Diary of a Woman During PMS
I got to church tonight at 7 to practice for Praise and Worship. I sang and then I had to get the computer working for my pastor to use the powerpoint for his bible lesson. I was the only one there to work the computer. I don't ever mind doing it, but tonight it was just too much. The computer acts so dumb so times and you have to restart it to work. I couldn't deal with it if it broke. I set everything up and hoped it would make it through the sermon. I was about to break out in tears; I just couldn't deal with anything else tonight. So I got up and left.
I got in my car and cried. I drove home crying. I got home and took a shower, all the time crying. I finished making out a test for my 7th graders, fighting back tears. I'm sitting here blogging trying not to short circuit the laptop with my tears. I realize that this is mostly hormones and that in 5-7 days I should be just fine, but I'm so stressed out I can't stand to be in my own skin.
I'm a first year teacher and that entails a lot. I get to school at 7:15 - 7:30 everyday. I'm there until 4:15 on most days. I come home and I have to read my text book to prepare for the next day or make up a test or a worksheet. My day doesn't end when I pull out of Riverside High School. On top of that, I'm the Yearbook Sponsor. I've gone to all the away football games to get pictures and to support the team. I even volunteered last Friday to be the cheerleader sponsor because another teacher was out. That means I rode the bus 3 hours away to go to a football game. I got home Saturday morning at 2:30. I didn't have to do that, but I agreed because of the students. I'll admit, I had a good time, but I sure didn't get paid extra to do it.
Some of my 7th graders give me fits. The other day a girl cussed out a boy in my class, slammed my door, and basically told me she wasn't going to do what I told her. I wrote her up and sent her to the principal's office. She came back to my class with a note saying she would have a parent conference. She continued to threaten the other student; I had to have the vice-principal remove her from the hallway so my other student could leave class. The only thing that was done to her was a parent conference. About 3 days later she got into a fight with another girl; she was finally suspended. If something was done to her when I had a problem with her she wouldn't have been able to fight someone else.
All that being said, Administration is not doing their jobs. I have several students who have gotten into several fights/altercations with others and nothing has been done. So today when 2 of these girls continued to eat sunflower seeds in class after I had told them to put them away once, I wrote them up. My principal then tells me in front of everyone who happened to be in the office at the time that I shouldn't write kids up for "petty problems." It shows a lack of classroom management on my part. I was so upset. I handled the problem and the girls quit eating after I got onto them the second time. However it's as if whatever these girls do, they think they can get away with it. So I'm going to write them up for every little petty thing they do until some type of action is done. Thankfully one of the veteran teachers took up for me and said that we are going to sit down with the principal and figure something out because our present situation is not working.
On top of those problems, one of the coaches at school has admitted his "like" for me. Stupid me, I thought he was a married, flirtatious guy. I had no idea he was single. I mean, I was never overly flirtatious by any means, but I was "overly nice" a few times because I just saw it as a joke. Well dumb me for assuming anything. Now I've got this coach sending me letters about how beautiful I am and what an incredible personality I have. It's not enough that I get it from the students, now I have this coach, plus Sugar Daddy, and did I ever mention a 16 year old boy from my church who emails/texts/calls everyday. Plus everyone else thinks that me and this very nice looking single Coach (a different one) have a thing going. Unfortunately this is the stupid guy from last year. (The one that didn't walk me to the door.) Actually now, Stupid Guy isn't so bad. He's actually a pretty decent guy, but we're better off being friends obviously than anything else.
Anywaz, why can't I get a decent guy to like me? Why do I attract all the wrong kind. I mean, a guy got mad at me because he texted me asking me to hook up with him and I said no. He got mad at me! Please forgive me for not wanting to waste my saliva. What is up with these guys?? I just don't understand!
On top of all that is church. I love church and I love being apart. I'm just so stressed out. I certainly don't want to complain because I don't want people to think that I want to step down from my leadership roles. I'm just so overwhelmed with everything. And as stated before, I'll be alright in a few days, but right now I can't even comprehend my next step. I feel so inadequate, so ill prepared to work with young people both at school and at church. I'm so screwed up myself. I'm so broken, so flawed.
I'm doing leadership classes with my pastor; they're good and I'm learning a lot. However discovering your weaknesses is tough. Seeing yourself in true light and learning that what I thought was right isn't right at all, well it's extremely, emotionally taxing. I've prided myself on being strong and independent. Now I'm finding that it's one my biggest flaws. It's as if I've gone from confident to the most needy person in the world. I know exactly how Gideon felt when God called him a "mighty man of valor." What? Who? Me? No way!
