Originally Unoriginal

Forgiving God

2012-01-01T01:14:00.000-06:00

I've done a lot of forgiving in my life. I've forgiven others, forgiven people who didn't even know they needed forgiving. I've even forgiven myself on occasion. Never once did I think I may need to tell God I forgive Him. That probably seems sacrilegious to most. But nonetheless, I did.

With my past breakup I teetered on the edge of anger with God. Not anger as in "I'll never serve You again." Anger as in, "I trusted You that things would be better, that I wouldn't get hurt again." I felt as if God had let me down. He allowed me to walk into a relationship that I and anyone else you would have asked thought was finally the right one. And out of nowhere it ended. And I was left looking heavenward and asking God, "How could You do this to me?" I remember begging God, "Please, not again." And yet His answers is "Yes, again."

Like I said, I'm sure no one else is cocky enough to question the almighty God, but I did. I felt like I was in a repeat performance of a previous break up, and I couldn't understand why the sovereign power that was suppose to protect me was allowing me to endure yet another heartbreak.

But once I had wallowed in my misery for a little while, I realized it was time to forgive God. I knew deep down His intentions were not to hurt me but to teach me and to lead me to something better. And so I simply told God that I forgave him for not acting as I expected Him. I forgave Him for allowing hurt to come to my life. I forgave Him for knowing what was best and yet not revealing to me the reasons why.

But in that forgiveness I also accepted His forgiveness. His forgiveness for questioning Him and doubting His love and sovereignty in my life. I accepted His forgiveness for allowing my selfishness to see only my despair and not the possibilities to come.

I still question why, just about every other day. I'm still confused, and I've yet to see a reasoning for any of it. However I don't blame God. I don't blame anyone. It's just life, just the journey that molds me and forms my personality. It's not easy; it's certainly not without its heartaches. But it is what it is. Accepting it is the only way to live peacefully.

What I Want to Say!

2011-10-30T20:33:00.003-05:00

The Everyday Stuff

How exciting! The cardinals won the World Series. I know you are happy about that.
So you know you told me about that movie "Mud" they are filming in Arkansas. Well Matthew McConaughey is staying at Harlow's!! They guy of my dreams, well besides you of course, is only 10 minutes away from me!!
I'm really upset about my mom. Will you just give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be ok.

The Major Stuff

This break up is stupid. Your miserable, I'm miserable. Why can't we just end the misery and be together?
It's not fair that you can break up with me and with that decision take people that I really care about out of my life as well. This isn't just about you and me. It's about your family and your church family that I have grown to love. I miss them too!
One of the girls from your church even posted on my FB page that she missed me. Why can everyone see this but you?
Why can't we work through this together? Why won't you let me help you?
Why do you get to make the decision of what you and I both deserve. So what if you think you don't deserve me. I do!
How come it took 2 of us to decide to be together, but only 1 of us to end it.
What if I just downright refuse to let you walk away from me!

I'm drowning....

2011-10-23T21:58:00.000-05:00

I am in complete and utter confusion. I am frustrated, tired, and stressed. Every aspect of my life seems messed up, and I have question upon question with no answers.

And I am the first one to admit that things could be WAY worse. However, my pain is still real, my predicaments are still confusing, and I still feel at a complete loss as to what direction to take.

And the biggest problem is that almost every situation is beyond my control. I don't have a say in anything. I can't make someone love me that doesn't. I can't make sick people better. I can't make test scores jump to miraculous heights. I can't make things make sense.

And I'm angry. I'm not cursing-God-angry; I'm confused-angry. I'm I-can't-take-one-more-step-until-you-answer-me-angry.

And so I wait, but I feel as though the longer I wait, the more complicated it gets. I'm just ready for an answer, a sign, a confirmation that I'm still on the right track, that I'm not losing my mind.

I know there's a plan....I just wonder how much pain is left in it.

Hoping with Low Expectations

2011-09-27T21:00:00.000-05:00

So I'm dealing with some personal issues, and as I do when I need to think things through, I turned to my blog. It was actually so encouraging to read past posts and see how God had answered prayers and how things that I thought were impossible, became possible. It left me encouraged, almost completely encouraged. So much encouraged that I am almost positive that the issues are soon to resolve.

And that scares me a little. It seems crazy to go from a complete mess to an over-positive hopeful in the matter of a day. So I'm trying to balance keeping low expectations so that I don't get my feelings hurt even worst and making positive things happen to positive thinkers. I want to name it and claim it, while I'm also thinking, don't say something that is gonna make you look like a fool later.

So I'm holding on and being hopeful, while not being too hopeful. I'm sure hoping the hopeful side wins.

Beating up some Insecurities

2011-09-26T21:04:00.002-05:00

I've learned that one way or another, you will have to face some issues in your life. There are insecurities, flaws, imperfections that we all have. We are aware of them. But they aren't always present, and we can hide them so deep that during the good times, you forget about them completely. But as soon as the trouble comes, the pesky problems rear their ugly heads. Sometimes you have enough strength to push them back down into their hiding place and act as if nothing happened. Sometimes, you just don't have the strength to hide it anymore.

And so eventually, like it or not, you have to face the demons. I had to face some insecurities about myself. But the only way I knew to handle it was to take it to the Lord. My strength was gone, but thankfully, in my weakness, He is strong! I sat down and had a heart to heart. Then I said...ok God, here are these insecurities....get 'em good!

As I prayed, I began to ask God "Why am I this? Why am I that?"

And with His still small voice he began to answer me. "Who said you are this or that? I never said that. The enemy told you that, not me."

"Well God, if that's not who I am, then why does this keep happening??" I questioned.

"Your circumstances and situations don't define you. They propel you into who I want you to become. You were made in MY image. You are MY child. You have your being in ME. You can't listen to doubt, fear, and suspicion. You can only listen to what my word says."

Well that dialoge gave me some strength, and I began to list what God's word says. "Well God, your word says you aren't man that you should lie, but that you would keep every promise. And your word says all God's promises have been fulfilled through Christ. So what you have promised me has already been done, and you already said it. And you can't lie. So you gotta do what you said. And you said that you wouldn't withhold any good thing from your children. God, you said this and that was good, and if it's good, you'll give it to me, and you can't lie....so it's gotta be mine, right?"

"Now you're getting it darling...."

Before I knew it, God and I had kicked those insecurities butts! Now, I am foolish enough to think they will never come back? Of course not, but I know what their scared of....and I have that word hidden in my heart, ready to pull it out anytime necessary!

My Miracle Student

2011-04-01T20:43:00.005-05:00

Today I woke up with some sad things on my mind, and I was fighting a small dose of depression. I sat down on the floor in my room as I tied my shoes, swallowing back tears, and whispered up a prayer. "God I'm gonna gonna need your strength to make it today, more so than normal." I read my daily scripture and meditated on the thought that I move, breathe, and exist only in Christ. I made it to school determined not to focus on my lack but on my blessings.

It didn't take long for God to show up and answer my prayer. By the time I made it to the first class period of the day, God said "Let me show you how GREAT I am!!"

There is a girl at our school who found out when she was in 8th grade that she had tumors on her spine. She had the tumors removed and was then placed in a wheelchair due to some paralysis. She's now in 10th grade and found out that the cancer had spread to her brain. She simply said "They got it off my spine; they can get it off my brain." Despite the bad diagnosis, she stayed positive. You could never catch her without a smile, and she was determined to come to school everyday possible. She's been in the hospital for 5 weeks of treatment and had her latest diagnosis yesterday. The radiation shrunk the tumors, and she is going to be fine!

I did cry today, but it wasn't out of self-centered sadness. Instead my tears were from joy and love for my miraculous savior. He sent me the strength I needed along with a reminder that he has it all under control!

Dead Dreams

2011-03-16T17:22:00.003-05:00

I figured it was time to end it all. Even though the fire was out, I should just throw some more water on it. Kill off any remaining embers in case a random breeze would fuel them again. Was it coincidence that thought came to me almost simultaneously as your news came to you?

While my dreams died, yours were born.

Yet I've come to learn that the dreams of today are not always the dreams of tomorrow. And although mine may have ended for now, new ones will rise.

Someone said something recently that I never thought about before. If you tell someone that you trust him to complete a task, yet you constantly pester him about getting the job done and ask how the task is coming, is it really trust? It seems like you are still trying to keep control and don't trust that the man is truly capable of completing the job without you.

So while I feel like things are falling apart, I am trying to remember to truly trust. I'm not going to ask why a million times or ask when the job will be completed. I am going to trust that He is up to date with the present failure and has a greater plan. And He doesn't need my help -- just my trust now and my cooperation when the time comes.

On it's way...

2011-02-20T17:24:00.004-06:00

Forgiveness is a funny thing. Sometimes it's so easy, while other times, it seems impossible. I know women that forgive men that hurt them or abuse them, but will hold a grudge against a girl-friend for years. Why do we do that? How do we hold on to certain things, and let other things go? There was once a guy who did tons of stupid things to me, yet I always seemed to find a way to forgive him. Perhaps it was just plain ole stupidity. Maybe, we easily forgive those that we are scared to lose. Perhaps we easily forgive those because we are scared not to forgive them. Either way, it seems pretty messed up.

I'm in a current situation, where I know I have to forgive, and for the most part, feel like I have. However, this forgiveness doesn't feel the same as usual. I can't seem to easily pass it off and embrace the ones I forgave. Quite the opposite, I want to stay far, far away from the entire situation.

Some may say it isn't true forgiveness; some may say I amjust being protective. But even though I said I have forgiven, I still felt nauseated just thinking about the situation. But today, as I was sitting in church, I looked at my phone and saw a post on Facebook. "Love prospers when a fault is forgiven, but dwelling on it separates close friends." Proverbs 17:9

If I want to walk in true love, then I have to truly forgive and no longer dwell on it. It's gonna take some time for the "dwelling" part to go away. It is going to take some willpower, but I feel confident that I can. I know that with God's help, I can do what seems impossible. I know that complete forgiveness is on the way.

Pragmatic Girl

2011-01-27T20:30:00.003-06:00

The following was written about me just a few days ago by someone who stumbled upon my blog. I must admit, it is a bit frightening how accurate it is! If you are interested, go and check out more of his writings -- allIhaveIstheseWords

She loves God and she loves Jesus
And she always tries to sport rosy glasses
She’ll stand by for that guy, but why does it seem he won’t make it?
They say good things come to those who wait
But those good things don’t seem to wait for her
She wonders late at night if the effort’s worth it
Losing faith in man but not in the man above
She wants what every girl wants and that’s just to be loved
After disappointment from so many opportunities
I’ll never forget one night what she said to me

I want to feel alive
I want a love that’s all mine
I want vindication
I want my sunrise
Tomorrows are never ending
Today is misery’s disguise
I’m tired of waiting wondering why
I’m leaving now to find my sunrise

Unanswered calls and unanswered prayers
Her world keeps spinning even when she is not there
She could sell herself short if she just settled
But she’s too passionate and a lil too scared
Love’s a game and she plays for keeps
But no one can return feelings that are remotely concrete
She knows a great book doesn’t equal a great kiss
If she protects her heart she won’t know what she’s missed
You can try to break her heart but you can’t break what’s never been fixed
Her whispers in my ear sound a little like this

I want to feel alive
I want a love that’s all mine
I want vindication
I want my sunrise
Tomorrows are never ending
Today is misery’s disguise
I’m tired of waiting wondering why
I’m leaving now to find my sunrise

It's a Good Thing to Hope For Help from God

2011-01-23T21:53:00.006-06:00

I was looking for a scripture and came across this excellent version of Lamentations 3. It comes from The Message. I remember very well moments when I felt like I had hit rock bottom. What an excellent reminder to keep hope alive!

I gave up on life altogether.
I've forgotten what the good life is like.
I said to myself, "This is it. I'm finished.
God is a lost cause."
I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness,
the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed.
I remember it all—oh, how well I remember—
the feeling of hitting the bottom.
But there's one other thing I remember,
and remembering, I keep a grip on hope:

God's loyal love couldn't have run out,
his merciful love couldn't have dried up.
They're created new every morning.
How great your faithfulness!
I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over).
He's all I've got left.

God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits,
to the woman who diligently seeks.
It's a good thing to quietly hope,
quietly hope for help from God.
It's a good thing when you're young
to stick it out through the hard times.

When life is heavy and hard to take,
go off by yourself. Enter the silence.
Bow in prayer. Don't ask questions:
Wait for hope to appear.
Don't run from trouble. Take it full-face.
The "worst" is never the worst.

Why? Because the Master won't ever
walk out and fail to return.

Tomorrow...is only a sunrise away!

2011-01-17T22:32:00.003-06:00

It's been almost a year since I've written anything. Lately I've had a lot of people ask me about my blog, and even today I received an email from someone who had stumbled upon my blog. I started writing this as a creative outlet, and it turned into therapy for me. I never thought it would become anything anyone else would care about. Perhaps it was helpful to others. But despite it's original intentions, it was helpful to me, and it's been helpful to read all the CRAZINESS I've been through. Sometimes it's good to see how I've matured in the past 5 years, and then, how somethings never change.

And so here I am, writing again. Sharing something that may help someone, but really just chronically another event in my life that I may want to remember in the years to come.

I went on a cruise back in October, and I was determined to see a sunrise on the ocean horizon. So the last day of the cruise, I woke my mom up at 6:30, we threw on some clothes and went to the top deck of the ship. It was a bit cloudy outside and kind of light out, so I wasn't sure if we'd missed it or not. We waited for about 45 minutes and a group of people who had obviously been waiting for the sunrise also walked by us and said "What a let down." I looked at my mom, "Did we miss it? Surely not?" So I decided we should wait just a little while longer. Not 10 minutes later, we saw what looked like a fire in the horizon. And that fire morphed into one of the most beautiful sunrises I have ever seen.

But I almost missed it. I almost gave up, just like the others. And I felt God speaking in that experience. How many things have I missed out on because I was in a rush, and I wasn't patient enough. And how many times have I complained about things, said what a let down, and walked away, missing something amazing in my life. I know that God has some amazing, majestic things for my life, but I have to be patient. I have to wait for just the right time and then the beauty will come. It may not be when I expect it, but it will come.

In fact...my tomorrow is only a sunrise away!

Taylor

2010-05-08T23:59:00.003-05:00

You were suppose to be "the one." You were suppose to love me forever. You were the one who was suppose to make me forget all of my fears. I had my doubts along the way, but you always proved me wrong. Then out of the blue, you showed me why I was scared. You lived up to all of those doubts. Just when I was almost healed, you broke me again.

And I'm just suppose to move on....to forget? And it's suppose to be for my good? To spare me? Because I deserve better? You were the better. You were what I wanted. If loneliness and pain is better...I'll take worse any day.

How am I to act as if you no longer exist. How am I suppose to stop caring in the matter of a second? How am I to delete your name, your number, your memory? I can't do that. I can't un-love you.

But unfortunately, you've left me no choice but to try...and it's an impossible task.

Trust to Die For

2009-11-10T16:27:00.003-06:00

Jesus and I sat and had an intense conversation today. It was good to have the time to just sit down and enjoy talking with him without feeling rushed. Grad school and a full time job doesn't offer a ton of down time.

But during our time together, he impressed upon me a scripture "Yet he slay me, yet will I trust Him." I know the verse; I know what it means, but for the first time, I let the weight of those words really sink in. I have a hard time with trust, and to apply this verse to my life, the real truth of this verse, is a bit overwhelming.

When I pray this verse, I'm saying "God, even if all my hopes and ambitions and dreams are never fulfilled, even if I never get what I want, even if everything in my life falls apart, I will still trust that God has it under control." Do we really realize how heavy that is?? That's trust beyond my imagination.

I know that God wants me to trust Him that much. And I'm learning. But something else I realized is that trust that big has to have LOVE that big. God loves me so much, that he can watch me suffer in life, watch my disappointments, watch my foolishness and not give into my fleshly desires. He holds on to what is best for me. He loves me so much not to spoil me with ever fleeting whim. And even if that requires that all my wants and wishes die, He is protecting me. And when all my drama ends, when all my selfish desires seem at a loss, He steps in with exactly what I need for this life or the life to come.

