Originally Unoriginal

So the other day I simply prayed "God, if you aren't going to restore this relationship, help me move on.  I'm ready to be through with this."  A few hours later I had an email from him saying "I'm moving on.  If you want to discuss this, we can, but after that I can't speak to you anymore.  I need to make some decisions with a clear conscious."  And that was it.  Couldn't get more final than that!  Maybe if the email had come a few days or a week later.  But no, there was no mistaking this answer from God.  "You asked for it...poof!"  And there it was...the answer to what I had been praying for since September.  I'm not sure what made me pray that prayer that way on that day.  I'm not sure what made God answer the prayer with an email that quickly.  But whatever the reason, there was no denying that it was God. And of course, it wasn't the answer I wanted.  It was infuriating.  Why now God?  Why answer ...

Well I'm no closer in making a decision about whether to invest or not.  I'm stuck between 2 ideas. 1.  I should give it up and guard my heart.  There is no sense in pouring out emotions, time, and energy on something that is obviously not working out or giving me what I need. 2.  I need to learn to trust God and others with my heart, and God is using this whole situation as a test of my faith in Him. See I have this huge tendency to expect the worst.  My idea is that if I expect the worst,  I won't be disappointed when it doesn't work out.  Not exactly the best faith exercise. I've done that since day one with Mr. Amazing.  I've anticipatied him screwing up, breaking my heart, or blowing me off.  E very time I feel myself getting a bit too close, I freak out and back off.  I've deleted his number from my cell 2 different times but eventually added him back. I honestly thought I could handle it.  I thought I could do this whole occasional "friend"...

Ignorance is bliss.   I'm not exactly sure who first coined the phrase, most likely the poet Thomas Grey .  But I'm finding that it's a pretty accurate statement, at least lately.   The less one knows, the less one stresses, the less worry, the less is required of her.  Sometimes I wish I didn't know all the things I know.  Sometimes I wish I didn't hear the rumors that I hear.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't privy to all the information about people that I know. When you know things, you have to react.  At least I do.  I'm not one who sits by idly.  As hard as I wished I could at times, I can't.  Then when I can't change things, I get frustrated.  Life would be so much easier, if I could just tend to me and no one else.  I know that isn't how things work, and I know that no man is an island, but I think things would be a lot smoother. I wished I didn't care sometimes.  I wish I could just turn my emotions off and not feel.  Sometimes feeling is j...

I'm broke.  Really, really broke.  Like I only have $7.00 left of October's paycheck.  Yep, I've already paid bills and have just a little more than a dollar a week to last me to November.  Then in November I have to pay my car insurance.  I don't have any money to pay the car insurance. Thank God I have my parents who can loan me the money until I can come up with it.  I need a part-time job.  I need a couple of more hours a day in which to have this part-time job.  I've got to do something... As if being poor wasn't enough worry, I'm beginning to think I'll never see Mr. Amazing again.  He's swamped with school and I'm swamped with all the things I do.  The weekends I have free, he has to study.  The weeks he has free, I have school stuff or weddings or whatever.  :(  Plus neither of us have a lot of money in which to travel with and spend on dates.  Text messages and phone calls are just not enough at times. So I'm money-less and boy-less ...

It's been a very emotional week for me to say the least. Some things you just don't let out on to the blogosphere . This would be one of those times. Sorry. But you know that I have to at least beat around the bush to get it out of my system. I'm dealing with some issues, that I suppose I've kept suppressed for so long, I didn't even know they were issues until this week. But I'm a firm believer that you can deal with things now, or you can deal with them later. Regardless, you will have to deal with them. I'm choosing now. I've also realized that there are some things that just aren't going to happen. It doesn't matter how bad you want them to happen, and it doesn't matter how right you think it is. When you are operating on God's plan, your thoughts and opinions don't always amount to much. I threw in the towel this week, and even though I want to go pick it up so badly, I know it's not worth it. So, I'm starting o...

I'm so angry that I can't even clearly communicate or think or do anything. I know that if I say things right now, I'll probably regret them. Yet at the same time, I feel like if I don't say something I'll explode. I mean, where did that come from? Why did you say that? That's not right. It can't be right. If it is right, then I quit. I mean, crap, what do you want from me? This makes no sense. Where am I ? The same place you left me. Where in the world are you ! If you don't know, then how should I? I'm all by myself here, and silly me for thinking you were the only one that cared enough to stick around. If anyone is suppose to know how I feel it should be you. And then you throw this in my face as if I haven't been trying. I've been trying. I spend everyday trying. My whole freaking life has been nothing but trying. Why am I not good enough? Why can't I do anything remotely close to pleasing you? Seriously, is this wha...

I can't fight this feeling anymore. I've forgotten what I started fighting for.... I just don't see the use in fighting anymore. Why should I even be fighting about this. This is definitely not suppose to be an issue. This should be over. It really never should have begun. Confused yet? So am I! There is a situation that is annoying the crap out of me. So I'm praying diligently that God will get me out of it! I just don't know if the situation can ever be rectified, and fighting isn't helping.

...for not posting as often as usual. I've been in a pretty foul mood lately, and I don't want to fill the blogosphere with negativity. I'm normally a happy person, and even when I'm in a bad mood, like the present, I can still laugh and have a good time. Unfortunately, when I sit down to write, I don't have anything good to say. ............................

...Can things just get any better?? Seriously, if it's not one thing, it is 10 others. I really, really need a long vacation. Spring break can not come quick enough. Problem is I can't get far away enough. I'm seriously thinking about just moving away and starting all over. It would make things so much easier. I could just live a life uninvolved with the drama that seems to plague my life. BUH !