Originally Unoriginal

This is why I’m upset – Not because Trump won.  He had a 50/50 chance.  I would have been disappointed with Hilary Clinton too.  Why I’m mad is because people who claim to be Christ followers, Christians, honestly believe that the President-elect is a fellow believer. I’m shocked.  I’m stunned.  Most importantly, I’m saddened. If you think that he was the “lesser of two evils”, I can understand.  If you thought that maybe his erratic policy would shake things up, I can understand that too.  But if you honestly think that this man is a Christian, well, that I can’t understand. This man joined the Republican Party which stands for “pro-life” and “anti-gay” policies, and perhaps, you consider those Christian qualities.  But that does not make a Christian.  This man, our President-elect, has multiple marriages, has on numerous occasions spoke derogatorily against other races and gender, and has performed numerous shady, corrupt busin...

There is a biological clock that ticks.  Sometimes it's so faint, I don't even hear it.  Other times, its tick-tock is more like a sonic boom in my ears, reminding me that my "best years" are quickly slipping by. There have been times where I thought the clock's ticking was meaningless because my life was headed in the right direction.  The good guy in my life would lead to a proposal, house, family...to taking my rightful place in society.  Or, I was applying for jobs in big cities where I could live the single life seen in the movies...just fun and friends! With the guys never seeming to pan out, I figured it was time to spread my wings and fly.  To become Miss Independent, far away from the small country life I have lived for so long.  And many, many people encouraged it.  There is no future here in Greenville, no real single friends my age, no possibilities for someone like me.  Then there were those that questioned, what are you going to ...

So the other day I simply prayed "God, if you aren't going to restore this relationship, help me move on.  I'm ready to be through with this."  A few hours later I had an email from him saying "I'm moving on.  If you want to discuss this, we can, but after that I can't speak to you anymore.  I need to make some decisions with a clear conscious."  And that was it.  Couldn't get more final than that!  Maybe if the email had come a few days or a week later.  But no, there was no mistaking this answer from God.  "You asked for it...poof!"  And there it was...the answer to what I had been praying for since September.  I'm not sure what made me pray that prayer that way on that day.  I'm not sure what made God answer the prayer with an email that quickly.  But whatever the reason, there was no denying that it was God. And of course, it wasn't the answer I wanted.  It was infuriating.  Why now God?  Why answer ...

I think I have a twisted view of God.  But I'm not sure I can help it because it's the view I have of Him.  And our view of others is due to experiences and perspectives, and how can you change those? So the backstory....I've always been ok with Greenville.  I mean, I love to travel, and I know this town is kind of a dump, but I've always been satisfied here.  I've been content with being near my family, being involved in church, and having a good job.  But over the past few years, especially this year, I have become distant from the town and the things that use to make me feel content.  Now the thought of being here another year makes me want to curl up and cry. My job is frustrating, and the fulfillment I once had is quickly dying out. I won't lie, a big part of all this frustration is my dating life.  I've never had a lot of boyfriends, but I've always been so busy and had so many guy friends, that I was ok.  But then the past 2 years I've ...

I've done a lot of forgiving in my life.  I've forgiven others, forgiven people who didn't even know they needed forgiving.  I've even forgiven myself on occasion.  Never once did I think I may need to tell God I forgive Him.  That probably seems sacrilegious to most.  But nonetheless, I did. With my past breakup I teetered on the edge of anger with God.  Not anger as in "I'll never serve You again." Anger as in, "I trusted You that things would be better, that I wouldn't get hurt again."  I felt as if God had let me down.  He allowed me to walk into a relationship that I and anyone else you would have asked thought was finally the right one.  And out of nowhere it ended.  And I was left looking heavenward and asking God, "How could You do this to me?"  I remember begging God, "Please, not again."  And yet His answers is "Yes, again." Like I said, I'm sure no one else is cocky enough to question the almi...

