Try to Connect the Dots of My Mind....
REMIX went great! We had about 25 young people there, including 8 new faces. Lives were touched; several kids prayed for quite a while. God really stepped in and blessed our efforts. I feel much more at ease now about everything. I honestly knew God's hand was in it. I guess I just needed his reassurance about the whole situation.
************
Last night I went to a Third Day concert! I had such a blast. The music was great; the lighting was phenomenal. I was the only girl on the trip --7 boys and me! Somehow it usually works that way. There were times I had to shout out "I'm still in the van!" But since I've been raised with all boys, it was nothing I haven't experienced before.
*************
I'm really exhausted of this phase in my life. It's so surreal at times. Tonight I was driving home and it hit me that I was a teacher, an adult, a tax-paying citizen. I'm by no means grown, but legally I can do whatever I want to do within reason, and no one can stop me. Sometimes it just shocks me that I'm where I'm at in life.
Sometimes I’m ok, but most of the time, I just feel like I'm still 18 and in college. I want to be like the rest of my peers living it up. But that's not me. I'm goal oriented, career minded, and responsible. But sometimes it's just tiring.
Almost all of my friends are married, and I'm the lonely tag-along. I have no present love interest (despite what my students may think) so I often feel a bit out of place. I know that everyone accepts me and doesn't care about my lack of a significant other. It doesn't hinder my relationship with them, but sometimes I wish things were different.
I was talking to my prayer partner, and we were discussing the problems with relationships. I told her that I would admit that I was a picky person when it came to who I was with. However, I would gladly accept whoever God had for me if I knew it was the one God had for me. I don't want to waste my time in a relationship to find out months, a year down the road that we're not meant to be. All the energy, time, money and emotions wasted. Of course you may learn something from being in the relationship, but was it worth it? Couldn't you have learned that lesson from someone else?
It's as if I want to go into a relationship saying, "Look, I have no idea if this will ever go anywhere. I don't want you to get attached to me, and I have to break your heart. I don't want to get too attached to you either incase you break my heart, or I have to break both of our hearts. So let's just date, not get attached, and see where this goes." It's not that I'm afraid of commitment, I'm afraid of committing to the wrong one? I don't want to settle for less than God's best, but I don't want to miss out on His best thinking there is even better? Does that make sense??
I spent 14 hours at school today. I got there at 7:30, but I had to work at the football game tonight, so I stayed there all afternoon grading papers and such until the game. I left the school at 9:30. I don't mind doing it; I got a lot accomplished. It's just the fact that I honestly had nothing else to do and no one to go home to. When I was with Kountry Boy, nothing serious happened. But there was this "moment" on the way home from eating supper. We were in the back of his parents’ car riding home and it was late and I was full. So I rested my head on his shoulder, and he put his arm around me so I wouldn't slide all over the place. It was just nice. Not sexual-nice, not I want to marry this guy-nice....just nice.
I suppose I just felt safe. Everyday at school I get told how pretty I am from my hormonal students. I even get hit on by the coaches. It's not mean, and I get a good laugh out of it. But it's just all pure hormones and sex. There isn't any depth to it. The "moment" with Kountry Boy wasn't that. It wasn't sexual or hormonal. It was sweet, nice, caring. So with all of that said, I think these are all good qualities in Kountry Boy. Then I'm reminded of all the things I don't like about him. And I'm back to square one again.
I want someone to take care of me. I want them to see past my hard exterior and protect me and love me, while still allowing me to be tough. I guess I need a guy who is going to tell me to shut up and let him handle things, as long as it’s said in love. Man, I’m so stinking screwed up!
It's all my Pastor's fault. He told me that I needed to become needier, and now I feel like....well, like a girl! I've always been independent and not too emotional. Now it's as if my emotions are all over the place. Does this stage of life ever end? Will I ever not be confused? Does it just get worse from here??
