  He allowed me to walk into a relationship that I and anyone else you would have asked thought was finally the right one.  And out of nowhere it ended.  And I was left looking heavenward and asking God, "How could You do this to me?"  I remember begging God, "Please, not again."  And yet His answers is "Yes, again." Like I said, I'm sure no one else is cocky enough to question the almi