I've learned that one way or another, you will have to face some issues in your life.  There are insecurities, flaws, imperfections that we all have.  We are aware of them.  But they aren't always present, and we can hide them so deep that during the good times, you forget about them completely.  But as soon as the trouble comes, the pesky problems rear their ugly heads.  Sometimes you have enough strength to push them back down into their hiding place and act as if nothing happened.  Sometimes, you just don't have the strength to hide it anymore. And so eventually, like it or not, you have to face the demons.  I had to face some insecurities about myself.  But the only way I knew to handle it was to take it to the Lord.  My strength was gone, but thankfully, in my weakness, He is strong!  I sat down and had a heart to heart.  Then I said...ok God, here are these insecurities....get 'em good! As I prayed, I began to ask God "Why...

Today I woke up with some sad things on my mind, and I was fighting a small dose of depression. I sat down on the floor in my room as I tied my shoes, swallowing back tears, and whispered up a prayer. "God I'm gonna gonna need your strength to make it today, more so than normal." I read my daily scripture and meditated on the thought that I move, breathe, and exist only in Christ. I made it to school determined not to focus on my lack but on my blessings. It didn't take long for God to show up and answer my prayer. By the time I made it to the first class period of the day, God said "Let me show you how GREAT I am!!" There is a girl at our school who found out when she was in 8 th grade that she had tumors on her spine. She had the tumors removed and was then placed in a wheelchair due to some paralysis. She's now in 10 th grade and found out that the cancer had spread to her brain. She simply said "They got it off my spine; they can get i...

Forgiveness is a funny thing. Sometimes it's so easy, while other times, it seems impossible. I know women that forgive men that hurt them or abuse them, but will hold a grudge against a girl-friend for years. Why do we do that? How do we hold on to certain things, and let other things go? There was once a guy who did tons of stupid things to me, yet I always seemed to find a way to forgive him. Perhaps it was just plain ole stupidity. Maybe, we easily forgive those that we are scared to lose. Perhaps we easily forgive those because we are scared not to forgive them. Either way, it seems pretty messed up. I'm in a current situation, where I know I have to forgive, and for the most part, feel like I have. However, this forgiveness doesn't feel the same as usual. I can't seem to easily pass it off and embrace the ones I forgave. Quite the opposite, I want to stay far, far away from the entire situation. Some may say it isn't true forgiveness; some may say I ...

It's been almost a year since I've written anything. Lately I've had a lot of people ask me about my blog, and even today I received an email from someone who had stumbled upon my blog. I started writing this as a creative outlet, and it turned into therapy for me. I never thought it would become anything anyone else would care about. Perhaps it was helpful to others. But despite it's original intentions, it was helpful to me, and it's been helpful to read all the CRAZINESS I've been through. Sometimes it's good to see how I've matured in the past 5 years, and then, how somethings never change. And so here I am, writing again. Sharing something that may help someone, but really just chronically another event in my life that I may want to remember in the years to come. I went on a cruise back in October, and I was determined to see a sunrise on the ocean horizon. So the last day of the cruise, I woke my mom up at 6:30, we threw on some clothes and wen...

Jesus and I sat and had an intense conversation today. It was good to have the time to just sit down and enjoy talking with him without feeling rushed. Grad school and a full time job doesn't offer a ton of down time. But during our time together, he impressed upon me a scripture "Yet he slay me, yet will I trust Him." I know the verse; I know what it means, but for the first time, I let the weight of those words really sink in. I have a hard time with trust, and to apply this verse to my life, the real truth of this verse, is a bit overwhelming. When I pray this verse, I'm saying "God, even if all my hopes and ambitions and dreams are never fulfilled, even if I never get what I want, even if everything in my life falls apart, I will still trust that God has it under control." Do we really realize how heavy that is?? That's trust beyond my imagination. I know that God wants me to trust Him that much. And I'm learning. But something else I rea...