Late Night Stress Related Sob Fest

2009-10-30T23:00:00.003-05:00

I just need someone to tell me what to do. I need them to make the decision for me that I can't seem to make on my own. Every time I think I have made up my mind, I become doubtful yet again.

I just need to sit down and have a good cry, and I'm sure by the time I post this blog, I will have had it. I'm just stressed. Completely, utterly, worn slap out. I teach plus grad school plus extra-curricular activities with school plus training for the class I am currently teaching. Through school, sleep, and Jesus in there and there isn't a free minute. And the world keeps spinning, and people don't stop having their lives because my life is busy. And I feel left out.

Lately, I haven't been able to connect with anyone or anything. I feel so useless and worthless. I feel unlovable, as if no one will ever really be able to accept the real me. And whether these things are true or not...it's how I feel right now and it's all a bit overwhelming.

Tragedy

2009-10-13T16:29:00.002-05:00

I just received extremely sad new; a former student of mine was killed instantly in a car crash earlier today. She was on my yearbook staff a couple of years ago and was one of the students that I was closest too, even after graduation. She texted me and kept in touch via Facebook. I saw her with her boyfriend at a softball game last week. She let me borrow her pony tail holder. I meant to get it back to her soon.

This is the 3rd student/former student that has passed away since school started in August. It's hard for me as a teacher to see life end so tragically, so abruptly. They aren't suppose to die. They are teenagers. But here I am, creating memorials for these students to put in the upcoming yearbook. Here we are comforting students who have lost their brother, sister, and friends.

Blog's Behind but Life is Good!

2009-09-27T18:58:00.004-05:00

I am sorry for the long delay between blog posts. Who knew life would get so busy? But, alas, I have scheduled time to write to those faithful followers that are left!

So a quick run-down of what has been going on in my life lately:

Grad school has been kicking my butt...so I kicked back! Scored a 102 on my first Intro to Counseling class and a 100 on my first counseling video! It's requiring a lot of work, but I'm managing. I may only take 1 class next semester because Spring Semester is usually my busiest at school. We'll see how it works.
I may have conquered my problem of procrastination...least for now. With everything on my plate (2 grad classes, 1 online training, monthly face to face training, etc) I can't afford to get behind. I've been doing a great job of staying on top of the game, if I do say so myself.
I got a DOG! He's a 2 year old Yorkie who is house trained and use to apartment life. Between my brother and I, I am sure we can manage him. If not, I'll reluctantly give him back. But for now, he's great and a perfect fit!

I can honestly say that God has been giving me strength, opening door, and giving me favor in my employer's eyes. Things have been going well and several other things are in the works as far as school is concerned. If you would have asked me a month ago, I would have told you that I was in over my head with no light at the end of the tunnel. Now I feel like I'm strolling through a grassy meadow with the sun shinning brightly on me. I'm happy, fulfilled, and truly trusting in the leading of the Lord!

Isn't it Ironic?

2009-08-27T20:11:00.003-05:00

My favorite line from the Alanis Morissette '90's hit, "Ironic", is "It's like meeting the man of your dreams....then meeting his beautiful wife..."

So with that opening line, you know that there is a back story, right. Here it comes.

My mom just underwent some serious surgery this week, and praise be to God, she is doing well and will be coming back home tomorrow. As a result of the surgery, I was sending out mass text messages to just about every contact in my cell to keep everyone updated.

After the 3rd or 4th text, finally declaring that mom was awake and doing well, I got a text from Good, Ole Boy asking "Did you take off work today?" So I texted back and said "No, I had grad school this afternoon, and mom refused to let me miss my 2nd class." And that, my blogfriends, was the entire conversation. I was never asked how she was neither was I told he was glad she was ok. Simply a random question with no purpose or response.

That doesn't surprise me at all, and I'm not bothered by it. I've come to expect it from him. Just seemed like typical, dumb guy stuff. But that's not the end of the story.

Today, one of the new coaches at school stopped me in the hall and asked me how my classes were last night. He then said, "Well how's your mom doing?" I was a bit taking a back. Did I tell him about my mom? How did he know? Then I remembered that he was in the room when I was talking to another teacher and he heard the conversation. So this super sweet guy remembered a conversation that I wasn't technically even having with him, and then asked me about it the next day!

So why aren't the available guys the nice ones? Why is this unattainable guy the one interested in my life and my concerns? How come a guy I actually had some semi-sort of relationship with didn't seem to care, but this semi-stranger did?

A little too ironic....Yeah, I really do think!

Pity Party Cancelled!

2009-08-16T15:28:00.002-05:00

I was just about to pop the top on the "Whine" and commence into a nice pity party. I was done wrong, I deserve better, and life just isn't fair. Then an uninvited guest showed up and busted up the party....the truth!

Perhaps I wasn't so innocent after all. I will give myself that I wasn't alone in the wrongdoing. I was definitely done wrong! However, I was just as guilty. I jumped to conclusions, assumed the worst, and ran with my assumptions. Being wronged doesn't justify bad thoughts, ill-feelings, or rude words. The situation should have been handled completely differently and perhaps would have spared a lot of drama and hurt feelings. I suppose I was too caught up with expecting the worst that I made it up all on my own. And knowing my actions would be found guilty in court may not change the future, it does change the present me.

So today I sucked up my pride and self-righteous behavior. I put away the whine and party supplies and went straight to the apology. The person I apologized to assured me that an apology wasn't warranted, and apparently he/she didn't think he/she needed to give one up either. But the apology wasn't necessarily for that person, it was for me. And it wasn't given to elicit one from the other person either. I needed to get it out of my spirit. I needed to be able to put it all behind me. I needed to know that I handled things the best way I could, even if it was from hindsight. I had to be the Christian I claimed to be, and I needed the healing.

So for all of those looking for some "whine and cheese", I'm fresh out. Party cancelled!

1 Down....179 to Go!

2009-08-06T19:13:00.002-05:00

Well today was the first day of school. I know....WAY TOO EARLY! People here in the MS Delta haven't figured out that most people don't start until Labor Day. Oh well, we will survive.

Today was actually a great first day. I am teaching a new class for both me and the school, Information and Communication Technology 1 (ICT1). I'm really excited about teaching computers and typing and all the cool gadgets I get for my room. The only set back is that my equipment hasn't come in yet. So I'm teaching a Technology class without Technology! It should be in soon, and I have several things to do before we even need to begin with the computers.

Besides starting this new class, I'll be attending 2 grad classes on the 19th. I am going to begin work on my Master's in School Counseling. I'm a bit nervous about handling the workload of teaching and learning, but I think I'm going to be able to balance it all. Perhaps it's for the best I'm not managing a new relationship as well. Least that's one less thing to worry with. However, if the right one comes along, I'll just have to balance! :)

Mustering Up a Fight

2009-07-31T20:45:00.005-05:00

One day I'm going to log into blogger and write this great post on how everything is going my way and how I've found the love of my life. One day, things are going to work in my favor and there will be no drama or trauma. Unfortunately, today isn't that day.

One of my old students accidentally shot and killed his best friend, another former student of mine. They were going into the 10th grade. I can't even fathom what that poor boy and the family of the deceased child is going through. I can't imagine how terrified and sad and angry and confused they must be. And all I can muster is, thank God I'm not having to deal with that kind of sadness.

Good, ole boy is totally out of the picture. Why is not an issue I'm going to discuss here in the blogosphere, but it didn't work out. I know that I was extremely confused about how he made me feel, but part of that was fear to get too attached because I was afraid, just like every other guy, he would walk away. I'm not heartbroken over the situation. Obviously I never allowed myself to get too attached, and it didn't really last that long. I am frustrated because I'm tired of getting caught up with the wrong one. I'm tired of being disappointed and again fearing I'll be alone forever. And all I can muster is, thank God I found out before I fell in love, and thank God I'm not in a bad relationship and miserable.

My family got bad news at the doctor's office this week. It's not terminal, completely curable. We aren't 100% sure of treatment until the next doctor appointment, but there's a possibility that treatment could suck. It's scary and frustrating and confusing. And all I can muster up is, thank God we are all still alive.

Sometimes faith and hope are hard to come by. Sometimes it looks really ugly and deformed, but sometimes that's all we have to offer. Sometimes the only thing holding us up is threatening to fall down with us in tow. But in those times you gotta decide whether to fight or lay down and die. Dying isn't an option for me, so fighting is the only choice....no matter how weak I may be or how ugly it may look.

Hollywood....Here I Come!

2009-07-23T21:38:00.003-05:00

This independent film company is making a movie here in town. It's called The Dynamiter. They've been filming around town, using all local people. And today, they were filming at the school. Well I had to head up to the school today and teach the new teachers how to work the grading software, school email, etc. So I got to hang out with some of the film crew while I was waiting to teach my workshop.

It didn't take me long until I was chit-chatting with producers and the directors. Who cares if it's a small budget film that will just be shown at film festivals. This is fun stuff! (Although I wouldn't have minded a hot actor or 2. Too bad the lead guy is a 15 year old!) So towards the end of the day, one of the producers came into the office and asked if someone could read 2 lines over the intercom for one of the scenes. Well being the intercom whore that I am, I quickly agreed. So my voice will be in the movie!

After a little while, the producer and his assistant were discussing tomorrow's filming and what extras they would need. She turned to me and asked did I want to be in the movie. Well of course I quickly agreed! Me and a friend of mine are going to be the happy adopting parents of a foster child. So as of tomorrow I will be an official movie star!

By the way, the director remembered my name and told me I was, and I quote, "Just America's dream!" Feel free to ask for autographs....cuz I could totally get use to showbiz!

A Lie

2009-07-21T21:01:00.001-05:00

Lying to yourself is less painful than having someone else lie to you. And so we lie because it’s easier that way. And after a while you believe the lie, and you forget you were ever lying in the first place. And because you’ve lived it so long, and with such passion, everyone believes it is the truth. And possibly, the lie has become the truth.

Having no heart is less painful than having a broken heart. It’s much easier to not deal with it at all then risk the chance of things getting shattered and bruised. And so you build a wall or disengage it, or do whatever is necessary to make it not function. And again, people see this as the real you. The machine that is invincible, resilient. But you know the truth…and so you lie to yourself until you believe it is the truth.

And you live your life, never quite certain what is really the truth and what is really the lie. And because you can’t believe yourself, you don’t believe others either. You analyze their words and actions because, perhaps, they are just as untruthful as you are. Perhaps they too have blurred the lines between what is real and what isn’t so much that they too cannot be trusted.

But the toughest part is that no matter how much you lie to yourself, no matter how much you try not to care, tiny pieces of you slip out and pain comes. And you long for the day that you can quit the act. You anticipate a time when you can decipher the fake from the reality. You hope for the moment when you can face the pain and not hide from it. You dream of a person who will look at you, see what you are, and still find you beautiful and worth saving.

Or maybe that’s all a lie, or perhaps that’s just what you tell yourself…

A Scene from Final Destination?

2009-07-16T22:21:00.005-05:00

Dad, Mom, and I went on a very quick trip to Baton Rouge Wednesday and Thursday. We had a nice time shopping and eating! (I overruled and got to pick most of the places to go!) After a late lunch at Olive Garden, we set out on our way home. But we weren't aware of the adventurous trip home it would be!

Not too far out of town, I had the sudden urge to pee. (Not surprising, considering the Starbucks coffee and 2 raspberry lemonades I had to drink earlier.) Dad, being the annoying man he is, said that he wasn't going to stop, but alas, pulled in to a McDonald's. As I was running back out to the car, dad began to pull out of the parking spot, and I noticed a huge spot of fresh car gunk/liquid where the car had just been.

"Uh, I sure hope that's not coming out of our car!" I told Dad.

"Doesn't look like oil." Dad replied.

"Hmm, you think it's transmission fluid?" I questioned.

Dad got out, looked under the car, and sure enough, the car was leaking huge amounts of transmission fluids. Matter of fact, as soon as he put the car back in gear, it did that jerky thing cars do when the transmission is messed up. Here we are 4 hours from home and about to lose our transmission!!

I put in some coordinates in my iPhone. (And just let me add in here, that my iPhone was a HUGE help in guiding us through Baton Rouge to find a Starbucks, PF Changs, and other fine stores!) We were basically in the middle of nowhere, about 2 hours from the nearest "real" town. So we did all we could do...drove til we found something resembling an auto store.

Just a few miles down the road, dad pulls into a mom and pop type store, "Wilson's Food Mart." I was certain there would be no transmission fluid or stop leak inside that store. But the signs in the window did advertise "Live Bait" and "Mild and Spicy Boudin"! Dad comes out with in fact a quart of transmission fluid, but to his dismay, no funnel long enough to reach the right hole under the hood.

It was at this moment that a couple of Cajuns walked out of the store and asked Dad what the trouble was. Dad explained the transmission leak, and a boy looking no older than 14 years old looked at me in the passenger seat and said "Well, y'all haven't been letting her drive the car have you?" I raised and eyebrow and shrugged my shoulder at the guys. The smart man said "I'm outta here." The dumb boy who made the comment just winked. Oh puh-lease!

Obviously this was the place to be in this one-stop town, and every nosey, I mean, concerned citizen asked what was the problem. Finally, the dumb 14 year old boy, showed some smarts. He actually was a "mechanic" and sounded a bit knowledgeable about things. He rigged up a funnel using some tubing and an old bottle and was able to assist dad in pouring 3 quarts of transmission fluid back into the car. The car was completely drained! After about 45 minutes of pouring and measuring and cranking and re-cranking, they established they had done all they could do, and it was best for us to try and drive on. The thunder, looming clouds, and fear of being stuck in Cajun land was putting me into high gear. Dad went back in to the store to buy one more quart of fluid, in case we needed it down the road. I hollered out for him to pick me up some M&Ms.

Mr. 14 year old Mechanic hollered out, "Nuts or regular?"

"Regular." I yelled back. "There are enough nuts around here as it is." I mumbled back to my mom.

Dad offered to pay the young man for his help, but he refused. However him and a friend kept looking back at me as if maybe they had another idea in mind. I made mom swear she wouldn't let dad leave me behind for payment!

I must admit, although weird, the boy was extremely nice. He told dad to keep his rigged funnel in case we needed it later. So not a moment too soon, we headed back on the road. We made it to Natchez and pulled into an Advanced Auto store. There dad purchased some stop leak and set us back out on the road. From there out, we seemed to be doing great. We stopped again in Vicksburg, and even though there was still some leakage, the dipstick was still measuring fluid.

As we neared home, I noticed the sky lighting up in the distance. Soon, lightening was filling the sky. It was extremely gorgeous, especially since the storm was in the distance. We were discussing the events of the day and the apparent storms that were coming in, and all of a sudden, Dad pressed the brake and laid on the horn. Just feet from the highway was a rather large doe! Thankfully Dad saw it in time to deter it from darting out onto the road in front of us! Whew! We dodged a burned up transmission to almost have to replace the entire front end of the car due to a run in with a deer!

About 20 miles outside of town, the wind had kicked up, and it was evident we were on the verge of a large thunderstorm. The wind was whipping and leaves and such were flying all over the place. Then out of nowhere this huge circular object comes flying down the highway. It was seriously headed straight for us! With the wind spiraling it towards us, I thought it was a stop sign. All I could think was that it was going to go straight through the window and decapitate me! In seconds, dad again whipped the car to the side and the object brushed against the far right front side of the car. It turned out only to be a gigantic beach ball!

After the near death experience, the heavens opened up and the rain sloshed down on us! We were so ready to get out of that car and in the house! Thankfully God was on our side, otherwise we could have been stranded on the side of the road, totaled by a killer deer, decimated by a beach ball, or worst....left to marry a 14-year-old, Cajun mechanic!

There's NO place like HOME!

Baby Daddy Morons!

2009-07-10T09:59:00.003-05:00

I really don't like Levi Johnston! For those of you unfamiliar with his name, he's the Baby's Daddy to Sarah Palin's new grandchild.

Now let me fill you in on all of this. Sarah Palin was running for Vice President on the McCain ticket. In the middle of the race, news erupted that Sarah's teenage daughter, Bristol, was pregnant by her boyfriend, Levi Johnston. It was such an outrage for America although teen pregnancy is nothing new. Anyways, everything was patched up, and the two teenagers were to be wed. But alas, the wedding was called off.

