The Hurt and The Healer...Collide!
So the other day I simply prayed "God, if you aren't going to restore this relationship, help me move on. I'm ready to be through with this." A few hours later I had an email from him saying "I'm moving on. If you want to discuss this, we can, but after that I can't speak to you anymore. I need to make some decisions with a clear conscious."
And that was it. Couldn't get more final than that! Maybe if the email had come a few days or a week later. But no, there was no mistaking this answer from God. "You asked for it...poof!" And there it was...the answer to what I had been praying for since September. I'm not sure what made me pray that prayer that way on that day. I'm not sure what made God answer the prayer with an email that quickly. But whatever the reason, there was no denying that it was God.
And of course, it wasn't the answer I wanted. It was infuriating. Why now God? Why answer this prayer now? Why didn't you make it this final 6 months ago? Why can't you restore it? I've spent this much time hanging on to certain things for it to end like this? What am I suppose to do now? If it's not him, will it ever be anyone? Why are you saying no?
And over the past week I have continually struggled with intense emotions of anger. I can't recall ever having such fits of rage...wanting to break things and scream, yet not having any one to throw things or scream at. And I've felt a lot of fear. Fear that God will never have a yes answer for me. A fear that God will always be telling me no. And I go from wanting to throw things and scream, to wanting to crawl into bed and never get up. And I've prayed that all the pain will just end, that I could just wake up in heaven and be done with life.
No, it's not cancer or some other terminal illness. It's not the loss of a parent or a child. It's not the end of the world...but it was an end to my world, my life, my hopes. And it's my pain. And it's real.
So , this morning at church I sang the song "The Hurt and The Healer" by MercyMe. And finally I broke as I sang the second verse..."Breathe, sometimes I feel it's all that I can do, pain so deep that I can hardly move..." The past week, the past few months...I have been there. Just breathing, trying to make it through the day, plastering a smile on my face and pretending that I feel as happy as I let on.
I haven't felt the Healer has done much healing...but this morning, as I sobbed and croaked my way through the song, it all began to collide. It wasn't instantaneous, complete healing, but I felt a bit of a release from the anger and fear.
I know there will be days of frustration. I know that I will always battle certain insecurities as long as I'm in a human body. But I feel like, I pray that, this whole ordeal will be one of those monumental turning points in my life, where I will look back and know that God was orchestrating the whole thing...and I'll be able to share when God collided with my hurt.
And that was it. Couldn't get more final than that! Maybe if the email had come a few days or a week later. But no, there was no mistaking this answer from God. "You asked for it...poof!" And there it was...the answer to what I had been praying for since September. I'm not sure what made me pray that prayer that way on that day. I'm not sure what made God answer the prayer with an email that quickly. But whatever the reason, there was no denying that it was God.
And of course, it wasn't the answer I wanted. It was infuriating. Why now God? Why answer this prayer now? Why didn't you make it this final 6 months ago? Why can't you restore it? I've spent this much time hanging on to certain things for it to end like this? What am I suppose to do now? If it's not him, will it ever be anyone? Why are you saying no?
And over the past week I have continually struggled with intense emotions of anger. I can't recall ever having such fits of rage...wanting to break things and scream, yet not having any one to throw things or scream at. And I've felt a lot of fear. Fear that God will never have a yes answer for me. A fear that God will always be telling me no. And I go from wanting to throw things and scream, to wanting to crawl into bed and never get up. And I've prayed that all the pain will just end, that I could just wake up in heaven and be done with life.
No, it's not cancer or some other terminal illness. It's not the loss of a parent or a child. It's not the end of the world...but it was an end to my world, my life, my hopes. And it's my pain. And it's real.
So , this morning at church I sang the song "The Hurt and The Healer" by MercyMe. And finally I broke as I sang the second verse..."Breathe, sometimes I feel it's all that I can do, pain so deep that I can hardly move..." The past week, the past few months...I have been there. Just breathing, trying to make it through the day, plastering a smile on my face and pretending that I feel as happy as I let on.
I haven't felt the Healer has done much healing...but this morning, as I sobbed and croaked my way through the song, it all began to collide. It wasn't instantaneous, complete healing, but I felt a bit of a release from the anger and fear.
I know there will be days of frustration. I know that I will always battle certain insecurities as long as I'm in a human body. But I feel like, I pray that, this whole ordeal will be one of those monumental turning points in my life, where I will look back and know that God was orchestrating the whole thing...and I'll be able to share when God collided with my hurt.
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