A Cold, Dark Road

The past 7-8 months have been some of the worst times in my life. I know that some of the greatest things happened to me during this time, including graduating from college, but even those memories are marred by all the bad that took place.

To those who have asked, "Are you ok?" I've simply replied that I'm just going down a "dark road." Most everyone around me knows of certain circumstances that have hindered me. I don't wear frustration and anger well. However, I try to cover sadness and loneliness as best as possible.

Only a few times during my "dark road" have I broken down, and these times have only been in front of God. I've screamed at him for answers, clarification, justification....All to no avail. Yes I've cried, even spoke in tongues, but when it's all over I still feel as if my prayers were thrown out of heaven and right back at my feet.

There is a poem most know by Robert Frost where he says, "I took the road less traveled by and that has made all the difference." I know I'm on that road, yet I didn't choose it, I was forced down it. Here I am in the middle of the journey, no landmark in sight, wondering why I'm here or even how I got here. It's so dark that I can't see anything, not even my next step let alone a way out. As a Christian, I know there is a reason and a lesson I must learn, yet it's been this long and I still haven't discovered them.

In conversations with others, things have been mentioned about my leadership and my ministry. I know that God has something greater out there for me and this is the time that I can be working on it and fine-tuning it, but I don't even seem like I can. It's as if the real world is so far away from me. It's as if everything I put my hands to falls apart or is ripped away. I have no outlet in which to throw my efforts.

A very wise man said to me recently, "It must be very frustrating to be you." I simply chuckled and replied, "You have no idea." He hit it on the head when he looked at me and said, "You are a leader and yet you struggle to find your place to lead." I told a friend just yesterday, "I'll do whatever it is God wants me to do, if he'll just tell what it is." I feel as I'm as willing as I can be, yet I sit not reaching my full potential, and feeling tired and discouraged.

A good friend of mine posted a song on her blog entitled "Welcome to Delaware." I hope she realizes how much I needed to hear these words...

"But I headed to where it seemed like nowhere...
And it's a lot colder here than what you're used to,
And I know, that in the winter time,
things aren't what they used to be..."

Now, I'm just waiting for God to show up here on my dark road and show me what I need to know.

Comments

snb-the glamourista said…
you arent alone...ive been in same spot lots of times. rest assured he is hearing you prayers. i know its frustrating when he doesnt answer the way you want (ie telling you whats next). but all roads lead somewhere..you wont be on this dark road forever.
11:36 AM
Paperson said…
I don't believe you are on a dark road. More like a "Dusty Road". Just hang on.
4:53 PM
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