Now, ole Levi is busting Sarah Palin out. Telling stories of things he heard discussed when he was living in the Palin household, etc. Basically, he says, Palin is selling out to the book deals and reality shows and giving up on Alaska.

Let me just say for the record, I am not a huge Palin fan. I personally think her resignation is fishy, and I'm not sure she's a great candidate for anything but "MILF's". However, stupid boys that cash in on their 15 minutes of fame, and then start laying out everyone else's trash really infuriates me.

Mr. Johnston....you would be nothing without Sarah Palin. No one would care that you were the sperm donor to some teenage girl in Alaska if her momma wasn't running for VP. How dare you put your stupid face on the cover of GQ and make movie deals while your ex girlfriend is at home with your baby. Please don't act like you give a care. Your actions show you don't. And you want to help raise this baby? When are you going to do that? Between movie takes and photo shoots? Looks like you sold out your own child and the family that helped you through what could have been the most traumatic time of your life for a few minutes of fame!

Frog or Prince?

2009-07-05T20:45:00.003-05:00

One day I opened up my inbox to an interesting email. A woman named Kaycee Jane (I love that name by the way) had written a book and asked if I would ready it and do a review on my blog. Well being the reader that I am, and seeing as the book's topic is definitely an interest of mine, I happily agreed. I am a bit sorry that it has taken me so long to actually do what I promised, but as all of you readers have already realized, I'm also better late than never with my work!

Frog or Prince? The Smart Girl's Guide to Boyfriends by Kaycee Jane!

This book presents a very systematic way of analyzing the current guy you are with to see if he's a Frog or a Prince. Simple as that! There are charts, check lists, and quizzes to help you discover whether the "issues" you are having with your significant other are things you can compromise on or whether they are deal breakers.

Obviously, many things discussed in this book are no brainers. Girls, we know that if a guy is verbally abusive then he's not a Prince. However, we seem to overlook or make excuses for things. But if you go through the steps that Mrs. Jane suggests, you can't help but come face to face with the brutal truth! She discusses "setting a bar" for guys and their actions, filtering through the good and the bad, and coming up with a logical conclusion for staying with him or ditching him.

And even though while reading the book I didn't really have a guy to analyze, it was still helpful to read the book. The information is definitely something I can use personally, as a teacher, and as a friend. I commend Kaycee Jane for her research and "mathematical" way of answering one of the female gender's hardest question!

Grad School Update!

2009-07-02T22:08:00.004-05:00

I still haven't received word about the Teacher Fellowship. The State of Mississippi has possibly gotten their act together and signed the budget just in the nick of time. So hopefully, I'll know something regarding money next week!

I went ahead and met with my advisor to discuss scheduling options in case the grant comes through. (Even if it doesn't, I'm gonna try and make it all work.) The School Counseling program is a 60 hour program, and if I take 2 classes a semester plus summer school I can finish everything in 3 calendar years. That works perfectly because the Teacher Fellowship only allows you 3 years. But there are some catches...

The classes I need for the first semester are only offered at 3:30 and 6:00 PM. The University is 45 minutes away from where I teach. That means, the school is going to have to give me the last period of the day free so that I can leave at 2:00 once a week to make it to my classes. However, I can take both classes in 1 day and won't have to travel as much!
The last year of the program is an internship at a school with a counselor. That means I have to quit my job for a year to do the internship. Some internships pay money, most don't. Which translates into no income for a year and a possibility of not having a job in this area when I'm finished.

I've got a lot to discuss with my principal and superintendent. It's really a great opportunity and a great program. When I'm done, I will be able to counsel in any setting, and if I take like 3 extra classes, I can be licensed with the State and even open my own practice if I wanted to.

I'm trusting God to direct the way. If this is what He wants me to do, then He will provide. I'm going to present it to my employers, wait to hear about the grant, and let the Lord do the rest. If it's what He wants, He'll also provide the money once I'm out of a job. And a lot could happen in 2 years that money wouldn't even be a problem. Perhaps I'll win the lottery or have a long, lost, rich uncle die or perhaps I'll meet the love of my life and get married!

The Saga Continues!

2009-06-29T21:42:00.003-05:00

I really have been trying hard! Honestly! I've actually been wanting it to work. But the skepticism inside of me just keeps rearing its ugly, little head.

I think he's been a bit shady lately. And I know that I can be totally taking this way overboard, but it's just not all adding up. Seeing as that my track record hasn't been the greatest when it comes to guys, I have to be extra careful.

I don't want to get to attached and then it all come crumbling down, like normal. And I know some precious person out there in the blogosphere is saying, "You shouldn't be so negative, etc." But, yes I should! When every guy I've ever liked has been shady or non-committal or just a plain jerk, well, being too cautious is probably my best bet!

So maybe, I won't have to find anything wrong with him. Perhaps I won't have to decide if I really like him. Maybe he'll decide he doesn't like me first....maybe he already has?

In Rememberance...

2009-06-28T19:07:00.002-05:00

One of my good friends passed away Wednesday night. He was 27 years old. He had a 3 year old son. I was making plans to go visit him and his wife next month in Texas. Now he's gone...just like that.

It makes me think about the importance of life, and how at any moment, those we love can be taken away from us without any warning. It makes you remember that life is more than work, school, and responsibilities. It's about making memories and spending time with those we love. Unfortunately, we don't always remember to do that until it's too late.

I'm gonna miss the fact he isn't there to offer encouragment or ask me about my latest hairstyle. But I know he's with the Father...and there is no better place to be!

The Growing Stopped!

2009-06-21T22:15:00.004-05:00

I don't like him today. Today I wanted to pick a fight. He gave me a couple of chances. I know he didn't mean to, he had no idea he was doing it, but I wanted to argue and tell him how dumb he was. I wanted to tell him that he doesn't know me at all so quit pretending that he does and quit assuming things about me. But it was all via text and he's out of town and well it's just not worth it. I'm wishing guys would drop off the face of the planet right about now!

Summer is almost gone....

2009-06-20T22:01:00.003-05:00

He's growing on me. That's all I can really say about any developments with Good, Ole Boy. He is a fabulously great guy with his only flaws as of now being his "countryness" and that he works a lot. But then again, I suppose the fact that he's work driven is not necessarily a bad thing. I have had a couple of very good conversations with him that greatly impacted my impression of him for the better. But let's not go around slinging titles around; there is no commitment yet!

In other news, I am going camping again next weekend. This will be our 2nd annual summer camping trip with my good buddies from church. We are all super pumped about our adventure. We had such a blast last time, creating memories that, thanks to our fearless Camping Guide, are written down in not only pen and paper, but typed via Myspace and Facebook! So even if we wanted to forget, we can't. And now millions of others are able to read it and laugh at us as well!!

Besides that, my summer is going by quickly, and I'm not too sad about it. The thing with being a teacher and having summer off, is that you all of a sudden have a lot of time on your hands! I've done some odd and end things to keep myself occupied but there is only so much time a girl can spend at the pool working on her tan before the humidity fries her brain!

The Best-laid Plans of Mice and Men....

2009-06-15T23:11:00.003-05:00

...often go awry!

Now, spiritually I would say to that...."Yes, our plans often go awry, but God's plan is always perfect." And I know in my heart that is completely, correct. However my flesh says, "sometimes my plan seems really good, and it would be great if God would go with it. Or at least give a girl a head's up!"

Here's the deal. MY plans were to apply for this teacher fellowship that would pay for my grad school tuition. I would take a class each semester and then load up in the summer. I would be done in 3 years and also be done with the sign-on commitment to teach in MS for 3 years. I would be free to do and go wherever with my educational counseling masters after that! Of course everyone assured me I would be a shoe-in! Well it seems that the deadline is here to announce the fellows for the upcoming school year, and I haven't heard jack. Now, this could possibly be that my nice state congressmen have yet to approve the budget for the new fiscal year and therefore funding hasn't been approved. Or it could be that I'm not getting the fellowship, and my rejection letter got lost in the mail. Either way, it's the middle of June, and I don't know anything!

So here lies my predicament. Do I go back to school or not? Is this God's way of saying, now isn't the time, I've got other things planned. Or is this simply a normal life road block that I have to work through?

I'm not sure about y'all, but for me, God likes to show up 11:59:59. I know that I'll get an answer, but it stresses me out nonetheless until He speaks. I would like to sit down with the department head and work out a 3 year schedule and make sure my expectations and goals match up with what university can offer. And now, while I have nothing going on, would be an excellent time. However, I don't want to waste their time or my time and get any of my hopes up if this isn't an option for me.

So yet again, I'm waiting...

How Jacked Up Am I?

2009-06-08T22:25:00.002-05:00

That's the question I've been asking myself the past 2 days. My conclusion...pretty jacked up!

So last week I met a guy at my cousin's wedding. I know his family, was introduced to him, and had a great time chatting it up and dancing the night away. We're talking about a good looking guy that's really got his act together. He owns his own business plus has another job, building his own house, never been married, no kids. A stand up guy here. He doesn't drink, goes to church every Sunday, and educated. He sounds like everything I've been looking for. Did I mention that he lives here so it wouldn't be a long distance thing? I could go on and on...opens the door for me, orders for me, gets me a drink just because I look thirsty, throws away my trash.

So my question is, why in the world am I looking for something to be wrong?? I am nit-picking everything to death. Most of the things that I am not a fan of are such small things like...he's got a farmer boy haircut (I can't explain that really just think super thick hair. It's a typical hair cut for guys here in the MS Delta.) He also dresses like a farmer. I'm just not a fan of the Carhart pants. I guess his worst trait is that he has a southern, republican mentality. He's just a good ole, Delta boy, and I have never really been into that.

This is my thought process. "Wow he's seems like a great guy. He's such a gentleman, very attentive to my needs, and has a good head on his shoulders. But what if I can't get past the 'countryness'? What if I end up dating this guy and 6 months/a year down the road I realize I just can't do it? Then I've wasted both of our time. What if I really hurt his feelings? If I liked him, wouldn't I just know? Or is 1 week too short of a time period to know anything?"

I think I'm just broken. I say I want commitment, but I think the thought of commitment scares me to death. All I ever wanted from Unconquerable boy and Mr. Amazing was a commitment, but if they would have been willing to give it, would I have really wanted it? Do I cling to guys like them because it's something I know I can't have and therefore I don't have to deal with the issue of commitment? I have thought about Mr. Amazing since meeting the Good, Ole Boy. I keep thinking...I knew I wanted to be with Mr. Amazing right off the bat. But after the first month, there was nothing to Mr. Amazing. I never talked to him on a regular basis. Everything was always on his terms. He didn't have any relationship with God, he drank and occasionally smoked...all the things I say I don't want in a guy but I still wanted him. (Ok, if God would have allowed it, I would still want him,) And now I meet a guy who has all the things I say I want and I'm just not sure? How messed up is that??

The thing is, I don't want to walk away from Good, Ole Boy just yet. On the other hand, I wish he would discover some horrible flaw in me that would make him want to walk away from me, that way I don't have to figure anything out. I am sick!

The Power of the Beach!

2009-06-04T21:34:00.002-05:00

I must say I just had the most relaxing 4 days of my life. Mom and I left Monday morning to spend a few days at a friend's beach house.

Tuesday morning, I woke up, shaved, brushed my teeth, put on my swimming suit, grabbed a towel, bottled water, sunscreen and a book and headed outside to the beach. I literally laid in the sun from 8 am - 4 pm. I read, I prayed, I mediated, I watched other people. I cleared my mind completely. It was a total brain detox.

I didn't worry about anyone or anything from home. I didn't have to deal with any leftover drama. I didn't worry about any guys texting or calling. It may have been the only time in my life I was completely mellowed out.

Counting mom and I, there were 6 ladies in the house. None of us had a schedule. We all laid around. We all agreed on places to eat, places to shop, and for the rest of the time we read, laughed, sang Motown hits, and danced in the kitchen.

This mini-vacation was just what I needed!

Week 2 Down! Starting Week 3!

2009-06-01T08:30:00.002-05:00

So the beginning of last week was pretty rough. I had a whole melt down concerning Mr. Amazing. Out of the blue, early one morning, when I should have been sleeping, I got this sick, nervous feeling about him. I began praying about the situation and just felt an overwhelming feeling to forget all about him and leave the whole situation alone.

Well of course that frustrated me because that wasn't what I wanted to do. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I wanted God's will to be my will, and in this case, that wasn't happening. But by the end of the week, I felt confident that I could do it. I've made no contact, and when he did finally text me, I was nice but short. As my friend said, "must be pretty difficult breaking up with someone you aren't dating?" And I think he's right. It would be a little weird for me to text and say out of the blue, "I don't want to be your friend with benefits anymore." But I'm thinking he's getting the idea by the fact that I haven't texted to check on him in almost 2 weeks.

Besides my crazy non-love life, things are great. School finished up on Friday and I'm headed to the beach for the week! Nothing can help me better unwind and forget my worries than laying in the sand with a good book! Feel free to be jealous :)

One Week Down...

2009-05-25T00:00:00.003-05:00

...the rest of my life to go!

I'm patting myself and God on the back for a job well done. I've made it a week on my diet, and I've endured some hard decisions but made it out alive thanks to the good Lord's guidance.

I had a very important conversation with "The Ex" that should keep things going well. He admitted that due to circumstances he isn't interested in a relationship, and I'm glad to hear that he's realized that. We both agreed that we wanted to stay connected and friends and that if in the future, if things changed, we would be upfront. Neither of us are looking to play around with each other's emotions; we are both to old for that.

I was so relieved to hear him say that. I was on my guard because I knew with so much history it would be easy to fall back into something just because of emotions. However, I knew that wasn't what I really wanted. If I am ever to be with him, I want it to be because of who we are as people now, not what we were 8 years ago. If I'm honest, I don't know that I want who he is now as anything but a friend. But I definitely want him as a friend.

Then there was a situation about my going out of town over the weekend. I told God that the decision was His to make and that I would go along with whatever, but He had to let me know what to do. Well everything seemed to be a go, until Thursday night. Things got a bit complicated. I felt really uneasy about my decision to go, and so when I couldn't sleep at 4 AM, I decided I should just say no. I told God, "This is what I'm going to say. If I don't get this specific response, then I know you want me to stay home." Well, needless to say, I didn't get the response, I stayed home, and I felt like I made the right decision.

It didn't make the decision any easier to make. I still wanted to go out of town. I still wanted what I couldn't have. However, I know that deep down, what God wants is best for me. It's just hard to look at something that seems so good and know that you can't have it, and no other option is waiting for you. But regardless, I had a great weekend that was much more healthier for me than what was out of town.

Now comes the hard test....making it through the last week of school without stressing because of students' failures or the looming Yearbook deadline!

Confession is Good for the Diet!

2009-05-19T19:04:00.003-05:00

I've never been on a diet. (Thank you mom, dad, and God for my high metabolism.) But I would assume that when on a diet, like an AA member, it would be good to confess the "slips" you almost have. It seems healthy to get it out there. So here's the real truth about the ex boyfriend.

The Ex, as he will now be affectionately referred to, was the only guy I ever loved. Despite enough drama to make us the lead characters in a CW hit teenage show, I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. When it all ended, I spent the next 8 years convincing myself I was better off and becoming a total independent woman.

Then one morning I woke up to a generic friend request email from Facebook. The Ex has added me as a friend! WHAT? I haven't spoken to him in 7 years? How did he find me? Why? We exchanged a few pleasantries and that was all. Even though at the onset I freaked, I was able to go back to life as normal. He didn't want anything but another friend on his list apparently.

I was a bit relieved. I needed to go back to silence because I didn't want to drag up all the old feelings that were ready to pop up. But then out of the blue, a week and a half ago, he makes contact, and it lasts. He's calling and texting everyday, and whoops...there went that lid on those feelings!

People had asked before, "What would you do if Ex comes back?" I always replied, "That's not gonna happen. God knows I couldn't handle it. I'm not sure I could resist no matter how long it's been." And that wasn't a comment I made once. I made it numerous, numerous times. And here I was, right where I knew God would never put me. What in the world was happening?

