What Hurts the Most
I've got that churning deep in my stomach...I need to vomit. No, it's not the Mexican food I ate last night; it's the news I just received about an old ex-boyfriend.
Let's start from the beginning. When I was 16-17 years old, I dated a guy, Mooch. Even though I was young, I can say that I did honestly love Mooch. Unfortunately, Mooch broke my heart into tiny, tiny pieces. It took me an extremely long time to recover from the heartbreak, and even today a dull ache still lingers.
There isn't a month that goes by that I'm not reminded of him in some way. Lately, there hasn't been a day. An extremely good friend who was there during my relationship with Mooch had a dream about him. Mooch had told me a year or two ago that he was getting married. In my friend's dream, Mooch was getting a divorce and had come back to see me. We all kind of laughed about it, and then someone asked me what I would do if that happened. I got quiet, looked down, and then sadly spoke, "I'd take him back in a heartbeat."
A few days later, I had a dream that I went to Mooch's family's church. In the dream I didn't get to see Mooch because he wasn't there, but I did leave him a message to call me. When I woke up the next morning, I was a little bummed. I really wanted to talk to him.
Now, I'm no homewrecker. Even if I do still love Mooch, I would never cause a divorce. However, I would like to get some closure. So I popped on every pentecostals friend, everyonesconnected. After a random search for this guy, I came upon a girl that sounded familiar. She was married to mooch's cousin if I recalled correctly. I messaged her, asked her if she was indeed related to him and told her to say hello to everyone. She responded that she was who I thought she was and that Mooch would be getting married in 2 weeks.
What?? Mooch himself had told me a year or two ago that he was married. Had he lied to me? He had even called me a few weeks before the wedding a few years back. He told me he would soon be getting married. He even offered me an invitation to the ceremony. I wanted to tell him how I felt back then, but I didn't want to stop a wedding. Was that my chance and I blew it? Was he offering me a way back into his life? Was he just testing me?
It's been a very long time since we dated. I'm not the same person I was then, so I know that Mooch is not the same person he was either. I realize that I'm in love with someone that probably doesn't exist anymore. It doesn't stop the feelings from being there though. It doesn't make the dull ache in my heart heal. It doesn't stop that gnawing in the pit of my stomach.
What hurts the most, was being so close. Having so much to say, and watching you walk away. Never knowing what could have been. And not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do.
Let's start from the beginning. When I was 16-17 years old, I dated a guy, Mooch. Even though I was young, I can say that I did honestly love Mooch. Unfortunately, Mooch broke my heart into tiny, tiny pieces. It took me an extremely long time to recover from the heartbreak, and even today a dull ache still lingers.
There isn't a month that goes by that I'm not reminded of him in some way. Lately, there hasn't been a day. An extremely good friend who was there during my relationship with Mooch had a dream about him. Mooch had told me a year or two ago that he was getting married. In my friend's dream, Mooch was getting a divorce and had come back to see me. We all kind of laughed about it, and then someone asked me what I would do if that happened. I got quiet, looked down, and then sadly spoke, "I'd take him back in a heartbeat."
A few days later, I had a dream that I went to Mooch's family's church. In the dream I didn't get to see Mooch because he wasn't there, but I did leave him a message to call me. When I woke up the next morning, I was a little bummed. I really wanted to talk to him.
Now, I'm no homewrecker. Even if I do still love Mooch, I would never cause a divorce. However, I would like to get some closure. So I popped on every pentecostals friend, everyonesconnected. After a random search for this guy, I came upon a girl that sounded familiar. She was married to mooch's cousin if I recalled correctly. I messaged her, asked her if she was indeed related to him and told her to say hello to everyone. She responded that she was who I thought she was and that Mooch would be getting married in 2 weeks.
What?? Mooch himself had told me a year or two ago that he was married. Had he lied to me? He had even called me a few weeks before the wedding a few years back. He told me he would soon be getting married. He even offered me an invitation to the ceremony. I wanted to tell him how I felt back then, but I didn't want to stop a wedding. Was that my chance and I blew it? Was he offering me a way back into his life? Was he just testing me?
It's been a very long time since we dated. I'm not the same person I was then, so I know that Mooch is not the same person he was either. I realize that I'm in love with someone that probably doesn't exist anymore. It doesn't stop the feelings from being there though. It doesn't make the dull ache in my heart heal. It doesn't stop that gnawing in the pit of my stomach.
What hurts the most, was being so close. Having so much to say, and watching you walk away. Never knowing what could have been. And not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do.
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