A Lie

Lying to yourself is less painful than having someone else lie to you. And so we lie because it’s easier that way. And after a while you believe the lie, and you forget you were ever lying in the first place. And because you’ve lived it so long, and with such passion, everyone believes it is the truth. And possibly, the lie has become the truth.

Having no heart is less painful than having a broken heart. It’s much easier to not deal with it at all then risk the chance of things getting shattered and bruised. And so you build a wall or disengage it, or do whatever is necessary to make it not function. And again, people see this as the real you. The machine that is invincible, resilient. But you know the truth…and so you lie to yourself until you believe it is the truth.

And you live your life, never quite certain what is really the truth and what is really the lie. And because you can’t believe yourself, you don’t believe others either. You analyze their words and actions because, perhaps, they are just as untruthful as you are. Perhaps they too have blurred the lines between what is real and what isn’t so much that they too cannot be trusted.

But the toughest part is that no matter how much you lie to yourself, no matter how much you try not to care, tiny pieces of you slip out and pain comes. And you long for the day that you can quit the act. You anticipate a time when you can decipher the fake from the reality. You hope for the moment when you can face the pain and not hide from it. You dream of a person who will look at you, see what you are, and still find you beautiful and worth saving.

Or maybe that’s all a lie, or perhaps that’s just what you tell yourself…

Comments

Randall said…
Kim, I think this is a struggle that a lot of people go through. It takes some of us longer than others to finally have that breakthrough because we analyze every detail. Yes there is pain and the transition is very confusing (especially when those you are closest to think that the fake you is the real you) but the rewards of being true to yourself and giving everything you have to the moment will pay off with peace of mind and contentment.

At one time in my life I felt like I owed others the character that I had created and because I didn't want to cause any discomfort in others I played along until I was so lost in my character that no one knew the real me.
9:21 AM
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