Now, the Ex isn't perfect. I haven't forgotten the heartbreak I endured, and he's made some choices in life that I don't completely agree with. So don't think I've just thrown caution and common sense out the window. I've tried to stay level headed. I've promised myself that I would make no contact unless he initiated first, and if he wanted to see me again in person, it would be him making the trip. But I'm being honest here, and I was really liking the fact that he did call, text, or chat via Facebook every day. I felt like he was trying to make a connection, even though things were only hinted at and never actually stated. Regardless, my brain was going a million directions at once, and I needed serious peace over the situation. There was way too much going in my life to be dealing with something that was only going to bring me more trouble.

So I got serious with God and myself. I decided it was time to give it all to God. It was time for my diet. And since that moment, I haven't heard a word from the Ex. And I must admit, I'm a bit miffed. Is God really putting a stop to it. Because, well I've prayed for guys to go away before and that never really happened. So is this it God? Is it really never gonna work with me and the Ex? If not, why did he even have to make contact in the first place? I know that what God has planned is best, but part of me was really hoping all the searching was over. I was rooting for the Ex.

But as I've come to learn (especially this season on American Idol) the guy I root for isn't always the winner. So I'm taking each day at a time and stifling the urge to take it all back in my hands!

A New Diet!

2009-05-18T18:53:00.005-05:00

So Sunday my favorite visiting preacher was in town. I think Pastor let him take a look at my blog before he preached, but I'm glad he did. He told me exactly what I needed to hear; it was a great reminder that God is in control.

He talked about when the disciples were on the boat in the middle of the storm. They freaked out and ran downstairs to wake Jesus up. Jesus got a little snippy with them after He calmed the storm and said, "Don't you guys have any faith? Why would you think this ship would sink if I was in it?"

Just a few stories later, Jesus is with His disciples, and they have a picnic, feeding 5000 people with a little boy's lunch. Had the disciples not gone through the storm, had their faith not been tested, they may not have had enough faith to enjoy the picnic.

I suppose it really hit home when the preacher said, "If Jesus is living in your heart, you can't drown. You'll never go under." Hmm...sounds exactly like my fear from my last blog.

So I'm giving up. I made a promise to God that I would quit freaking out about the present situations. I know that I can look back at situations that I thought were hopeless and see how God moved. So knowing that He's calmed the storm before should reassure me that I'm not about to go under now. Of course, that's always much easier said than done.

So as of Sunday morning, I've been practicing a bit of self-control and God-reliance. I didn't freak out today when my students weren't giving it all they had. I didn't freak out when I received stressed out texts from students' parents. In the past 2 days, I didn't text any guys out of boredom who would only fill my life with more drama . I told God that guys are completely His department now. If they are suppose to be in my life, they will contact me. I am not going to stress on whether I am doing enough on my own to make situations work. If they talk, I'll talk. But I'm not gonna keep dragging things along if it's not meant to be.

Favorite traveling preacher also said something else in his sermon that was very true. I don't want to need God. I don't mind him blessing me and doing good things for me, but I don't want to admit that I need God to come through and rescue me. But whether I want to admit it, it's true. I can't do anything by myself. No matter my futile attempts, it's never go to work without God being in control.

So I'm starting my first diet...and hoping to lose a lot of worry!

When it rains...

2009-05-16T19:32:00.003-05:00

....better build an Ark! It's been raining here literally and figuratively for the past, say, 3 weeks. Today was the first Saturday of sun since I can remember. Maybe this means that the downpour of all the thoughts in my head will have a little break too.

Why is that everything can be going fine, and then all of a sudden, it all falls on top of you? It's like everyone waits to drop their emotional trash all at the same time. It's like I don't know which way is up sometimes. The thing is no matter how much I analyze and run things over in my mind, I'm not going to be able to change anything. What is suppose to happen will happen, right?

I don't even know where to begin with it all. I don't want to process any of it. I want it all to go away, but I'm afraid if it all goes away, I'll be left with nothing. So perhaps it's all my fault for not just saying "I can't take the drama." But to tell everyone to leave me alone, well that just seems weak. I'm not dying. I'm not staring cancer in the face like many. I'm blessed. I'm healthy. I have a good family and a job. So I feel guilty for feeling this way. I feel guilty for complaining. But in my own little world, the rain has brought on a flash flood and I can barely keep my head above water!

Conversation with God

2009-05-12T15:29:00.005-05:00

"Why are you talking about me to other people?"
"How do you know it was about you?"
"If it wasn't about me, then why would that person have told me?"
"Ok, so if you think it is about you, then maybe I told them because you aren't talking to me."
"I'm not not talking to you. I'm talking to you. I'm just maybe not talking to you as in depth as usual. I've been busy."
"Busy or avoiding?"
"Maybe both."
"Why is that?"
"Cuz last time I talked to you, you didn't have anything to say back. So I decided I was just gonna go about my business until you decided to talk."
"Well I'm talking now, or at least you seem to think I'm talking now."
"I just wish you could tell me these things. Why do I always have to hear it from someone else? Makes me look dumb."
"Just makes it look like you aren't listening to me."
"Buh! Fine! You win. I wasn't listening or I was avoiding because I know what your answer is even though you don't say it out loud, and personally, I don't like your answer."
"Why is that?"
"Because it's the same lame answer every time....wait. Look, I know your time schedule and my time schedule is different. I know you are working with eons...but I'm working with hours and years, and in case you haven't noticed....my years are going by much quicker than before. Plus, if you haven't caught the news lately, we are in recession and people think things are wrapping up here on earth, which gives me even less time."
"Well if things are wrapping up, why would it matter anyway?"
"Don't play coy with me. It matters. I don't know why it matters; it just does. I'm human and I was born that way. You should know that of all people...well...You should just know!"
"So what do you want me to do about this?"
"I want you to change your answer! I want you to hurry up and do whatever it is that needs to be done. I'm tired of waiting."
"Are you SURE that's what you want?"
"Yes. No. Maybe. I don't know. What I want is to not be confused. What I want is for you to tell me what's gonna happen, so even if I have to wait I'll know what I'm waiting on."
"How will knowing make it any easier to wait? If you know what to go after, you may go after it too quickly and that would ruin everything."
"Ok. Well could you make it easier for me to wait by taking away things I shouldn't have while I'm waiting."
"Why can't YOU make them go away?"
"Well what if they aren't things I shouldn't have. What if they are good things and I make them go away for no reason."
"Then why would you need to get rid of them if they are good?"
"Well what if I don't know if they are good or not?"
"You can't tell the difference between good and bad?"
"Obviously not!"
"Just don't do anything you can't take back. I'll forgive you, but the consequences of your actions will already be set in motion."
"I wish you could just be straight up and tell me exactly who, what, and when."
"Where would the fun in that be for me?"
"Gee, Thanks!"
"When you live for an eternity, you have to find something to pass the time!"

Blog avoidance

2009-05-10T21:15:00.004-05:00

It's been an absolutely crazy couple of weeks, and I do apologize for not keeping you all updated. I'm sure you have just been at wit's end not being able to hear my rants and raves. I'm not sure how you have all managed without me! :)

So I've had several hour long conversations with my ex-boyfriend, the only guy I ever loved. Mr. Amazing has been very attentive via text, and even said he missed me the other day. Go figure. On top of that, I've had some extremely stressful situations at school. Not just discipline issues but real frustrating, no answer available situations. Then I had to decorate for Prom last week and chaperon, but that was actually kinda fun, just time consuming!

So my brain has been fried along with my emotions, and therefore I just didn't find time to blog. Plus I'm learning that too many people read my blog and so I have to be careful what I write. I don't want anyone to get their feelings hurt and I don't want one of my students to stumble across something about them either....that is probably illegal!

So maybe something will come along that I can feel free to blog about?

Can You Hear Me Now??

2009-04-21T21:04:00.005-05:00

I often pray things, and I know that God hears me. However I'm not always sure He's listening. I guess I just figure out of the 6 billion + people in the world, my requests aren't as important as starving people in Asia or displaced citizens of Darfur.

Thankfully, God is listening, and my requests are important to him, even if I forget that sometimes. What's also great is that He reminds me that He's working on things. For example....

I firmly believe there is reason why I come in contact with every person that I meet. I don't always know the reason, but each person is somehow significant in the development of my life. I often believe that there may not be any other reason for contact other than to share God with that person. So as with Mr. Amazing, I've been certain that God has a reason for him walking into my life and showing back up all the time. Therefore, I pray for him weekly, sometimes daily, that God would do a work in his life. I pray that God would reveal Himself to Mr. Amazing and that Mr. Amazing would know God like I know God. See, Mr. Amazing knows very little about God because he was never taken to church or told Bible stories growing up. He's not adverse to God, just doesn't know much about him or faith or anything spiritual. Also include the fact that I rarely see Mr. Amazing personally. Therefore I pray everyday that God will put someone in his life that will help him understand God and be able to point him in the right direction.

Now, although I pray this prayer, I've never really thought about who this person would be or exactly how it would all come about. But I found out and was pleasantly surprised. Mr. Amazing has a best friend, Mr. Good Guy, who I have met and hung out with on several occasions. Mr. Good Guy has a church upbringing and from what I gather, a very good family. He's mentioned going to church before with his family and I even saw a copy of "The Shack" in his truck, but nothing really struck me as a "faith sharing" guy.

Thanks to the wonders of facebook, I get to chat with Mr. Good Guy on occasion. This weekend was one of those times. Out of the blue, Mr. Good Guy tells me he is almost done reading "The Shack" and that he is giving it to Mr. Amazing to read. He said he had talked to Mr. Amazing about his faith and thought the book would really help him out. He added that Mr. Amazing was receptive but basically clueless about God, and Mr. Good Guy was going to stay on top of it.

This all came from no where. I had never mentioned church, God, or faith to Mr. Good Guy and I certainly had no thoughts of Mr. Good Guy talking to Mr. Amazing about such things. I stared at the computer screen and started to tear up. God was answering my prayer in the coolest way ever. He was using someone very close to Mr. Amazing, someone that probably had the most impact on his life. And the fact that "The Shack", one of the most amazing spiritual books ever, is involved in this whole story just blows me away! I too wanted to share that book with Mr. Amazing but because of our weird relationship I didn't want to put a damper on things. The last thing I needed was to be the girl who was trying to change him!

Anyways, the whole ordeal has put me in a great mood and given me a whole new, more Christ-like perspective on the situation! My faith has increased!

We know. We Just Forget We Know.

2009-04-19T16:05:00.004-05:00

My pastor bought me a cute, abridged version of "He's Just Not That Into You" while he and his wife were on vacation. It took me perhaps 20 minutes to go through it. I laughed, I cringed, and I sadly nodded my head in agreement on several occasions.

I read a few excepts out loud at lunch and my father said, "Why are you reading that? You already know all of it. You could write your own version." To which I had to reply, "I know that's what's sad. I know it, all women know it, and somebody made millions and even had it turned into a movie!"

What is it about us that we can know it for everyone else, but when it comes to ourselves, we can't see it?

But not to put all the blame on us, although girls should probably take most of the responsibility, why can't guys just say it? One excerpt read "A man would rather be trampled by elephants that are on fire than tell you he's just not that into you." Why can't they just come out and say it? Why do they string us along? And why, why, why do we let them?

The good thing for me, is that I never invest enough to doom my future. I know that I've hung on to some guys that were just not that into me, but thankfully I never cut myself off from the rest of the world or from my own goals and aspirations while I figured that out. Although I may have caused permanent wrinkles on my forehead from trying to figure out their latest scam. I'm in that state with Mr. Amazing, but again, I'm not putting anything in my life on hold for him either.

I do have hope though. And so do the authors of this book.

"The statistics are bleak. But don't use statistics to keep you down
or to keep you frightened. You can't do anything with these statistics
except scare yourself and your girlfriends. So I say 'F***
statistics.' It's your life -- how dare you not have faith in it!
The only story that has ever helped me live my life successfully is the story of
faith; I believe that life will turn out well. More fervently, I believe
that you have no other choice than to believe that."

What other choice do we have than to trust it will all work out!

Sheet Rock Easter

2009-04-12T21:16:00.003-05:00

It seems like a lifetime ago when church drama was ruling my life, and yet it seems like only yesterday we gave birth to Grace Fellowship. Regardless what it feels like, in less than 2 years we have moved into our new church building and had Easter Service right there in between the sheet rocked walls!

Things have definitely not been easy. There has been heartaches, tears, frustration, and doubts. But they seem so minor compared to the joys, happiness, love, and deep down change that has occurred in my church families' lives.

For those of you who don't know, we were able to purchase an old furniture store that was going out of business. (A huge 100' x 100' metal building, or something like that!) In about a month, we ripped up carpet, tore down walls, put up rafters, and sheet rocked the inside of our sanctuary. This morning we had over 100 people gathered to celebrate the resurrection of Christ and the birth of our salvation. Despite the fact that I've caught some deadly spider sinus infection from clearing the rafters of spiderwebs and dust, things went extremely well!

We are no where near complete. I'm sure it will be years before we are able to kick our remodeling heels up. It's been an adventure, and I'm ready to forge ahead for the rest of what God has planned.

The Silent Treatment

2009-04-10T20:57:00.004-05:00

Well I'm no closer in making a decision about whether to invest or not. I'm stuck between 2 ideas.

1. I should give it up and guard my heart. There is no sense in pouring out emotions, time, and energy on something that is obviously not working out or giving me what I need.

2. I need to learn to trust God and others with my heart, and God is using this whole situation as a test of my faith in Him.

See I have this huge tendency to expect the worst. My idea is that if I expect the worst, I won't be disappointed when it doesn't work out. Not exactly the best faith exercise. I've done that since day one with Mr. Amazing. I've anticipatied him screwing up, breaking my heart, or blowing me off. Every time I feel myself getting a bit too close, I freak out and back off. I've deleted his number from my cell 2 different times but eventually added him back.

I honestly thought I could handle it. I thought I could do this whole occasional "friend" thing, and I even fooled myself into believing it for a little while. But that's not me and that's not what I'm looking for. I want a relationship with someone who wants a real relationship with me. Not someone who wants me when they aren't busy with school. However, it's possible that right now is not the right time for me no matter the guy. If things go as planed, I'll be teaching and working on my masters in the fall. When will I have a time for a boyfriend? So maybe in a few months, this "occasional friend" thing will be the perfect situation.

I've begged God on numerous occasions to make Mr. Amazing go away, but he always pops back up. Now is that a God thing or a life thing? That I don't know. The fact that God is silent on the matter kind of aggravates me. I've done a bit of screaming, pleading, and crying with God that I would get a definite answer about something. Still nothing. So I'm guessing He's just saying "wait it out" and obviously, there isn't much more I can do. Mr. Amazing ain't budging and neither is God and no one else has walked into my life. So if no one else is gonna make a sound, neither am I.

You Might Be a School Employee If...

2009-04-06T17:23:00.001-05:00

YOU might be a school employee if you believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.
YOU might be a school employee if you want to slap the next person who says, 'Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off.
YOU might be a school employee if it is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.
YOU might be a school employee if you can tell it's a full moon or if it going to rain, snow hail....anything!!! Without ever looking outside.
YOU might be a school employee if you believe, 'shallow gene pool' should have its own box on a report card.
YOU might be a school employee if you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, 'Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.'
YOU might be a school employee if when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
YOU might be a school employee if you have no social life between August and June.
YOU might be a school employee if you think people should have a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
YOU might be a school employee if you wonder how some parents MANAGED to reproduce.
YOU might be a school employee if you laugh uncontrollably when people refer to the staff room as the 'lounge.'
YOU might be a school employee if you encourage an obnoxious parent to check into charter schools or home schooling and are willing to donate the U-HAUL boxes should they decided to move out of district.
YOU might be a school employee if you think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
YOU might be a school employee if you can't imagine how the ACLU could think that covering your students chair with Velcro and then requiring uniforms made out of the corresponding Velcro could ever be misunderstood by the public.
YOU might be a school employee if meeting a child's parent instantly answers this question, 'Why is this kid like this?'
YOU might be a school employee if you would choose a mammogram over a parent conference.
YOU might be a school employee if you think someone should invent antibacterial pencils and crayons...and desks and chairs for that matter!
YOU might be a school employee if the words 'I have college debt for this?' has ever come out of your mouth.
YOU might be a school employee if you know how many days, minutes, and seconds are left in the school year!

