Originally Unoriginal

There is a biological clock that ticks.  Sometimes it's so faint, I don't even hear it.  Other times, its tick-tock is more like a sonic boom in my ears, reminding me that my "best years" are quickly slipping by. There have been times where I thought the clock's ticking was meaningless because my life was headed in the right direction.  The good guy in my life would lead to a proposal, house, family...to taking my rightful place in society.  Or, I was applying for jobs in big cities where I could live the single life seen in the movies...just fun and friends! With the guys never seeming to pan out, I figured it was time to spread my wings and fly.  To become Miss Independent, far away from the small country life I have lived for so long.  And many, many people encouraged it.  There is no future here in Greenville, no real single friends my age, no possibilities for someone like me.  Then there were those that questioned, what are you going to ...

I've done a lot of forgiving in my life.  I've forgiven others, forgiven people who didn't even know they needed forgiving.  I've even forgiven myself on occasion.  Never once did I think I may need to tell God I forgive Him.  That probably seems sacrilegious to most.  But nonetheless, I did. With my past breakup I teetered on the edge of anger with God.  Not anger as in "I'll never serve You again." Anger as in, "I trusted You that things would be better, that I wouldn't get hurt again."  I felt as if God had let me down.  He allowed me to walk into a relationship that I and anyone else you would have asked thought was finally the right one.  And out of nowhere it ended.  And I was left looking heavenward and asking God, "How could You do this to me?"  I remember begging God, "Please, not again."  And yet His answers is "Yes, again." Like I said, I'm sure no one else is cocky enough to question the almi...

I've learned that one way or another, you will have to face some issues in your life.  There are insecurities, flaws, imperfections that we all have.  We are aware of them.  But they aren't always present, and we can hide them so deep that during the good times, you forget about them completely.  But as soon as the trouble comes, the pesky problems rear their ugly heads.  Sometimes you have enough strength to push them back down into their hiding place and act as if nothing happened.  Sometimes, you just don't have the strength to hide it anymore. And so eventually, like it or not, you have to face the demons.  I had to face some insecurities about myself.  But the only way I knew to handle it was to take it to the Lord.  My strength was gone, but thankfully, in my weakness, He is strong!  I sat down and had a heart to heart.  Then I said...ok God, here are these insecurities....get 'em good! As I prayed, I began to ask God "Why...

I figured it was time to end it all. Even though the fire was out, I should just throw some more water on it. Kill off any remaining embers in case a random breeze would fuel them again. Was it coincidence that thought came to me almost simultaneously as your news came to you? While my dreams died, yours were born. Yet I've come to learn that the dreams of today are not always the dreams of tomorrow. And although mine may have ended for now, new ones will rise. Someone said something recently that I never thought about before. If you tell someone that you trust him to complete a task, yet you constantly pester him about getting the job done and ask how the task is coming, is it really trust? It seems like you are still trying to keep control and don't trust that the man is truly capable of completing the job without you. So while I feel like things are falling apart, I am trying to remember to truly trust. I'm not going to ask why a million times or ask when the job wi...

Jesus and I sat and had an intense conversation today. It was good to have the time to just sit down and enjoy talking with him without feeling rushed. Grad school and a full time job doesn't offer a ton of down time. But during our time together, he impressed upon me a scripture "Yet he slay me, yet will I trust Him." I know the verse; I know what it means, but for the first time, I let the weight of those words really sink in. I have a hard time with trust, and to apply this verse to my life, the real truth of this verse, is a bit overwhelming. When I pray this verse, I'm saying "God, even if all my hopes and ambitions and dreams are never fulfilled, even if I never get what I want, even if everything in my life falls apart, I will still trust that God has it under control." Do we really realize how heavy that is?? That's trust beyond my imagination. I know that God wants me to trust Him that much. And I'm learning. But something else I rea...

My pastor bought me a cute, abridged version of "He's Just Not That Into You" while he and his wife were on vacation. It took me perhaps 20 minutes to go through it. I laughed, I cringed, and I sadly nodded my head in agreement on several occasions. I read a few excepts out loud at lunch and my father said, "Why are you reading that? You already know all of it. You could write your own version." To which I had to reply, "I know that's what's sad. I know it, all women know it, and somebody made millions and even had it turned into a movie!" What is it about us that we can know it for everyone else, but when it comes to ourselves, we can't see it? But not to put all the blame on us, although girls should probably take most of the responsibility , why can't guys just say it? One excerpt read "A man would rather be trampled by elephants that are on fire than tell you he's just not that into you." Why can't they ju...

Tomorrow I will travel down a road I haven't been down in 4 months...literally.  I've wanted to go down it on several occasions.  Then for a little while, I wished the road would blow up offering no way to ever get to that point again.  But tomorrow, it will be the path for my journey. I'm very hesitant about traveling down this road.  The last time I traveled on it, I was excited.  I knew where I was going and positive about the future.  I had it pretty much figured out.  But then plans changed....or just flat out disappeared.  I've wondered if plans changed because it wasn't meant to be or if God was trying to make me trust Him instead of my plans. Now, I'm contemplating what the road will lead to this time.  Part of me hopes that nothing becomes of it because then I'll know it's all over and done with and possibly not experience anymore hurt.  But the other part of me desperately clings to the hope that, if even just for a few days, I find excitement...

To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again…even though every time you’ ve tried before, you’ ve lost.  It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away.  I think lovin...

I don't understand it.  And I know that I'm not meant to understand everything.  I know that I am incapable of seeing the big picture.  I'm desperately trying to trust you completely.  I want to believe, but please help my unbelief. I know that I don't deserve anything.  Everything I have, everything I am, is only because you are a gracious father who wishes to bestow good upon me.   Forgive me for being selfish and bratty.  I know that things could be worse and that there are many, many others who's plight is 100 times more devastating than anything I could imagine. It doesn't stop my heart from aching but it lessens the pain.   You ultimately are the only one I need, the only one that can make me better.  I stand in awe of Your grace and love.  I'm amazed by You. The only thing I have to offer You today are my tears and my life.  It's not much, especially compared to Your greatness, but I give it anyway.  But the most amazing thing is that You find my...

Here's the truth. Straight from my heart, and I may regret spilling it all out on the blogosphere tomorrow, but tonight it's driving me crazy. When it comes to relationships, good things don't happen to me. I have hilarious, one-of-a-kind stories about all the bad things that can happen. I can tell you of stalkers from every walk of life. I can tell you about Gerber daises and tulips being delivered from unwanted suitors. I can tell you about random conversations that would make you die from laughter. I can make you gag from the thought of certain guys throwing me a line. That's my life. For the past 6-7 years, my life has been unstable in the relationship category. The only thing I knew for a fact was there was no certainty. Each time I found myself possibly interested, it didn't work out. Sometimes I figured that out quickly, and other times it took me years of hanging on to much of nothing. I've come to accept it. I walked away from trying to f...

A friend of mine commented how much I've changed over the past year. He said besides the emotional peace I seem to have lately, there has been an outward change. He stated that I was taking time out for me, and it seemed to show. He's right. I have been having a ton of "me" time lately. Some of it has been fun: new clothes, new hair, new tan, even the new work-outs. But all the inward, emotional stuff has been down right difficult at times. It's not so easy to look at yourself and say, "You've got to change." It hurts to dig deep and expose light to the dark places of your soul. My recently discovered issue is that I don't trust myself, therefore, I don't trust others. As a result I keep my guard up with people as not to be disappointed when they don't live up to my expectations. My expectations of others are high because I expect too much out of myself. I'm hard on myself because I don't trust myself to just relax. I do...