Viewing God
I think I have a twisted view of God. But I'm not sure I can help it because it's the view I have of Him. And our view of others is due to experiences and perspectives, and how can you change those?
So the backstory....I've always been ok with Greenville. I mean, I love to travel, and I know this town is kind of a dump, but I've always been satisfied here. I've been content with being near my family, being involved in church, and having a good job. But over the past few years, especially this year, I have become distant from the town and the things that use to make me feel content. Now the thought of being here another year makes me want to curl up and cry. My job is frustrating, and the fulfillment I once had is quickly dying out.
I won't lie, a big part of all this frustration is my dating life. I've never had a lot of boyfriends, but I've always been so busy and had so many guy friends, that I was ok. But then the past 2 years I've dated two great guys that both felt I was the best girl in the world yet didn't want to spend the rest of their lives with me. And so I'm thinking, "Will I ever find anyone here?" And this aspect of my dating life, the fact that I'm 28 and not married with no potential while my High School students marry and have kids, is depressing.
So needless to say, I'm frustrated with my job, my lack of a dating life, and my town. And I'm ready for a change. I just feel like I'm to the point where I won't ever really be happy here. Which leads me to the twisted view I have of God. I'm so afraid that God won't let me go. That I won't get a job somewhere else, that I'll be left to live my life alone. I'm afraid that this is all God has for me.
Which leads me to next problem...I know that I'm suppose to be content in whatever state I find myself, but how is that possible? How can you feel content when you are miserable. How can you feel content when you are lonely? How can you feel content when you feel like your life is making no impact? How can you feel content when you can't quench the natural God given urges within you?
So why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like God doesn't want me to move somewhere else or get married when others do it all the time? I don't know what shaped this view of God, but most importantly I don't know how to change it. Because in my life, it's never happened. The good never lasts. The people I love leave me and move on, and I"m left here to deal.
I love God, and I know He has my best interest at heart...or at least that's what I say. I can look back over the past and see that God has saved me from bad situations but for once...I don't want there to be a bad situation to be saved from...I just want a good situation to fall into. I don't doubt that God will work great wonders, I just wonder how many of them will be in my life.
And I hate to seem so negative nancy. I know that I've been blessed beyond measure. I have a roof over my head, I have a family who loves me, and I know that God does love me and is my savior, although sometimes I mixed up about our relationship. I just don't know how to change this perception...
So the backstory....I've always been ok with Greenville. I mean, I love to travel, and I know this town is kind of a dump, but I've always been satisfied here. I've been content with being near my family, being involved in church, and having a good job. But over the past few years, especially this year, I have become distant from the town and the things that use to make me feel content. Now the thought of being here another year makes me want to curl up and cry. My job is frustrating, and the fulfillment I once had is quickly dying out.
I won't lie, a big part of all this frustration is my dating life. I've never had a lot of boyfriends, but I've always been so busy and had so many guy friends, that I was ok. But then the past 2 years I've dated two great guys that both felt I was the best girl in the world yet didn't want to spend the rest of their lives with me. And so I'm thinking, "Will I ever find anyone here?" And this aspect of my dating life, the fact that I'm 28 and not married with no potential while my High School students marry and have kids, is depressing.
So needless to say, I'm frustrated with my job, my lack of a dating life, and my town. And I'm ready for a change. I just feel like I'm to the point where I won't ever really be happy here. Which leads me to the twisted view I have of God. I'm so afraid that God won't let me go. That I won't get a job somewhere else, that I'll be left to live my life alone. I'm afraid that this is all God has for me.
Which leads me to next problem...I know that I'm suppose to be content in whatever state I find myself, but how is that possible? How can you feel content when you are miserable. How can you feel content when you are lonely? How can you feel content when you feel like your life is making no impact? How can you feel content when you can't quench the natural God given urges within you?
So why do I feel this way? Why do I feel like God doesn't want me to move somewhere else or get married when others do it all the time? I don't know what shaped this view of God, but most importantly I don't know how to change it. Because in my life, it's never happened. The good never lasts. The people I love leave me and move on, and I"m left here to deal.
I love God, and I know He has my best interest at heart...or at least that's what I say. I can look back over the past and see that God has saved me from bad situations but for once...I don't want there to be a bad situation to be saved from...I just want a good situation to fall into. I don't doubt that God will work great wonders, I just wonder how many of them will be in my life.
And I hate to seem so negative nancy. I know that I've been blessed beyond measure. I have a roof over my head, I have a family who loves me, and I know that God does love me and is my savior, although sometimes I mixed up about our relationship. I just don't know how to change this perception...
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