Balancing Act

2009-03-29T20:03:00.004-05:00

How do you find balance in relationships? How do you know when to invest your time and emotions and when you need to step back and guard your heart? I realize that nothing is certain and there are always risks, but when do you know it's ok to let go and take a risk? Obviously I can't go through life unwilling to invest in others, unwilling to give too much, at the risk of being hurt. However, I can't go around throwing my emotions, time, and energy to any and everyone.

I suppose I'm waiting for an official "wanna go steady with me?" question, but that's a question that may never come. (And yeah I know no one says that anymore, but it sure would make things easier.) What I have to realize is this is what I got...nothing more, but fortunately, nothing less. Is it ok for me to start investing in this regardless of an official commitment?

It's not like I'm missing out on something great by waiting around. There is nothing else. I can't say that I would deal with the wishy-washiness of it all if there was someone else. But I'm not exactly dealing with it out of a lack of anyone better either. I could have commitment from all the wrong guys. And Perhaps I'm having non-commitment from a wrong guy too. But this possibly wrong guy just feels so right.

I know what I really want is certainty, and I can't ever have that. Even if he did "put a ring on it", there is still no guarantee it wouldn't end. And I guess technically I'm the one doing this to myself because I keep putting myself out there, but I'm just afraid I may miss out on something great if I don't. But everytime I leave, I worry I'm taking too big of a risk.

Over Already?

2009-03-22T21:21:00.005-05:00

Wow! My Spring Break went by super fast. I had a great time in DC, but it was extremely tiring! We walked for miles seeing the city, but by the end of each day our legs were killing us. A bunch of wusses, I know.

It was amazing to stand in the exact spot that Martin Luther King stood when he gave his "I have a dream speech." It was inspiring to walk through the Capitol's Rotunda where Presidents and Congressmen have walked. It's not just someone else's history...it's my history.

I got home about midnight Friday Night/Saturday Morning. I did laundry all day Saturday and was working on our New Church today. (It is official, the new church is ours. The guys started sheet-rocking the walls of the Sanctuary today! Soon there will be no more rented buildings! YEAH!) So I can't say that I've really rested up and am ready for school tomorrow.

This week is another busy week for me. I'm going to the Chris Tomlin concert on Thursday in Little Rock, AR and am going to spend the rest of the weekend with friends. I'm looking forward to that!

The Polls Are Open....

2009-03-13T21:17:00.003-05:00

I suppose if I'm going to actually try and garnish feedback about my blog, I should update it like I said I was going to. Better late than never, I suppose.

Here is my second choice in layout. The Coffee Notebook. As you can tell, I really like this whole "notebook/desk" theme. I suppose it's because when I blog, I envision this as a journal.

So what do I like/dislike about this layout?

I like coffee!
I really like the organization.
It's more girly, and has a cool pen where you can search things from my blog!
I'm not crazy about the Font of the Blog Title "Originally Unoriginal". I'm sure you can change that in the html code, but I'm not that smart.

So what's your take? Yeah or Nay?

**************************
In other news, I'm leaving at 5 AM to head to DC. I'm really excited, except the weather isn't going to be that great. Rainy, cloudy, and cold. However, they are predicting a sunny Wednesday with a high of 71! That will definitely be our outside sightseeing day. Most of our other days are going to be spent in Museums!

I promise to keep you updated as I will have my laptop and probably won't be doing too much during the night hours. I'll say hello to Obama for all of you!!

Yeah, Yeah, Yeah

2009-03-08T21:04:00.003-05:00

So my week has been pretty hectic and the weekend was even crazier. So I haven't had time to do the whole "Blog Vote", but whatever. I'll get to it eventually.

This week is going to be pretty crazy as well. It's 9 weeks test week for my students and next week is SPRING BREAK! So trying to keep them focused is going to be hard. I'm also preparing for a road trip to DC!! I've never been, so me, mom, and a friend of hers are hopping in the car without a schedule. All we know is we are leaving Saturday and coming back the following Saturday.

In other news, I did happen to see Mr. Amazing this weekend. We went out Friday night and actually had a great time. He was nice, gentlemanly, and attentive as normal. That's it...nothing more, nothing less.

Anyways, I haven't caught up on sleep from the weekend or from the loss of an hour...darn that daylight savings time thingy! I'll try and do better at having something insightful to say!

Blog Vote!

2009-03-01T16:52:00.003-06:00

Your vote counts!

I've decided to change the background of my blog again. I was never fond of the previous template, but I did like the organization of it. I've found several that I like. So in the next few weeks, I'm going to be switching up the template. So everyone check in and decide which background you like best!

My takes on this template:

I love the desk idea, especially the iphone!
I'm not too sure about the picture of the unicorn.
It's not girly enough...a bit masculine.
I do like the organization and the little bubble to show how many comments for each post.

Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

2009-02-26T21:54:00.003-06:00

Yes, there are more. Two Ex-boyfriends contacted me this week. That makes 4 guys I've dated or had some type of complicated relationship with who have contacted me in less than 2 weeks. I'm writing the screenplay as we we speak!

One guy was my first real boyfriend. It wasn't surprising that he messaged me because we talk every once in awhile. But the other ex, well, I haven't seen him or talked to him in over 7 years. He's the only guy I ever loved. I've made references to him in this blog before, but they were subtle, and you may not remember. He was the guy I dated my senior year in high school, the one that I thought I was going to run off and marry and live happily ever after with.

But things don't always happen like we plan. For whatever reasons, things happened directly opposite to what I had envisioned. I'm ok with it all now, and I know that God has a reason for it all. But I must admit that curiosity has latched hold of me, and I simply want to know "what does he want from me?" Why did he look me up again? Does he want forgiveness, sympathy, love, friendship, or was it simply just plain curiosity for him as well?

What I am forcing myself to remember is that the memories I have in my mind are just memories. We are both different people now, in completely different circumstances. Whatever happens from this moment is new. But I think how I feel can best be summed up in this song...

Brandon Heath's "I'm Not Who I Was"
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

They're Back Just in Time for the Holiday!

2009-02-20T20:47:00.005-06:00

We'll just chalk these 2 incidents up to more of Kimberly's Strange Guy Stories.

Story #1 --

Mr. Amazing texted me on Valentine's Day to naturally wish me Happy Valentine's Day. Then a couple of hours later he texted and said "just wanted to let you know you are amazing." I asked what made him think of that, and he replied that he was just thinking about me that day. We exchanged some pleasantries, "how is your day" etc. But in ending the conversation he said "I just felt like you deserved to know how great you really are."

If I didn't have the need to stay clear of his charm, I would have been floating on cloud 9. However, I grabbed the nearest chair and grounded myself firmly. How convenient that while he's at home alone on Valentine's Day he thinks of me. He should have tried a day later, and I may have been impressed. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he does honestly think I'm great and amazing. But thinking those things and putting some action behind those thoughts are two completely different ideas.

I really wanted to bust him out, but I figured it wasn't worth it. I wanted to ask him if I was so amazing then why hadn't he followed up on HIS plan for us get together again soon. But there is no sense in being mean. His well meant words are just that...words. I took his compliments for what they were and decided it was nice to at least be thought of in a positive manner.

Story #2 --

I know none of you have forgotten Unconquerable Boy! How could we forget the drama of being his friend, liking him, blogging about it, him reading the blog about it, him leading me on, him meeting a girl the next weekend, and him marrying her 8 months later?!! Honestly, I had forgiven and moved on. Apparently he hadn't. That is why Wednesday afternoon, over a year later, he texted me to apologize.

I checked my phone and noticed I had received a message from a random number. I recognized the area code but didn't know who it was until I read the message. "I know it's too late, but I want to apologize for everything I did that hurt you." You can imagine how flabbergasted I was to read that message. It took me a couple of hours before I could even reply back. I was shocked. Over a year later, and you even remember me?!

I told him that even though I had never said anything, I forgave him a long time ago. I did let him know that I appreciated his apology, and it meant a lot for him to acknowledge things. He told me that he was sorry for many things, but mostly that he hurt his best friend. I asked him what brought about the apology, and he told me that he often thought about me and what he had done to hurt me. He was preparing a lesson about making decisions that haunt you later in life for his youth group that afternoon. He knew that he could not get up and teach that lesson without asking for my forgiveness. I told him that it showed a lot of maturity and growth and that I was proud of him. He said that he hates that he screwed up something so good and that it cost him so much to learn his lesson. I honestly didn't know that he had considered me his best friend and such a great loss.

I believe his apology is sincere. He's married now. It's been a year. He didn't have to ever acknowledge anything. I had moved on with my life completely. Also, there is no way he did it to look good because I don't talk to anyone in his town that much anymore, so no one would know he apologized. No pat on his back, no great reward for him. Just the relief of guilt and the peace of forgiveness.

I didn't really need him to say anything, but I'm glad he made things right for him, and of course, my human flesh feels a bit vindicated. He was hurt more than I realized. And for once, I could offer forgiveness to someone who was actually bothering to ask for it. However, I think it was mostly a reminder from God that I still have some forgiveness I need to bestow on those who aren't able to ask for it.

Time to Relax

2009-02-16T19:23:00.002-06:00

I am enjoying the night I deserve. Finally, after weeks of being busy, I've had a free week night. I've had basketball games, night class, church, and other social obligations for weeks straight. Tonight I was able to come home at a decent hour and stay at home!

I sat outside for about an hour on my balcony reading a book. Once I got too cold, I came inside and continued reading while soaking in a warm bubble bath. Then my brother cooked a really good dinner. BBQ chicken, corn, green beans, and potatoes. Now I'm watching The Secret Life of an American Teenager and am going to do some more reading after that.

I'm enjoying my night off. I'm forgetting about stupid boys and dumb drama and problems I can't fix. Tonight I'm just relaxing!

My Feelings on the Infamous V-Day!

2009-02-12T17:10:00.001-06:00

Here's a quote from Grey's Anatomy. Lexie wants to tell Callie all about her new relationship.

Lexie (talking about Mark): He's fun and he's funny. Even with no sex we just laugh and we talk.
Callie: Yeah. I don't want to hear this.
Lexie: Come on! But you have to. You're the only one who knows about us and I'm terrible at keeping secrets. Keeping secrets makes me sick.
Callie: Look. Alone people don't like to hear about the together people. Okay. Even if the alone people are alone by choice. It's just sort of mean. It's sort of like bringing a 6-pack to an AA meeting

Avoiding

2009-02-08T19:19:00.003-06:00

You should know by now that if I've avoided the blogosphere for too long, it means 1 or 2 things:

My life is so busy that I don't have time to write.
I am dealing with so many thoughts that I refuse to sit down and write because I don't want to deal with them.

This time, its a mixture of the two.

I'm taking a night class this semester to prepare for a 3 part test. I have to take this test to be certified to teach a computer class next semester. The kicker is, our district won't know if we'll even be able to offer the class until April, but I have to take all this training just in case it all works out. Of course, when you ask for details, no one seems to know anything. I've gotten so many different answers that it's left me a bit stressed. I like to know what is expected of me, and everything is so up in the air that it's driving me crazy.

I've also applied to Graduate School. I planned on starting this summer, but the fellowship I'm applying for won't start paying until Fall semester. So I'm trying to get all my ducks in a row for the fellowship. I was all gung-ho about going back to school, but starting this night class reminded me of how hard it's going to be to teach full time and then go to school. I know that I'll eventually get back in the routine, but I'm going to have to learn how to say "no" to somethings.

I'm dealing with fears of the unknown. I'm dreading things that are days, months, years down the road. I'm being bombarded with the harsh reality of other's lives, and it's all been just a bit too much to bear. I've become over sensitive lately, not necessarily to my own needs, but to the heartaches of others. I know that it's probably a good thing that I'm concerned for others, but it's also emotionally draining.

I want to fix them, and I can't. I know the only thing I can do is be their friend, but it's requiring me to step out of my bubble and do for them. I'm having to be a friend to people that I've never been a friend to before. And don't get me wrong, I WANT to be their friend, but it just takes extra time, time that once was spent on other things.

There is so much more that I want to say, but can't. But I'll be ok; it's just another bumb in the road.

The Handbag Meme

2009-01-30T17:56:00.015-06:00

As promised...here is the handbag meme that Chantell tagged me to do!

First, these are the latest purses that I received. I got both of these for Christmas. The silver one I got from my parents. I've used it once, but I really like it. The problem is it's not quite as big as I like for everyday use. The maroon MSU bag was given to me by some friends. I'll use it when I'm at the game!

Secondly, the purses I'm currently using. I use both the black and the brown purse daily, just depending on what color I'm wearing. The black purse was purchased last November in LA at one of my favorite stores Forever 21. It's really big put I LOVE it. The brown purse I got for $20 or so at a little store in Jackson, MS called The Silver Gallery.

Next is one of my favorite purses. I used it almost all summer because it's big, white, durable, but really cute. I bought this last Spring Break in Little Rock, AR at Forever 21. I probably paid about $30 for it, but it's been worth it.

Last is one of my cutest purses but I have yet to use it. I haven't had the right opportunity for a small clutch type purse (the strap is removable), but after taking a picture of it, I think I'm going to have to make an opportunity soon. I was given this purse as a part of my "Thank-You" for being a bride's maid in my friend's wedding this past September.

Too Busy to Blog!

2009-01-29T20:46:00.002-06:00

This week has been busy, and it looks like I'm about to get much busier. I started a night class this morning, but I'll give you all the details this weekend. I promise. And a purse meme, compliments of Chantell's tag....all coming soon!

Dream Guy?

2009-01-24T23:10:00.004-06:00

I was at a concert tonight, Bucky Covington. But that's not the story. I saw a guy walk in with several of his friends, and he was...Edward Cullen like. (For those not in the know, that's the guy from Twilight.)

I know, I'm sick, but it's true. He was very good looking, but it was more than that. He seemed to give off some type of energy. I tried not to stare, but I don't think I was so good at following through. He was dressed nicely in a grey turtleneck, jeans, and a black leather jacket. He just seemed so perfect.

He nor his friends stayed very long. I saw them as they all walked out, my Edward strolling confidently and beautifully down the aisle. Maybe they didn't like the music or maybe they had to go hunt? I looked for him after the show was over, but I didn't see him.

If he shows up in my dreams, then maybe I'll be on to something? I did dream about hanging out with Tim Tebow a couple of nights ago though! :)

The Twilight Saga

2009-01-19T21:41:00.003-06:00

**Disclaimer** I'll probably be giving away a little bit of the plot to the books, so if you are still reading the Series...proceed with caution!

So I finally decided to read the Twilight books and figure out what was so great that it had all of my students (7th graders to seniors) actually sticking their heads in a book! It didn't take too long to realize that the story is plain mesmerizing. I started the saga last Sunday and finished it today. I even read the 3rd book in one night. I started at 6:30 and couldn't stop reading until I finished it at 2:30 that morning.

A guy friend and aspiring author said that he wanted to read the series and try to figure out what it was that women wanted in a good novel, since Twilight seemed to be the only thing teenage girls could talk about lately. My first response was, "A girl wants out of a novel what she wants in reality but knows she isn't going to get...perfection!" After finishing the last book, Breaking Dawn, I realize that perfection isn't exactly what these books are about. There is something else that speaks to girls of all ages. Here's my take...

Bella is every girl, and Edward is the guy that every girl wants. (Ok, at least a large majority of every girl). Bella, the main character, is the typical awkward teenage girl. She isn't really sure where she fits in, she feels overwhelmed with the responsibilities of life, and she feels the need to protect those she loves although it puts here in jeopardy Even the prettiest, most graceful girl in the world has her days when she feels ugly, clumsy, and left out. But Bella gets what us girls only dream of. She hits the lottery when the most perfect, beautiful guy in the whole state of Washington, Edward, begins to notice her.

Bella can't comprehend how this wonderful guy can find her remotely interesting, but he does. And he doesn't just find her interesting, he finds her remarkable, so remarkable that he falls in love with her. But what makes Edward the perfect guy? First, he's good looking. (Face it, looks may not be everything, but they are something!) He's a gentleman: opening doors, meeting her father, saving her from danger. But even in all of his romance, he is still mysterious, with a hint of bad boy in him. He's a vampire, which as scary as that should be, is only more intoxicating. He's forbidden, and most of us want what we can't have!