So I'm here admitting that I'm not alright. I'm broken. I'm stressed. I need help!
I got in my car and cried. I drove home crying. I got home and took a shower, all the time crying. I finished making out a test for my 7th graders, fighting back tears. I'm sitting here blogging trying not to short circuit the laptop with my tears. I realize that this is mostly hormones and that in 5-7 days I should be just fine, but I'm so stressed out I can't stand to be in my own skin.
I'm a first year teacher and that entails a lot. I get to school at 7:15 - 7:30 everyday. I'm there until 4:15 on most days. I come home and I have to read my text book to prepare for the next day or make up a test or a worksheet. My day doesn't end when I pull out of Riverside High School. On top of that, I'm the Yearbook Sponsor. I've gone to all the away football games to get pictures and to support the team. I even volunteered last Friday to be the cheerleader sponsor because another teacher was out. That means I rode the bus 3 hours away to go to a football game. I got home Saturday morning at 2:30. I didn't have to do that, but I agreed because of the students. I'll admit, I had a good time, but I sure didn't get paid extra to do it.
Some of my 7th graders give me fits. The other day a girl cussed out a boy in my class, slammed my door, and basically told me she wasn't going to do what I told her. I wrote her up and sent her to the principal's office. She came back to my class with a note saying she would have a parent conference. She continued to threaten the other student; I had to have the vice-principal remove her from the hallway so my other student could leave class. The only thing that was done to her was a parent conference. About 3 days later she got into a fight with another girl; she was finally suspended. If something was done to her when I had a problem with her she wouldn't have been able to fight someone else.
All that being said, Administration is not doing their jobs. I have several students who have gotten into several fights/altercations with others and nothing has been done. So today when 2 of these girls continued to eat sunflower seeds in class after I had told them to put them away once, I wrote them up. My principal then tells me in front of everyone who happened to be in the office at the time that I shouldn't write kids up for "petty problems." It shows a lack of classroom management on my part. I was so upset. I handled the problem and the girls quit eating after I got onto them the second time. However it's as if whatever these girls do, they think they can get away with it. So I'm going to write them up for every little petty thing they do until some type of action is done. Thankfully one of the veteran teachers took up for me and said that we are going to sit down with the principal and figure something out because our present situation is not working.
On top of those problems, one of the coaches at school has admitted his "like" for me. Stupid me, I thought he was a married, flirtatious guy. I had no idea he was single. I mean, I was never overly flirtatious by any means, but I was "overly nice" a few times because I just saw it as a joke. Well dumb me for assuming anything. Now I've got this coach sending me letters about how beautiful I am and what an incredible personality I have. It's not enough that I get it from the students, now I have this coach, plus Sugar Daddy, and did I ever mention a 16 year old boy from my church who emails/texts/calls everyday. Plus everyone else thinks that me and this very nice looking single Coach (a different one) have a thing going. Unfortunately this is the stupid guy from last year. (The one that didn't walk me to the door.) Actually now, Stupid Guy isn't so bad. He's actually a pretty decent guy, but we're better off being friends obviously than anything else.
Anywaz, why can't I get a decent guy to like me? Why do I attract all the wrong kind. I mean, a guy got mad at me because he texted me asking me to hook up with him and I said no. He got mad at me! Please forgive me for not wanting to waste my saliva. What is up with these guys?? I just don't understand!
On top of all that is church. I love church and I love being apart. I'm just so stressed out. I certainly don't want to complain because I don't want people to think that I want to step down from my leadership roles. I'm just so overwhelmed with everything. And as stated before, I'll be alright in a few days, but right now I can't even comprehend my next step. I feel so inadequate, so ill prepared to work with young people both at school and at church. I'm so screwed up myself. I'm so broken, so flawed.
I'm doing leadership classes with my pastor; they're good and I'm learning a lot. However discovering your weaknesses is tough. Seeing yourself in true light and learning that what I thought was right isn't right at all, well it's extremely, emotionally taxing. I've prided myself on being strong and independent. Now I'm finding that it's one my biggest flaws. It's as if I've gone from confident to the most needy person in the world. I know exactly how Gideon felt when God called him a "mighty man of valor." What? Who? Me? No way!
So I'm here admitting that I'm not alright. I'm broken. I'm stressed. I need help!
Comments
You have great talents; so much more is expected of you from others as well as from yourself. But you also have great friends who accept you just the way you are with no exceptions! You are own my mind and in my prayers. <=(does that sentence make sense?lol).
The Guitar Man