The Silent Treatment

Well I'm no closer in making a decision about whether to invest or not.  I'm stuck between 2 ideas.

1.  I should give it up and guard my heart.  There is no sense in pouring out emotions, time, and energy on something that is obviously not working out or giving me what I need.
2.  I need to learn to trust God and others with my heart, and God is using this whole situation as a test of my faith in Him.

See I have this huge tendency to expect the worst.  My idea is that if I expect the worst,  I won't be disappointed when it doesn't work out.  Not exactly the best faith exercise. I've done that since day one with Mr. Amazing.  I've anticipatied him screwing up, breaking my heart, or blowing me off.  Every time I feel myself getting a bit too close, I freak out and back off.  I've deleted his number from my cell 2 different times but eventually added him back.

I honestly thought I could handle it.  I thought I could do this whole occasional "friend" thing, and I even fooled myself into believing it for a little while.  But that's not me and that's not what I'm looking for.  I want a relationship with someone who wants a real relationship with me.  Not someone who wants me when they aren't busy with school.  However, it's possible that right now is not the right time for me no matter the guy.  If things go as planed, I'll be teaching and working on my masters in the fall.  When will I have a time for a boyfriend?  So maybe in a few months, this "occasional friend" thing will be the perfect situation.

I've begged God on numerous occasions to make Mr. Amazing go away, but he always pops back up.  Now is that a God thing or a life thing?  That I don't know.  The fact that God is silent on the matter kind of aggravates me.  I've done a bit of screaming, pleading, and crying with God that I would get a definite answer about something.  Still nothing.  So I'm guessing He's just saying "wait it out" and obviously, there isn't much more I can do.  Mr. Amazing ain't budging and neither is God and no one else has walked into my life.  So if no one else is gonna make a sound, neither am I.

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