Edward stops at nothing to protect Bella; he even leaves Bella because he thinks his presence in her life only brings her danger. Again we relate to Bella as she loses her first love. She lives the next few months in a haze doing only the bare minimum to survive. Don't we all remember losing our first love? I recall the lonely days thinking I would never be able to function normally again, trying to reach out to someone, anyone that can help pull me from the quicksand that was taking me under. Bella reaches out to her friend, Jacob, needing something to distract her from herself. But despite her connection with Jacob, she can't give up her love for Edward.

I cried when Edward finally returned. I pictured myself as Bella. How I would have felt if several months later the love of my life would have come back to me. Edward wasn't trying to be fickle and mess with Bella's mind; he honestly couldn't live without her. He promised that he would spend the rest of his existence (which could be a while considering he's immortal) proving his love for her.

Another interesting point of the book, is that it's not saturated with sex. In fact, Edward refuses to have sex with Bella until they are married. Of course, they are both tempted by the fact, but Edward doesn't only want to protect Bella physically (he's a vampire and could kill her without meaning to) but he also wants to protect her soul. He doesn't want to defile her. It's so nice to see a guy care so much about a girl, that he wouldn't want to even harm her spiritually. Since there is no sex, Bella and Edward connect intimately through conversation and emotions. He watches her sleep and listens to her talk in her sleep. He reads her facial expressions and translates her body language. Edward discovers who Bella is and what she wants. They share true intimacy, which is more alluring than any sexual relationship.

Ultimately, the book does end in a happily ever after, although it doesn't come easy to Bella. Her life is thrown into complete turmoil, but in the end, it all works out. It wasn't perfect and some things were sacrificed, but it was all worth it. And that's the hope that every girl, and I'm sure every guy, clings to. We pray that after all our drama is done, everything will work out. It may not be perfect, and we may lose some things in the process, but eventually, we hope that we end up with the guy or girl, the family, and the friends.

Yeah, the story is fiction. There aren't real vampires or werewolves, and if they were, they probably wouldn't be the vegetarian kind. However, you can't escape the reality of this novel. Every girl wants to be loved and protected. Every girl wants to feel wanted and appreciated. And we aren't afraid to sacrifice and fight as long as the guy is willing to fight and sacrifice as well. Then when the trials are all done, or at least momentarily paused, we can sit back and enjoy our happily ever after with the one we love.

Benny and the Jets -- Elton John

2009-01-17T20:32:00.004-06:00

1. Put your iTunes on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
All This Love -- Boys II Men

WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
Who Knew -- Pink

WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY/GIRL?
Only Grace -- Matthew West

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
There's No Place That Far -- Sarah Evans

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
Again I Say Rejoice -- Israel & New Breed

WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Indescribable -- Chris Tomlin

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Dreaming With a Broken Heart -- John Mayer

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Pop Bottles -- Baby Featuring Lil' Wayne

WHAT IS 2+2?
Do the Rock Man -- Montana Da Mac

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Love Song -- Sara Bareilles

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Battle -- Colbie Caillat (Ain't that the truth!)

WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Stay Beautiful -- Taylor Swift

WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Running -- Christ for the Nations

WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
From the Inside Out -- Hillsong

WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
In Better Hands -- Natalie Grant

WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Purple Rain -- Prince

WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
East to West -- Casting Crowns

WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Sleigh Ride -- Relient K

WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Won't Go Home Without you -- Maroon 5

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
Everything -- Lifehouse

WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Buy You a Drink -- T-Pain

HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Bartender Song (aka Sittin' at a Bar) -- Rehab (Guess I better stay away from the alcohol!)

WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Party Like a Rockstar -- Lil Wayne & Chamillionaire

WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
I'm Not Who I Was -- Brandon Heath

WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Fearless -- Taylor Swift

WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Easy Target -- Blink 182

DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
The Fallen Interlude -- Blink 182

IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Better in Time -- Leona Lewis

WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Wake Up Call -- Maroon 5

WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Benny and the Jets -- Elton John

News Brief

2009-01-15T17:34:00.000-06:00

I have been preoccupied all week with reading the Twilight series. I realize that I'm a tad behind times, but I finally gave in to the peer-pressure of Junior High and High School students. I promise a more detailed post over the weekend. But I just finished book 2 and will not have book 3 in my hand until tomorrow, so I need to take advantage of the time I have to clean my apartment and do all the things I've been neglecting since I started this series!

Checking Things Off the List

2009-01-10T23:44:00.003-06:00

My first week back to school turned out to be a great week. The students behaved for the most part, and I got several things knocked off of my "to-do" list.

I went to the dentist and got my teeth cleaned. I love having my teeth cleaned, especially now since they are pretty and straight! I also went to the doctor and had my blood checked again. I am extremely anemic. I was put on iron pills about a year ago, but when I went back for a check up, my iron levels were still low. The doctor doubled my dosage of iron, and this time my levels were up. I'm glad about that because taking iron pills is so much better than a shot! I still need to visit the eye doctor and the dermatologist, but they'll have to wait until I pay for the blood work up.

This week I have to begin applying for Grad School. I need to call and get my transcripts and fill out the application, etc. The process shouldn't be too hard, but I have to get a start on it in order to make the deadline for the Teacher's Fellowship. (That will pay for my tuition.)

I love the feeling that I have when I accomplish things. Makes me wonder why I procrastinate so much...

Who Let the Air out of My Balloon??

2009-01-04T19:21:00.003-06:00

Mr. Amazing bought me a balloon (among other things) when he was here for my birthday this past August. It was this huge balloon in the shape of a cupcake that said "Happy B-day" on it. Surprisingly, the balloon has been sitting in the corner of my room since August still perfectly afloat. It had a lost a little of it's air, but it was still perfectly upright. I even made a comment about it to him via text yesterday saying that it was still up and had seemed to stick around longer than he did. (For those of you wondering, he replied back "whatever." and I told him I was just kidding, although there was a lot of truth to the statement.)

When I left today for church, I assume it was still afloat. Being that it's been here so long, I've actually never paid it too much attention. However, this afternoon when I came home from church, the balloon was half way to the floor. It immediately caught my eye. I walked over to it and pleaded with it. "Please don't die. Float back up!" I tried to force it back into the air but it fell right back to it's new lowly state.

Had I had the proper time, I think I would have sat down and cried. I almost did shed a tear, but I quickly dismissed the thought because I had things to do. But now, that I'm sitting here trying to prepare myself for an early bed time, I'm getting a bit nostalgic.

I know that the balloon really has nothing to do with the length or brevity of mine and Mr. Amazing's relationship or whatever it was. But it seems a bit symbolic...like the balloon was my sign to keep hanging on and maybe ole boy would come back around. But now that the balloon has given up, I might as well too.

I did see Mr. Amazing while I was in Hot Springs. He was extremely nice and apologized several times for not keeping in touch. But an apology is just an apology. I'm sure he really is sorry. But the key is he didn't and can't promise that it won't happen again. He made no agreement that he would work on his lack of communication. And I'm glad he didn't because I know it's a promise he can't keep. He's just not at a place in his life where he can give me what I need. It's not his fault, and it doesn't make him a bad person. It just means it's the wrong time, and that's no one's fault. It's just life.

So I'm gonna let the rest of the air leak out of the balloon, and I'm going to move on. No more talk of Mr. Amazing unless he decides to give the balloon CPR.

What's in a Year??

2009-01-03T11:50:00.004-06:00

I had an uneventful New Year's Eve. It wasn't at all what I had anticipated, but by the time 12 AM arrived, I was just glad to be spending it with anyone at all.

I ended up hanging out with my parents and going to one of their friend's house to ring in the new year. We were all sitting around playing Deal or No Deal and I looked down at my phone. 15 minutes until the new year. 10 minutes to the new year. 7 minutes to the new year. I looked to an old friend next to me and said...

"Why am I counting down? Like in 7 minutes my life is going to radically change for the better?"

She laughed and agreed..."Not like your knight in shining armor is going to arrive right at that moment, huh?"

"Nope...he'd probably be riding a mule and wearing tin foil anyway!"

We were just joking around but they reality is true. A new year isn't going to miraculously change anything. No matter whether 2008 was the best year ever or the worst year ever, 2009 isn't going to be any different unless I and my circumstances change. 2009 can simply be a continuation of everything 2008 was. We aren't promised the new year will be any different.

I realize the point of resolutions and I know the humanistic need for dates and times, but we can choose to change anytime we wish. I'm not going to put my faith in the activities of New Year's Eve and New Year's Day and view it as a gauge of how the rest of my year will be. It's ok that I didn't eat black eyed peas or greens. (I'm not a fan of either one.) 2009 may have begun, but for me, it's just another day leading to the rest of my life.

What 2009 has in store is a mystery to me. All I can do is be the best person I can be and adjust each day as I see fit. I could stress about getting into the graduate program or whether Mr. Amazing will ever live up to his potential or if I'll ever find a real, lasting Mr. Amazing, but what's the point? I'm a child of God and He knows what is ahead and what is best for me. So I'm going to continue to say "You're will, not mine" no matter what year it is.

When I Speak Your Name

2008-12-28T23:07:00.005-06:00

I praise sing at my church every Sunday if I'm there. This Sunday it was just me, Mr. Guitarman and Mr. Drummer, as the other musicians and praise singers were out of town. Well, we were doing our thing this morning, just an acoustic guitar, a little drum for rhythm and our voices. We got to the last song, "When I Speak Your Name." I didn't even make it through the first verse, and I began to cry.

My mind went to the only other time I had sung that song in an actual service. It was a Wednesday night youth service. Before that particular youth service, I had a tiny melt down that no one really knew about. There have been tough times in my life, but I never remember feeling what I had felt that afternoon. I was lying on my mom's couch after dinner and before church. It had been a bad day at school, I was facing some financial difficulties, and I was having my first issues with Mr. Amazing. I can only describe it as the worst spirit of fear that I've ever experienced permeating my whole body. I felt such a great feeling of helplessness, depression, and fear that I was almost motionless on my parent's couch. I remember only being able to speak the name of Jesus at first. The emotion overtook me so quickly that my first and only reaction was to pray. I laid there for about 5 minutes. I don't even remember breathing. All I remember was feeling this deep depression and begging God to give me strength until it passed. After a couple of minutes, I was able to move, but I walked about in a bit of an emotional haze for the rest of the night. I never told anyone about the situation because it was so weird.

So this morning as I sang that song, I instantly began to cry. I remembered that day, which I hadn't thought about previous to today. It wasn't that I was reliving the fear, but I was remembering how speaking the name of Jesus got me out of that situation. I was overtaken by the magnitude of the name of Jesus and how absolutely beautiful it is. I began to think of how far God has brought me this year. Even though I'm still dealing with some of the same issues, I have become a different person, and therefore, I'm able to see things and react to them in a different manner. It left me choking out most of the song instead of singing it, but I think God was OK with that.

Love - Cynicism = Christmas

2008-12-24T21:31:00.003-06:00

I'm a pretty cynical person. It's not necessarily something I'm proud of, but it's who I am. I work on not being too cynical, but it's a defense mechanism. Sometimes in life, I've found, it's better to expect the worst, that way you don't get your hopes up.

I'm not the biggest Christmas fan around. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love getting and receiving presents as much as the next girl. However, I get a bit tired of all the things we are expected to do just because it's Christmas. You have Christmas parties, Christmas programs, and all the other Christmas activities that aren't done because you want to but because you are obligated to do them. It makes my cynicism hit the roof if not kept in check.

But last night, I was reminded what Christmas is about.

I know a young boy with autism who is mesmerized by me. (I know...as if the boy didn't have enough on his plate!) Anyways, he just thinks I am the greatest thing in the world. I feel bad because at times I can get annoyed by his fascination of me. Well he called me last night and said "Hey, Kim! I know that things will be busy in the next few days, but I wanted to call and wish you Merry Christmas, and thanks for helping my Nonna pick out that CD for me. I really like it." I happily wished him a Merry Christmas and hung up the phone with a smile on face and a very touched heart.

This innocent child, who will never be able to function as normally as others will, was completely content with a CD because I picked it out for him. And he made my Christmas by calling me and reminding me that I am important to him. Perhaps he's the only person that can't stop thinking about me, but at least someone is.

But he's not the only one that takes joy in me. Long ago a baby was born, even more innocent, and He was so concerned for me that ended up dying for me. And that is really what Christmas is all about!

My New Theme Song

2008-12-24T16:21:00.001-06:00

Have it Your way!

2008-12-19T22:48:00.006-06:00

Tomorrow I will travel down a road I haven't been down in 4 months...literally. I've wanted to go down it on several occasions. Then for a little while, I wished the road would blow up offering no way to ever get to that point again. But tomorrow, it will be the path for my journey.

I'm very hesitant about traveling down this road. The last time I traveled on it, I was excited. I knew where I was going and positive about the future. I had it pretty much figured out. But then plans changed....or just flat out disappeared. I've wondered if plans changed because it wasn't meant to be or if God was trying to make me trust Him instead of my plans.

Now, I'm contemplating what the road will lead to this time. Part of me hopes that nothing becomes of it because then I'll know it's all over and done with and possibly not experience anymore hurt. But the other part of me desperately clings to the hope that, if even just for a few days, I find excitement and happiness despite the looming possibility of more hurt.

I prayed today and simply said..."God this is what I want to happen, but if it's not what You want, then don't let me get my way because I know I'll be disappointed in the end." I felt a bit like Jesus...."God I don't want to die; please let me live. But if Your will is truly different, then have it your way."

I just don't want to always be alone....

Bring on the Rain!

2008-12-09T17:10:00.004-06:00

There has been an enormous amount of rainfall in the past few hours, and I'm very glad about it. The rain canceled a basketball game at school. So instead of staying to the school until 9 PM, I was able to leave at 3:30. That means for the first time in a while, I have a weeknight to do nothing! So far I've laid on the couch and watched TV. Now I'm at my parents house, going to eat dinner with them, and probably watch The Dark Knight. (Even though I saw it 3 or 4 times in theater.)

Besides the rain on the outside, it's getting pretty stormy inside my head. With the resurrection of Mr. Amazing, my brain is going 90 to nothing. There is a possibility I'll be seeing him soon, and I know exactly how I'm going to handle the situation. It's not what I would tell other people to do. No, I'm sure I'll do the direct opposite...if I actually see him. And if I don't end up seeing him, I'll be mad for wasting all this time fretting over it. So either way I'm going to want to kick myself when this is all over I'm sure.

I'm feeling a little risky with things right now, so...bring it on!

I've Been Busy...

2008-12-07T21:52:00.002-06:00

...so I'm sorry that I haven't posted anything lately. I've had something to do every day after school. I've helped my friend with her monogramming business, kept score at the school basketball games, taken pictures at the school choir concert, and helped a local business with inventory after hours. On top of that I'm doing church stuff, going to the grocery store, and trying to do some Christmas shopping.

Whoever said this is the "most wonderful time of the year" was CRAZY.

As if that wasn't enough, Mr. Amazing texted me out of the blue today....I won't even comment on all of that. I was really hoping to avoid a roller coaster; I just wish I had enough strength to walk away and not get on the ride.

Let's Start a Fire...

2008-11-28T21:03:00.004-06:00

Well consider Mr. Amazing deleted from my phone and my life. In the words of Taylor Swift, "He's just another picture to burn!"

So I texted to tell him Happy Thanksgiving and that I understood that things didn't work out, although I wish he could have just said so. I did say regardless of the situation, I was here if he ever needed anything and that I was thankful he was part of my life that year, if even for a short time.

Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything. Perhaps I should have just said "Happy Thanksgiving" and left it at that. But I wanted closure, needed closure. I didn't want to pine away at home, thinking that maybe, just maybe, he might remember I existed. And I wanted to be nice. I have no real reason to be rude, and I wanted to treat him the way I wanted to be treated.

But just because you treat someone the way you want to be treated, doesn't mean they will actually come through with it. Matter of fact, Mr. Amazing didn't respond back at all. Not even a measly, "same to you" or a condescending "get over me and move on."

