Helplessness
I'm experiencing one of the most helpless feelings in the world. I am watching my grandmother (aka Nanna) die, and there is nothing that can be done to save her.
I haven't told a soul this, but it's much easier to write it than to actually say it. God told me that I was fixing to lose Nanna. A few months ago, I had a really strong urge to take a picture with Nanna. She's been having bad days for a while now, and she would only get dressed up every now and then. So I felt impressed to take a picture with her on one of her good days. I had a weird feeling that there wouldn't be much time left for us to be together. Now I realize that God was preparing me to lose her. I never took the picture.....
Her memory had been getting worse. She would have spells ever so often when she would "zone out" but she would come to soon after. She's been in pain for years because of athritist and osteoporsis. She's smoked since she was a young teen, so she's been on and off of oxygen for a while too. But about 3 weeks ago she completely plunged into helplessness. The doctors aren't real helpful. We know she had a bladder infection that went into her blood stream, and she may have suffered a small stroke. Now her mind is almost completely gone, she has no control over her bodily functions, and she won't eat a thing. The doctor placed her back in the hospital yesterday, saying if she didn't get an IV, she'd die in less than 2 weeks.
Well now she's back in the hospital, and she's not doing any better. Even if she gets better with the IV, when she gets home, she won't eat. She'll still need 24 hour care which is extremely hard on my mother. Then she'll get so weak again that they'll have to put an IV in her again. The IV won't work much longer because her blood vessels are so frail. They've thrown the idea of a feeding tube out to us. Then she'd just be a vegatable almost, and we dont' want her to live like that.
So here I sit, while my nanna dies. She's become so weak she can hardly move. I feel guilty because I've prayed that she would die. It's been so hard on my mom having to take care of her, plus I don't want Nanna to suffer anymore. On the other hand, I don't want to lose her. She's the only blood grandparent I have left. I was always extremely close to her. I was her only grandaughter.
I know my entries have been a bit depressing lately, but life happens that way at times. Please keep my family in your prayers. Pray that God's will be done concerning my Nanna. Pray that He will give us strength to make the upcoming decisions.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
I haven't told a soul this, but it's much easier to write it than to actually say it. God told me that I was fixing to lose Nanna. A few months ago, I had a really strong urge to take a picture with Nanna. She's been having bad days for a while now, and she would only get dressed up every now and then. So I felt impressed to take a picture with her on one of her good days. I had a weird feeling that there wouldn't be much time left for us to be together. Now I realize that God was preparing me to lose her. I never took the picture.....
Her memory had been getting worse. She would have spells ever so often when she would "zone out" but she would come to soon after. She's been in pain for years because of athritist and osteoporsis. She's smoked since she was a young teen, so she's been on and off of oxygen for a while too. But about 3 weeks ago she completely plunged into helplessness. The doctors aren't real helpful. We know she had a bladder infection that went into her blood stream, and she may have suffered a small stroke. Now her mind is almost completely gone, she has no control over her bodily functions, and she won't eat a thing. The doctor placed her back in the hospital yesterday, saying if she didn't get an IV, she'd die in less than 2 weeks.
Well now she's back in the hospital, and she's not doing any better. Even if she gets better with the IV, when she gets home, she won't eat. She'll still need 24 hour care which is extremely hard on my mother. Then she'll get so weak again that they'll have to put an IV in her again. The IV won't work much longer because her blood vessels are so frail. They've thrown the idea of a feeding tube out to us. Then she'd just be a vegatable almost, and we dont' want her to live like that.
So here I sit, while my nanna dies. She's become so weak she can hardly move. I feel guilty because I've prayed that she would die. It's been so hard on my mom having to take care of her, plus I don't want Nanna to suffer anymore. On the other hand, I don't want to lose her. She's the only blood grandparent I have left. I was always extremely close to her. I was her only grandaughter.
I know my entries have been a bit depressing lately, but life happens that way at times. Please keep my family in your prayers. Pray that God's will be done concerning my Nanna. Pray that He will give us strength to make the upcoming decisions.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil. For thou art with me. Thy rod and thy staff, they comfort me.
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