I am sorry for the long delay between blog posts. Who knew life would get so busy? But, alas, I have scheduled time to write to those faithful followers that are left! So a quick run-down of what has been going on in my life lately: Grad school has been kicking my butt...so I kicked back! Scored a 102 on my first Intro to Counseling class and a 100 on my first counseling video! It's requiring a lot of work, but I'm managing. I may only take 1 class next semester because Spring Semester is usually my busiest at school. We'll see how it works. I may have conquered my problem of procrastination...least for now. With everything on my plate (2 grad classes, 1 online training, monthly face to face training, etc) I can't afford to get behind. I've been doing a great job of staying on top of the game, if I do say so myself. I got a DOG! He's a 2 year old Yorkie who is house trained and use to apartment life. Between my brother and I, I am sure we can manage hi...

Dad, Mom, and I went on a very quick trip to Baton Rouge Wednesday and Thursday. We had a nice time shopping and eating! (I overruled and got to pick most of the places to go!) After a late lunch at Olive Garden, we set out on our way home. But we weren't aware of the adventurous trip home it would be! Not too far out of town, I had the sudden urge to pee. (Not surprising, considering the Starbucks coffee and 2 raspberry lemonades I had to drink earlier.) Dad, being the annoying man he is, said that he wasn't going to stop, but alas, pulled in to a McDonald's. As I was running back out to the car, dad began to pull out of the parking spot, and I noticed a huge spot of fresh car gunk/liquid where the car had just been. "Uh, I sure hope that's not coming out of our car!" I told Dad. "Doesn't look like oil." Dad replied. " Hmm , you think it's transmission fluid?" I questioned. Dad got out, looked under the car, and sure en...

...often go awry! Now, spiritually I would say to that...."Yes, our plans often go awry, but God's plan is always perfect." And I know in my heart that is completely, correct. However my flesh says, "sometimes my plan seems really good, and it would be great if God would go with it. Or at least give a girl a head's up!" Here's the deal. MY plans were to apply for this teacher fellowship that would pay for my grad school tuition. I would take a class each semester and then load up in the summer. I would be done in 3 years and also be done with the sign-on commitment to teach in MS for 3 years. I would be free to do and go wherever with my educational counseling masters after that! Of course everyone assured me I would be a shoe-in! Well it seems that the deadline is here to announce the fellows for the upcoming school year, and I haven't heard jack. Now, this could possibly be that my nice state congressmen have yet to approve the budget fo...

...the rest of my life to go! I'm patting myself and God on the back for a job well done. I've made it a week on my diet, and I've endured some hard decisions but made it out alive thanks to the good Lord's guidance. I had a very important conversation with "The Ex" that should keep things going well. He admitted that due to circumstances he isn't interested in a relationship, and I'm glad to hear that he's realized that. We both agreed that we wanted to stay connected and friends and that if in the future, if things changed, we would be upfront. Neither of us are looking to play around with each other's emotions; we are both to old for that. I was so relieved to hear him say that. I was on my guard because I knew with so much history it would be easy to fall back into something just because of emotions. However, I knew that wasn't what I really wanted. If I am ever to be with him, I want it to be because of who we are as people now...

I've never been on a diet. (Thank you mom, dad, and God for my high metabolism.) But I would assume that when on a diet, like an AA member, it would be good to confess the "slips" you almost have. It seems healthy to get it out there. So here's the real truth about the ex boyfriend. The Ex, as he will now be affectionately referred to, was the only guy I ever loved. Despite enough drama to make us the lead characters in a CW hit teenage show, I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. When it all ended, I spent the next 8 years convincing myself I was better off and becoming a total independent woman. Then one morning I woke up to a generic friend request email from Facebook . The Ex has added me as a friend! WHAT? I haven't spoken to him in 7 years? How did he find me? Why? We exchanged a few pleasantries and that was all. Even though at the onset I freaked, I was able to go back to life as normal. He didn't want anything b...