So yesterday I did what any self-respecting girl would do. I deleted his number from my list of contacts in my cellphone. I can't delete him from my memory, and I guess I shouldn't. I firmly believe that people come into your life for a reason, and I want to learn all that I can from the situation.

Am I disappointed? Sure. I guess what disappoints me the most, is that he was suppose to be different. He initiated everything and then dropped off the face of the earth as if I never existed. I suppose he thought it would be easier to just fade out of the picture. But I actually respected him and thought that he would have enough class to say, "Hey, I just can't do this."

Anyway, it's over, and now that I've posted it for all the world to see, I feel better. :) Other than that and the fact that Mississippi State lost to Ole Miss 45-0, it's been a good holiday. Hope you all had a great thanksgiving!

Just Looking for a Good Time!

2008-11-22T21:06:00.002-06:00

It may not last too long, so I'm gonna celebrate it while I can. Today was a great day. If only for this weekend, things were fun and light and nice. I'm not letting what could have been and should have been bother me. Nope, I'm enjoying the present and be thankful for what I have. It may not be what I imagined, but it's been fun nonetheless.

Definition of Fearless

2008-11-19T20:54:00.002-06:00

To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death.

FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again…even though every time you’ve tried

before, you’ve lost.

It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”,

and walk away.

I think loving someone despite what people think is FEARLESS. I think allowing yourself to cry on the bathroom floor is FEARLESS. Letting go is FEARLESS. Then, moving on and being alright…That’s FEARLESS too.

But no matter what love throws at you, you have to believe in it. You have to believe in love stories and prince charmings and happily ever after.

(This is from the Fearless album by Taylor Swift.)

Dear God,

2008-11-16T16:16:00.003-06:00

I don't understand it. And I know that I'm not meant to understand everything. I know that I am incapable of seeing the big picture. I'm desperately trying to trust you completely. I want to believe, but please help my unbelief.

I know that I don't deserve anything. Everything I have, everything I am, is only because you are a gracious father who wishes to bestow good upon me.

Forgive me for being selfish and bratty. I know that things could be worse and that there are many, many others who's plight is 100 times more devastating than anything I could imagine.

It doesn't stop my heart from aching but it lessens the pain.

You ultimately are the only one I need, the only one that can make me better. I stand in awe of Your grace and love. I'm amazed by You.

The only thing I have to offer You today are my tears and my life. It's not much, especially compared to Your greatness, but I give it anyway. But the most amazing thing is that You find my humble offering of such enormous value that all of heaven cheers for me.

I'm climbing up in Your lap because I just want to be loved by You. Please, wrap Your arms around me tightly and remind me that You are there. And as Your love surrounds me, let it be so forceful that it emanates through me to others that may also need to be reminded of Your love for them.

Boxspring Mattress Lessons

2008-11-13T19:02:00.007-06:00

For the past 5-6 years I've slept on 2 mattresses. I wanted my bed to be soft and cushy so that I just sunk into it. That was all good, but now, my back hurts. Guess my age is catching up with me. Anyways, I asked for a box springs mattress for Christmas. For unimportant reasons, I got the box springs today. I laid on the bed, and it was hard and well, felt like a regular bed.

Guess that's how I've been living my life for a while. I wanted everything to be soft and cushy and fun and youthful. But life is catching up with me, and grown up life is plain and hard at times. I'm realizing that it doesn't matter that I still feel like I'm 16; I'm not. I'm an adult, and I have to play by adult rules. I don't get a free pass from bills or dumb bosses or stupid guys because I don't look my age.

This isn't a fuss or a pity party. I'm not crying about the situation. I'm just waking up to reality and pulling up my big girl panties and getting into the game. It's not as fun as I imagined it would be, but most things aren't.

I assume things with Mr. Amazing are over. This is one of the other many lessons I'm learning. Ok, I've never been in a relationship or "talked" to a normal guy. By normal guy, I mean a guy who wasn't a "Church Guy". And technically, I haven't dated anyone in about 7 years. So I don't really know what all "talking" to a guy entails nor do I know how to really deal with long distance, non-official relationships. I'm having to assume a lot of things. Like I assume the reason he is not texting me or replying to the few texts I've sent is because he is fading out of the picture and has moved on to someone else. It is very weird to me that I've gone from talking to someone everyday to talking to them once in a 2 week period. It's also weird that a couple of weeks ago he says he misses me and wants to see me and swears that he's sorry he can't make the trip, and then the next week I hear nothing from him. It bothers me a little that, about a month ago, I straight up told him to tell me when it all got too much for him to handle and that he promised he would do so but hasn't.

Now, I may be a bit clueless, but I am no body's fool. I'm not going to keep texting, hoping he replies. If he can't make time for me, I'm not going to chase after him. He was the one that initiated everything at first, and I've given him lenience because of his busy school schedule, but I'm not going to believe that he couldn't make time for me if he really wanted to. I'm not saying he's a bad person, but I'm not excusing him for not being up front and honest with me either. Perhaps this is just how things work out there in the dating world.

What I will do is be thankful for the amazing times I did have with him, however short lived they were. He kept me from being depressed on my 25th birthday, and perhaps this was just one of God's little temporary gifts to me. Whatever the answer, I'm going to learn my lesson, be thankful for the experience, and lay in the less cushier bed I've made.

System Shut Down

2008-11-03T18:49:00.004-06:00

My body waved the white flag this weekend. It's been a stressful, emotional, and tiring past few months. So Saturday, it was quitting time. I went to bed feeling pretty miserable Saturday, and Sunday morning I was in the throws of a full blown sinus infection.

I would like to proudly state that it has been a year and 2 months since my last visit to the doctor for a sinus infection. But today when my doctor took a look at my throat, she stepped back and said "Ew, that is pretty bad!" I got a shot and some antibiotics, so I'll be right as rain in a few days. As for taking a break, well, I can sleep when I'm dead, right?

The stress part is not all my fault. Things at school have been pretty crazy. Professionally, I shouldn't discuss it with the blogosphere. I'll just say we've been dealing with break-ins, vandalism, fights, sheriffs, expulsions, and new security cameras. I'm not concerned for my safety or the safety of my students really, but it's been very crazy the past few months. I think most everything has calmed down for now.

There have been great people that have helped ease the stress from my lack of a social life though. Things are as minimal as possible with Mr. Amazing. An older male teacher at school saw me today and said "Did you go there this weekend?" I told him no. He then asked "Was he here this weekend?" Again, I replied no. "Stupid Boy!" The teacher just shook his head and kept walking. Oh well, good things come to those who wait. I think I'll just shut that system down for a while too.

My Pastor Says...

2008-10-26T21:16:00.001-05:00

If you feel the need to gossip and "vent", go to your room and scream. Then beat your head up against the wall several times until you pass out. After that, you won't remember what it was you needed to gossip about! :)

Heavy Ignorance

2008-10-23T19:43:00.004-05:00

Ignorance is bliss.

I'm not exactly sure who first coined the phrase, most likely the poet Thomas Grey. But I'm finding that it's a pretty accurate statement, at least lately.

The less one knows, the less one stresses, the less worry, the less is required of her. Sometimes I wish I didn't know all the things I know. Sometimes I wish I didn't hear the rumors that I hear. Sometimes I wish I wasn't privy to all the information about people that I know.

When you know things, you have to react. At least I do. I'm not one who sits by idly. As hard as I wished I could at times, I can't. Then when I can't change things, I get frustrated. Life would be so much easier, if I could just tend to me and no one else. I know that isn't how things work, and I know that no man is an island, but I think things would be a lot smoother.

I wished I didn't care sometimes. I wish I could just turn my emotions off and not feel. Sometimes feeling is just too much. Carrying the weight of the world, or at least your personal world, is just a load too heavy.

Grey Advice

2008-10-16T19:45:00.003-05:00

"For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything."

-- Alex Karev, Grey's Anatomy

I can definitely relate!

2008-10-15T17:04:00.002-05:00

“In my sealed world, a problem person who crossed over to the outside was briefly mourned and soon forgotten: an enemy all knew how to handle. They stood away from such a person. But a problem person who chose for whatever reason to remain inside became a feared and troubling liability, and ultimately a demonic presence. They didn't know how to relate to you, because you were inside and outside simultaneously; you blurred the lines of separation; they didn't know what to tell their children.” -Chaim Potok

More than just a Blog

2008-10-13T20:37:00.004-05:00

There have been times where I've sat down at my computer, blogged my heart out, and walked away feeling 100% better. Many times my problems have been solved staring at this blogger screen. However, I've found that sometimes, no matter how much I dissect and discuss, the situation doesn't make sense and doesn't get better. So I come back time and time again to write it all out and see if the therapy works.

Tonight, I find it doesn't.

Life is hard....and it only gets harder. Just when you think you have it all figured out, and you know your purpose, things get cloudy. I guess in my naive youth I thought after college I would have it all figured out, and for a while, I suppose I did. Then suddenly, here I am out of college, with a career, and still as clueless as ever as to what I want out of life.

I guess what scares me is will I ever be satisfied? Will I ever finally get it all figured out and be happy with it? Will I feel the need to change, to move, to reinvent myself every 3-5 years?

Then I feel guilty. I know that there are people with much worst lives than me. And I'm surrounded by good friends and family that love me, and yet I still want more. I can't help but feel bad for not being satisfied. I know I'm blessed but there's more out there that I want.

I want romance and adventure. I want more money. I want more interaction with the world. I just want more than mediocrity....

Positive Points

2008-10-08T21:41:00.003-05:00

It's hard to be positive when it's so easy to be negative. But I'm going to force myself! Here's the good things that have gone on this week....

I got paid $50.00 this week for helping out my friend. I'm not sure if that's pay for the month or the week or just whenever, but it certainly did help out! God has really blessed with opening this avenue up for me.
I had a mini-talk with Mr. Amazing. Things are better though not ideal. But then again, when has anything been ideal for me? He's busy and stressed but not dropping off the face of the planet. That will do for now.
I've decided to go back to school. It'll be this summer before I can begin because I've got to take my GRE, get accepted to Grad School, and apply for a fellowship to pay for the schooling. I'll still be teaching while going to school, so it'll take a couple of years, but I'm up for it. I miss intelligent conversation and discussion but I'm sure it'll be very stressful and time consuming at times.
Monday and Tuesday are fall break. I wished I had somewhere to go but I have no money in which to go anywhere. But despite that, it'll be really nice to have a small break. Maybe I can get some reading done.

15 Minutes....and 14 Seconds....

2008-10-05T21:34:00.004-05:00

My brother invited a few people over last night to watch the Kimbo Slice fight. I'm not a follower of UFC or MMA, but when I catch it on or see it live, I do find it interesting. There has been huge publicity about Kimbo especially because of his YouTube fights, and so I decided to stay up and catch the fight with everyone else. Kimbo's fight was the main event so we had to watch the other 2 hours of non-important people fight first. My eyes were getting heavy but I had made it this long. I had to see the action.

2 hours for 14 seconds! Yep, Kimbo got his tail kicked in 14 seconds. Might I add that it was by some no name guy who was smaller than Kimbo and was picked last minute to fight him when his original opponent Shamrock was ineligible because of a cut over his eye.

Like I said, I don't know a lot about MMA fighting, but because Kimbo didn't even FIGHT BACK...the match was called and some Steve guy won by TKO. Couldn't believe it. Kimbo got his 15 minutes and now it's Steve's turn.

*****************

And it looks like Mr. Amazing may have had his 15 minutes on my blog as well. He's kinda been a little shady lately. No weekend is good to see him, his texts only come after I've texted him, and then this weekend...no word whatsoever. I know he's stressed with school and that he doesn't have a lot of money to spare on visits but all he has to do is say so. If he just can't deal with the long distance thing, then speak up.

I guess it shouldn't surprise me...those things that seem too good to be true always are! I do find that I have the worst luck when it comes to guys, and maybe I'll never learn my lesson. But you can guarantee I have learned one thing from Unconquerable boy and that other one...I won't stick around for 2+ years keeping quiet and being some one's option. Mr. Amazing has got a couple of more days of no communication (if I can contain myself that long) and then he's got some explaining to do.

I'm not mad and I'm certainly not going to be mean., but we need to shoot straight here. We aren't "official' and I realize that, but one weekend you are saying how you can't wait to see me again and asking when the next available weekend is. The next weekend you hardly say a word to me? If there's someone else or you just want to keep it casual, then tell someone. But I can't take the roller coaster ride again. I must know where I stand in order to protect my heart....the part that hasn't already begun to break.

If things in deed go bad, hopefully my heartache will only have 15 minutes of fame as well....

A Ram in the Bush?

2008-09-30T20:39:00.002-05:00

A tiny light has busted through the cracks of my financial cave.

I made an offer to a friend today, not expecting anything in return. I was simply just trying to do a good deed and help her out. She offered to pay me a little for my efforts. So not only is she getting helped out but she'll be helping me out by giving me a little cash once a week. It's not a fortune but every little bit helps!

It's not that I don't think God will come through, I just stress on how long it takes him to get there. Although His time is perfect, He can still make a girl sweat.

All Together Now..."AW, Poor Kim..."

2008-09-29T20:51:00.005-05:00

I'm broke. Really, really broke. Like I only have $7.00 left of October's paycheck. Yep, I've already paid bills and have just a little more than a dollar a week to last me to November. Then in November I have to pay my car insurance. I don't have any money to pay the car insurance. Thank God I have my parents who can loan me the money until I can come up with it. I need a part-time job. I need a couple of more hours a day in which to have this part-time job. I've got to do something...

As if being poor wasn't enough worry, I'm beginning to think I'll never see Mr. Amazing again. He's swamped with school and I'm swamped with all the things I do. The weekends I have free, he has to study. The weeks he has free, I have school stuff or weddings or whatever. :( Plus neither of us have a lot of money in which to travel with and spend on dates. Text messages and phone calls are just not enough at times.

So I'm money-less and boy-less which leaves me with a lot of loneliness! (Have I gained any ounce of sympathy?)

Let me add that my face is having major zittage, but I can't pay to go to the dermatologist. I was using Proactive but it stopped working, and I had to discontinue my subscription b/c I can't afford it. I also had to cancel my membership at the YMCA to save me $32 a month. Now I'm going to be out of shape with a bad complexion. Maybe if I get a part-time job, I'll be working all the fat off and won't need the Y?

And while I'm ranting, I really dislike stupid, un-fun people. I dislike people that have nothing better to talk about than other people. I dislike those that look at me as if I'm some horrible person because I don't meet their requirements. I'm frustrated with people who take advantage of others misfortunes. I know I've been guilty of all those things in my 25 years, but I'm glad I'm not who I once was. I'm glad God is showing me there is so much more to life. And I know that they persecuted Jesus so they will also persecute me.

I just need to get away from it all...oh wait...I don't have any money to go anywhere! AHH!

Something Missing?

2008-09-20T23:07:00.007-05:00

Many times I wonder, if we could see through God's eyes, how amazed we would be at the stupidity of our "Christian" efforts. I think we would laugh at our attempts to do right and be who we think we are suppose to be. At times we might even be embarrassed of how far off we are from the mark.

Not that being Christ like is unattainable or too lofty a goal. No, I think we would find that we make it much more complicated than it was intended to be.

Please don't think I'm making light of a relationship with the Lord or saying that it's the easiest thing in the world to do. It takes dedication and commitment of course. But it's so simple to have a relationship with God that anyone can do it. It has to be because everyone is entitled to it. Everyone is capable of it, yet many just choose not to accept it.

Perhaps we are partly to blame for them not accepting God's love. Perhaps we make it seem too hard. Perhaps we make them think they are not worthy enough. Perhaps we make them think God's love is just not worth all the pressure.

I think of all the times I was stressed to the max because of a church function. Choir practice, drama practice, Sunday school, youth functions. I was so busy performing some religious duties that I didn't have a life. I didn't have time to talk to God because I had church things to do. I didn't have time to develop a relationship with anyone outside of my church walls because I was too caught up with church activities. Win the lost? Ha! Who had time for that? I was too busy doing something at church.

Being a follower of Christ is so much more than 3 praise and worship songs, an offering, a sermon, and a good 10 minute prayer at the altar. It's more than a good drama performance or PowerPoint presentation. And not that there is anything wrong with all of that. But if we think that is all there is to God, to church, or to life, then we have have drastically missed the whole point of the cross.

