Forgiving God

I've done a lot of forgiving in my life.  I've forgiven others, forgiven people who didn't even know they needed forgiving.  I've even forgiven myself on occasion.  Never once did I think I may need to tell God I forgive Him.  That probably seems sacrilegious to most.  But nonetheless, I did.

With my past breakup I teetered on the edge of anger with God.  Not anger as in "I'll never serve You again." Anger as in, "I trusted You that things would be better, that I wouldn't get hurt again."  I felt as if God had let me down.  He allowed me to walk into a relationship that I and anyone else you would have asked thought was finally the right one.  And out of nowhere it ended.  And I was left looking heavenward and asking God, "How could You do this to me?"  I remember begging God, "Please, not again."  And yet His answers is "Yes, again."

Like I said, I'm sure no one else is cocky enough to question the almighty God, but I did.  I felt like I was in a repeat performance of a previous break up, and I couldn't understand why the sovereign power that was suppose to protect me was allowing me to endure yet another heartbreak.

But once I had wallowed in my misery for a little while, I realized it was time to forgive God.  I knew deep down His intentions were not to hurt me but to teach me and to lead me to something better.  And so I simply told God that I forgave him for not acting as I expected Him.  I forgave Him for allowing hurt to come to my life.  I forgave Him for knowing what was best and yet not revealing to me the reasons why. 

But in that forgiveness I also accepted His forgiveness.  His forgiveness for questioning Him and doubting His love and sovereignty in my life.  I accepted His forgiveness for allowing my selfishness to see only my despair and not the possibilities to come.

I still question why, just about every other day.  I'm still confused, and I've yet to see a reasoning for any of it. However I don't blame God.  I don't blame anyone.  It's just life, just the journey that molds me and forms my personality. It's not easy; it's certainly not without its heartaches. But it is what it is. Accepting it is the only way to live peacefully.