************
Last night I went to a Third Day concert! I had such a blast. The music was great; the lighting was phenomenal. I was the only girl on the trip --7 boys and me! Somehow it usually works that way. There were times I had to shout out "I'm still in the van!" But since I've been raised with all boys, it was nothing I haven't experienced before.
*************
I'm really exhausted of this phase in my life. It's so surreal at times. Tonight I was driving home and it hit me that I was a teacher, an adult, a tax-paying citizen. I'm by no means grown, but legally I can do whatever I want to do within reason, and no one can stop me. Sometimes it just shocks me that I'm where I'm at in life.
Sometimes I’m ok, but most of the time, I just feel like I'm still 18 and in college. I want to be like the rest of my peers living it up. But that's not me. I'm goal oriented, career minded, and responsible. But sometimes it's just tiring.
Almost all of my friends are married, and I'm the lonely tag-along. I have no present love interest (despite what my students may think) so I often feel a bit out of place. I know that everyone accepts me and doesn't care about my lack of a significant other. It doesn't hinder my relationship with them, but sometimes I wish things were different.
I was talking to my prayer partner, and we were discussing the problems with relationships. I told her that I would admit that I was a picky person when it came to who I was with. However, I would gladly accept whoever God had for me if I knew it was the one God had for me. I don't want to waste my time in a relationship to find out months, a year down the road that we're not meant to be. All the energy, time, money and emotions wasted. Of course you may learn something from being in the relationship, but was it worth it? Couldn't you have learned that lesson from someone else?
It's as if I want to go into a relationship saying, "Look, I have no idea if this will ever go anywhere. I don't want you to get attached to me, and I have to break your heart. I don't want to get too attached to you either incase you break my heart, or I have to break both of our hearts. So let's just date, not get attached, and see where this goes." It's not that I'm afraid of commitment, I'm afraid of committing to the wrong one? I don't want to settle for less than God's best, but I don't want to miss out on His best thinking there is even better? Does that make sense??
I spent 14 hours at school today. I got there at 7:30, but I had to work at the football game tonight, so I stayed there all afternoon grading papers and such until the game. I left the school at 9:30. I don't mind doing it; I got a lot accomplished. It's just the fact that I honestly had nothing else to do and no one to go home to. When I was with Kountry Boy, nothing serious happened. But there was this "moment" on the way home from eating supper. We were in the back of his parents’ car riding home and it was late and I was full. So I rested my head on his shoulder, and he put his arm around me so I wouldn't slide all over the place. It was just nice. Not sexual-nice, not I want to marry this guy-nice....just nice.
I suppose I just felt safe. Everyday at school I get told how pretty I am from my hormonal students. I even get hit on by the coaches. It's not mean, and I get a good laugh out of it. But it's just all pure hormones and sex. There isn't any depth to it. The "moment" with Kountry Boy wasn't that. It wasn't sexual or hormonal. It was sweet, nice, caring. So with all of that said, I think these are all good qualities in Kountry Boy. Then I'm reminded of all the things I don't like about him. And I'm back to square one again.
I want someone to take care of me. I want them to see past my hard exterior and protect me and love me, while still allowing me to be tough. I guess I need a guy who is going to tell me to shut up and let him handle things, as long as it’s said in love. Man, I’m so stinking screwed up!
It's all my Pastor's fault. He told me that I needed to become needier, and now I feel like....well, like a girl! I've always been independent and not too emotional. Now it's as if my emotions are all over the place. Does this stage of life ever end? Will I ever not be confused? Does it just get worse from here??
Comments
I don't think it's a matter of being "screwed up." I think it's just a matter of being in the stage of life that you're (we're) in. And in that stage of life, there's a lot of uncertainty. So, I'm totally feelin you.
The last time I had anything close to being called a love life or whatever was like a year ago, and ex has since moved on, and sometimes I look around and wonder if I'm just this gigantic weirdo.
But something deep down inside tells me that I'm not, and amidst all the shouting from all the voices in my head (okay, not THOSE kinds of voices! lol), there is a still small voice trying to remind me to let Him handle it. :-)