Ghosts of Boyfriends Past

Yes, there are more. Two Ex-boyfriends contacted me this week. That makes 4 guys I've dated or had some type of complicated relationship with who have contacted me in less than 2 weeks. I'm writing the screenplay as we we speak!

One guy was my first real boyfriend. It wasn't surprising that he messaged me because we talk every once in awhile. But the other ex, well, I haven't seen him or talked to him in over 7 years. He's the only guy I ever loved. I've made references to him in this blog before, but they were subtle, and you may not remember. He was the guy I dated my senior year in high school, the one that I thought I was going to run off and marry and live happily ever after with.

But things don't always happen like we plan. For whatever reasons, things happened directly opposite to what I had envisioned. I'm ok with it all now, and I know that God has a reason for it all. But I must admit that curiosity has latched hold of me, and I simply want to know "what does he want from me?" Why did he look me up again? Does he want forgiveness, sympathy, love, friendship, or was it simply just plain curiosity for him as well?

What I am forcing myself to remember is that the memories I have in my mind are just memories. We are both different people now, in completely different circumstances. Whatever happens from this moment is new. But I think how I feel can best be summed up in this song...

Brandon Heath's "I'm Not Who I Was"
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was

I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so

I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was

When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you

I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was

I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello

Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about

I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was

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