Full from Love!

2008-09-14T21:43:00.004-05:00

I am full. I am complete. I'm not sure I've felt that way in a long time. Something has always been missing. Oh, I've been happy and peaceful, but never this complete because I've never understood the magnitude of love.

I have friends and family. I have people in my life that I know love me and would do anything and everything they could for me. I have people that care about me spiritually and physically. I have people that aren't worried about me making mistakes. They are there to pull me up if it happens though. I have friends that love me for me, not for what I can do for them.

There is a guy out there who likes me. He may not be perfect, but neither am I. The situation may not be completely ideal, but is it ever? And he may not end up being "the one", but it sure is fun spending time with him! He thinks I'm cute, and he texts me goodnight every night, no matter how late it is.

I also have a God who loves me unconditionally. He has no expectations of me. He isn't frustrated with me when I fail. He loves me. And even though he's not thrilled with the choices I make at times, He loves me the same. I don't disappoint him. He takes joy in me. He's especially fond of me.

So here on Earth, and even in Heaven, I've got people who have my back. I've got people who support me and love me. I have people who take joy in my accomplishments and share my sorrows with me.

I know there are days when I won't feel so complete. There will be days when I doubt things, but it won't negate the fact that the love still exists. People may come and go in my life, but love will always remain.

Feasting on that is enough to make anyone full!

Sinners Welcome

2008-09-13T16:10:00.001-05:00

This sign was hanging outside the local coffee shop. I want it to be the theme of my heart.

Love from The Shack

2008-09-08T18:49:00.006-05:00

I'm not sure where this post is going. I have several things floating around my head. Maybe it will become several posts, or maybe it will be just one long one. Most of this stuff will be excerpts from The Shack and my thoughts about the quotes. Some things will just be my rants...

A brief background of The Shack:
This man named Mack gets a letter from God to visit him at The Shack. The Shack is a very emotional scarring place for Mack and here he meets the Trinity. God (Papa) reveals himself as a black woman, Jesus is a Hebrew carpenter, and the Holy Spirit is an Asian woman. (Don't freak out or judge unless you read the book.)

"How can you really know how I feel?" Mack asked, looking back into her eyes.

Papa didn't answer, only looked down at their hands. his gaze followed
hers and for the first time Mack noticed the scars in her wrists, like those he
now assumed Jesus also had on his. She allowed him to tenderly touch the scars,
outlines of a deep piercing, and he finally looked up again into her eyes. Tears
were slowly making their way down her face, little pathways through the flour
that dusted her cheeks.

"Don't ever think that what my son chose to do didn't cost us dearly. Love always leaves a significant mark," she stated softly and gently. "We were there together."

Mack was surprised. "At the cross? Now wait, I thought you left him - you know - 'My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?'"

"You misunderstand the mystery there. Regardless of what he felt at that moment, I never left him."

"How can you say that? You abandoned him just like you abandoned me!"

"Mackenzie, I never left him, and I have never left you."

"That makes no sense to me," he snapped.

"I know it doesn't, at least not yet. Will you at least consider this:
When all you can see is your pain, perhaps then you lose sight of me?"

Later in the chapter:

"Papa?" Mack finally said in a way that felt very awkward, but he was trying.

"Yes, honey?"

Mack struggled for the words to tell her what was in his heart. "I'm so sorry that you, that Jesus, had to die."

She walked around the table and gave Mack another big hug. "I know you are, and
thank you. But you need to know that we aren't sorry at all. It was worth it.
Isn't that right, son?"

She turned to ask her question of Jesus, who had just entered the cabin. "Absolutely!" He paused and then looked at Mack. "And I would have done it even if it were only for you, but it wasn't!" he said with an inviting grin.

In my recent journey, I've little by little begun to understand God's love, although I'm sure I'll never be able to fathom it's depth. Reading this passage in The Shack brought tears to my eyes. It's as if the author of this book is the oracle of God's mouth. I can imagine God speaking these very things to my heart. I know this is how God, how Jesus, felt while he was on the cross. And when you can grasp this love, it will completely transform your life. It has mine.

It makes me wonder why people don't preach this. I can't see why if everyone knew this is how God felt, why they wouldn't run to Him. But people are scared. They are scared of such love and such grace...even "Christians". Christians, at least those that I've been in contact with, have often feared teaching grace and the amazing love of God because they felt it would create an outlet for sin. If people knew of God's forgiveness they would take advantage of it. But I think if people knew of the depths of God's grace, if they knew this type of love existed, they wouldn't want to take advantage. I think they would try even harder to do the right thing because they wouldn't do it out of fear of punishment but out of a longing to return the love that has been given to them.

Falling

2008-09-05T22:52:00.004-05:00

He tickled her and tossed her back towards the bed. They began to playfully wrestle, and next thing she knew, she was hanging off the edge of the bed.

"Don't push me off." She seemed to plead in between laughs.

"Why? You scared?" He teased, pushing her again towards the ledge.

"Matthew!" she screamed his name out a little loudly, this time startling even him.

"Woe...you really are afraid of falling, huh?" he grabbed her firmly saving her from any tumble towards the ground.

The words resounded in her ears. She was terrified of falling....both physically and figuratively. What if there was no one to catch her? What if it hurt? What if she was scarred beyond recognition from the fall? What if nothing was able to put her back together? Yes, she really was afraid of falling, not so much from the bed, but from this high place that she had set her heart, away from the reach of any guy....well almost any guy.

It seemed like her mind had been churning for hours, but it was only seconds when her eyes met his again. He had asked a question and all she could reply back was...

"Yes, falling is one of my biggest fears."

"I'll try not to drop you then." He said dangling her again off the side of the bed.

She prayerfully mumbled, "I sure hope so..."

Oh How I've Missed You!

2008-09-03T19:56:00.004-05:00

It seems it's been forever since I've posted. I hope you few faithful readers haven't given up on me yet. In some aspects nothing new has been going on, but then again, my life has been radically changing.

Mr. Amazing is still amazing! I went to visit him this past weekend and I met a lot of his friends and his family. He was so attentive and sweet. Always there with his arm around me or holding my hand even in front of his best guy buddies. He makes me feel pretty and wanted. We still aren't "official" but I'm OK with that. Right now we don't even know when we are going to get to see each other again. Between his school schedule and my work schedule, it's going to be a little more difficult for us to see each other, but we both promise to try and make it work. I do talk to him everyday if only via text. But again, all of this is good enough for me. I'm cool with taking things really slow because I would probably freak out if it went any faster. There are still a few things that will eventually need to be worked out so I'm not throwing my heart out there completely, but I'll admit, it's really hard to keep it in check!

A few other things:

My parents and brother bought me the new iPhone 3G for my birthday. It's got some pretty cool new features but really isn't that different. I don't actually get 3G service anywhere near my city. I have to go to a big city like Jackson or Little Rock to get 3G service.

I'm listening to the book "The Shack" on CD. I've heard really great things about it, and I'm enjoying it so far.

I also downloaded "The Last Lecture" on my iPhone. I've also heard good things about it. The guy that wrote the book just recently passed away. He was a professor at a college and was diagnosed with Cancer. His book is based on the ideas he presented at his last lecture. It's all about achieving one's dreams.

I downloaded Google Chrome. It seems pretty nifty so far. I'm thinking I'm going to like it a lot!

I'm excited about all the new TV premieres. This season I'm watching One Tree Hill, Gossip Girls, 90210, The Secret Life of an American Teenager. I'm also excited about the new season of Grey's Anatomy and Private Practice!

No Sharing!

2008-08-20T17:57:00.002-05:00

I don't really have anything I wish to share. Even though I enjoy talking about Mr. Amazing, I find that I don't want to share it to the whole blogosphere. I'd rather keep all his sweet, wonderful gestures more intimate than the world wide web.

So if I'm not talking about him, I find that I don't have much else to share with you right now.

School is going well, church is going well, and for the most part, life in general is going well. Maybe something interesting will lead me to blog soon.

Mr. Amazing meets Greenville

2008-08-17T14:39:00.002-05:00

Mr. Amazing came to visit me for my birthday. It was the greatest, sweetest, most unrealistic weekend of my life. Maybe I'll post more later, but for now, I'm going to go enjoy the rest of my birthday.

Exhaustion!

2008-08-11T20:33:00.002-05:00

I'm exhausted. Mentally and Physically. It's not the "I need a vacation" kind of exhaustion. It's a "I wish things would give" kind of exhaustion.

It's nothing new. Things always seem to pile up at the wrong time. With the beginning of the school year on me, it just seems like I have so many things to do. Church events, weddings, showers, friends, football and softball games, students...the list goes on and on. In all of the chaos I'm still dealing with all the changes I'm going through spiritually and then watching my friends dealing with the same issues. I couldn't imaging my life without all the hoop-la but at times, I envy the lives of those with less drama!

Then there is Mr. Amazing. He's still being amazing, and despite the faith I'm trying to have, I'm still waiting for the amazing to dwindle into "same ole crap." I remind myself that it's easy to be amazing when you're 3 hours away so that I don't completely let my guard down. I just have to wait until the rubber meets the road, until he's in my city spending time with me in person and not via cell phone. I keep whispering to God..."Is it really my turn for something great??" The verdict hasn't arrived quite yet.

My body hasn't gotten use to waking up at 6 AM nor my feet from standing for 12 hours. So I'm going to end this post and put my weary little body to bed! Tomorrow's a new day...and telling Mr. Amazing goodnight is a highlight to every day!

Back to High School...literally and figuratively!

2008-08-04T17:47:00.003-05:00

School started back today. I'm exhausted from having to wake up early and from sitting in meaningless meetings all day. I tried to grab a power nap but text messages and phone calls ended that. I gave up hope because I didn't have too much time left. A friend from High School was in town so he took me to dinner and a movie. We had a great time and actually ran into 2 other friends from High School. One guy we saw took one look at me and called out "Kimbo!" my nickname from school. He kept going on about how it had been so long since we'd seen each other. We are both still living in town, and it's a small town, but we never have run into one another. The night was fun, catching up with old friends.

For those of you interested, I have in fact talked to Mr. Amazing via phone or text messaging every day. He's always very sweet and still says he's trying to come visit before school starts back for him in a few weeks. I'm trying to take everything as it comes and not try to be in control of the situation. If he comes, great. If he doesn't, then he doesn't. It's all much easier said than done because it's a TOTALLY different attitude than what I'm use to.

The Truth

2008-07-30T21:35:00.003-05:00

Here's the truth. Straight from my heart, and I may regret spilling it all out on the blogosphere tomorrow, but tonight it's driving me crazy.

When it comes to relationships, good things don't happen to me. I have hilarious, one-of-a-kind stories about all the bad things that can happen. I can tell you of stalkers from every walk of life. I can tell you about Gerber daises and tulips being delivered from unwanted suitors. I can tell you about random conversations that would make you die from laughter. I can make you gag from the thought of certain guys throwing me a line. That's my life. For the past 6-7 years, my life has been unstable in the relationship category. The only thing I knew for a fact was there was no certainty. Each time I found myself possibly interested, it didn't work out. Sometimes I figured that out quickly, and other times it took me years of hanging on to much of nothing.

I've come to accept it. I walked away from trying to force things to work when clearly it wasn't happening. In the past few weeks, I've once again wore my singleness with pride and confidence. Then cue the new guy, Mr. Amazing. Everything about our meeting has been crazy. Things like this don't happen to me. Guys like him aren't interested in me. Fairy tales don't exist in my life. There is no way that any of this can be real. Could it be that finally, the tables have turned and odds are in my favor?

Every time he text or calls I get all giddy and excited. I want to talk about him to everyone. I want to stare at his picture for hours. I want it to be real, but I can't do that. I can't let myself get all carried away because I've only known him for a week. I only spent 3 days with him. He's 3 hours away about to head back to college, and I'm just some girl who can't compete with all the other girls.

I just don't want another let down. I'd rather be alone then back to the uncertainty of a guy again. I want to rest my head on something real but I'm so terrified in a few days or weeks it will all fade away. And I just don't know that my poor heart can take much more. I wouldn't take back the 3 days I had with him. They were so much fun. He made me feel so beautiful and so wanted, things I haven't felt in such a long time. But I just find it too hard to trust in something so unlikely...

Sorry...but not really!

2008-07-27T00:07:00.003-05:00

I apologize for the lack of posts. I was out of town visiting friends and didn't have time to write anything. I'm leaving later today or Monday morning for a few days on the beach, so this week will be slim with stories as well. I am sorry.

But...I have a great excuse! I met the cutest, most wonderful guy in the whole entire world a few days ago. It was like a movie or country song the way it all happened. I'm not exactly sure what's going to become of it. I'm trying my hardest to stay grounded and not just float all the way to cloud 9. Pray I won't become a total sap!

One Church

2008-07-16T22:20:00.005-05:00

Tonight was the beginning of an extremely awesome combination of churches that I believe is going to rock the youth of the Delta!

My church, along with 3-4 other churches, met up and had a huge youth service. Our youth band did the worship service and it was so great to help lead all the youth there in worship to our King. I know many hearts were moved and lives were changed.

Friday night we are meeting at another church for another youth service. I can't wait to see how God moves again!

It doesn't matter what our theological difference is. We are able to come together as ONE CHURCH and do what we were meant to do, worship God and share the gospel of Jesus! That's what it's all about!

Where? When? Here! Now!

2008-07-15T23:20:00.007-05:00

Where did the church (as a whole) go wrong? When did we start to think that God blesses us to store it all up? Why did we think it is ok to hold on to what God gave us? Why aren't we giving out of our abundance? Why aren't we helping the unfortunate at every turn? Instead we are praying "God bless me. God send this to me. God I need." Then when He provides we hold on to it for dear life as if He is not the owner of the cattle on a thousand hills, as if He doesn't have more where that came from.

I've found that God is big enough to supply us with lots. Then when we've given to everyone we can find, we still have tons left over. I've found that God can take 2 fishes and 5 loaves of bread and feed 5000 with plenty to spare.

Why does the church think they are the final say on salvation? When did we think we could take salvation into our own hands? Why do we think that works save us. Why do we try to put God in a formula. Why do we lay out certain standards to follow and only then can we make it to heaven. When did the cross become null and void?

I've learned that salvation is a matter of the heart. No one can pronounce you saved but Jesus. I'm happy to leave it up to him. I have no room to judge anyone for the way they dress, worship, or act. I can love them like Jesus would...with no strings attached.

When did we think there was more to God than just love? When did we think that there was something more important than love? At what point did our traditions and rituals become more important than just loving God and loving our neighbor? When did our agenda become more important than the one who created the heavens and the earth?

I've found that all the laws and all the prophets and everything that has anything to do with God hang on the fact that we love God and we love our neighbor. Love is all there is...there is no substitute. If we can't love someone, if someone can't sense our love, then there is something wrong with us. But if we could ever love like Jesus loved, there would be no need to argue. We would just love and accept the good and the bad.

When did we decided that we don't need Grace. When did Grace become a bad word? When did it become obsolete?

I know that I need grace everyday. I know that I am saved only through Grace, and Grace is the only thing that will keep me until the day of salvation. I realize that I am unworthy but only because God's grace am I made holy. Without grace, we are nothing.

I think we've lost sight of what's important. Here's my list of all you really need to know...

God loves you more than anything. There is nothing that can separate you from the love of Jesus Christ. There is nothing that can make Him not love you. He loves you so much He died for you!
Jesus wants you to take the love He gives you and give it back to everyone else. He doesn't ask you to agree with everyone or be the best-est of friends with everyone. But he does want you to love, accept, and respect every other human being.
There is nothing you can do to earn your salvation. Salvation is simply a gift that God gives. All you have to do is accept it. Once you accept His salvation you will want to do great works for God because He's done such great things for you. But doing those great deeds doesn't make you any better or any holier than anyone else. It just means you're grateful.
Jesus is more than able to provide you with everything you need. But he wants you to take what you've been given and share it with your world. Whether he's given you money or talent or salvation, you can share it with anyone and everyone. Although they may not accept it, offer it anyway!

I believe if we could grasp that, everything else would come...

Love is Kind

2008-07-14T00:27:00.002-05:00

Kim's Korner - What is Love - Kindness