So Sunday my favorite visiting preacher was in town. I think Pastor let him take a look at my blog before he preached, but I'm glad he did. He told me exactly what I needed to hear; it was a great reminder that God is in control. He talked about when the disciples were on the boat in the middle of the storm. They freaked out and ran downstairs to wake Jesus up. Jesus got a little snippy with them after He calmed the storm and said, "Don't you guys have any faith? Why would you think this ship would sink if I was in it?" Just a few stories later, Jesus is with His disciples, and they have a picnic, feeding 5000 people with a little boy's lunch. Had the disciples not gone through the storm, had their faith not been tested, they may not have had enough faith to enjoy the picnic. I suppose it really hit home when the preacher said, "If Jesus is living in your heart, you can't drown. You'll never go under." Hmm ...sounds exactly like my fear from my ...

"Why are you talking about me to other people?" "How do you know it was about you?" "If it wasn't about me, then why would that person have told me?" " Ok , so if you think it is about you, then maybe I told them because you aren't talking to me." "I'm not not talking to you. I'm talking to you. I'm just maybe not talking to you as in depth as usual. I've been busy." "Busy or avoiding?" "Maybe both." "Why is that?" " Cuz last time I talked to you, you didn't have anything to say back. So I decided I was just gonna go about my business until you decided to talk." "Well I'm talking now, or at least you seem to think I'm talking now." "I just wish you could tell me these things. Why do I always have to hear it from someone else? Makes me look dumb." "Just makes it look like you aren't listening to me." " Buh ! Fine! You win. ...

I often pray things, and I know that God hears me.  However I'm not always sure He's listening.  I guess I just figure out of the 6 billion + people in the world, my requests aren't as important as starving people in Asia or displaced citizens of Darfur . Thankfully, God is listening, and my requests are important to him, even if I forget that sometimes.  What's also great is that He reminds me that He's working on things.  For example.... I firmly believe there is reason why I come in contact with every person that I meet.  I don't always know the reason, but each person is somehow significant in the development of my life. I often believe that there may not be any other reason for contact other than to share God with that person.  So as with Mr. Amazing, I've been certain that God has a reason for him walking into my life and showing back up all the time.  Therefore,  I pray for him weekly, sometimes daily, that God would do a work in his life.  I pray tha...

It seems like a lifetime ago when church drama was ruling my life, and yet it seems like only yesterday we gave birth to Grace Fellowship.  Regardless what it feels like, in less than 2 years we have moved into our new church building and had Easter Service right there in between the sheet rocked walls! Things have definitely not been easy.  There has been heartaches, tears, frustration, and doubts. But they seem so minor compared to the joys, happiness, love, and deep down change that has occurred in my church families' lives.   For those of you who don't know, we were able to purchase an old furniture store that was going out of business.  (A huge 100' x 100' metal building, or something like that!)  In about a month, we ripped up carpet, tore down walls, put up rafters, and sheet rocked the inside of our sanctuary.  This morning we had over 100 people gathered to celebrate the resurrection of Christ and the birth of our salvation.   Despite the fact that I've...

Well I'm no closer in making a decision about whether to invest or not.  I'm stuck between 2 ideas. 1.  I should give it up and guard my heart.  There is no sense in pouring out emotions, time, and energy on something that is obviously not working out or giving me what I need. 2.  I need to learn to trust God and others with my heart, and God is using this whole situation as a test of my faith in Him. See I have this huge tendency to expect the worst.  My idea is that if I expect the worst,  I won't be disappointed when it doesn't work out.  Not exactly the best faith exercise. I've done that since day one with Mr. Amazing.  I've anticipatied him screwing up, breaking my heart, or blowing me off.  E very time I feel myself getting a bit too close, I freak out and back off.  I've deleted his number from my cell 2 different times but eventually added him back. I honestly thought I could handle it.  I thought I could do this whole occasional "friend"...