I'm not Wallowing Today Either...
I thought about wallowing. I felt like I deserved to wallow. And just maybe, wallowing will hit me later, but right now I don't feel like wallowing.
I won't lie and say that I'm not hurt and disappointed. I do miss the anticipation I use to feel when he called or texted. I do miss the opportunity to text him and tell him a joke. I even missed not texting him a picture of my brace-less smile yesterday.
He was my friend, above all the other stuff, and he lied. Maybe he didn't directly come out and lie, but he omitted and led me to believe things that weren't true. Oh and trust me I was angry at first. Then the anger became confusion and sadness which led to tears....tears that wouldn't stop for a few hours.
I told him that I couldn't be his friend anymore, and he didn't agree that was fair. He claims that I'm one of his closest friends, and he apologized. I admitted that maybe I was rash in saying I could never be his friend again, but it would be a little while before I could process everything. And when I am his friend again it will be with clear-cut boundaries that I will enforce.
So today, when I woke up not feeling all sad and broken hearted, I searched for a lesson that I could gleam. Everything happens for a reason, and I was determined to find some satisfaction out of it all.
First I realized how great my friends and family are. I had a breakdown at church Sunday morning. It was the first time I cried about it, and everyone was trying to console me. In previous church settings I would think people were just trying to be nosy. But in my new fellowship, I knew that people were honestly concerned. I felt genuine love from everyone. Better yet, I knew everyone would have fought for me if they needed to.
I've had people tell me how proud they are of me, especially Guitarman. He helped me to understand that by putting myself out there to trust, by taking a chance and risking things, I've shown how strong I am even though I feel so weak. When I thought I was making myself into a big fool, I was actually opening up and showing a side of me that not many people get to see. And so I've learned that there are people that love me for me, even in my failures. I don't need to impress them with my cold-hard emotions. I can be free to hurt.
But today my biggest revelation was the sadness I feel for him, unconquerable boy. He doesn't have many true friends. He was actually telling the truth when he said I was one of his closest friends. The reason for that is because he pushes people away. He does dumb, jerky things and people back away from him. The thing is when he's finished with his new girl, I won't be there for him to run to, to talk to, to joke with.
He's basically lived life alone. Yeah he has acquaintances, and he's suave and charismatic, so there is always someone to hang out with, but there aren't many (if any) true friends to him like I was. And to be honest, he wasn't very open with me. He didn't confide in me all that much unless I forced it out of him. So I'm sad for him because who does he turn to in times of trouble. Who does he have to comfort and console him when things get bad. I know that I wouldn't be dealing with this well if it had not been for my friends (here and in the blogosphere) rallying behind me.
He gave no thought to his actions; he obviously didn't think about the consequences. To just accept his apology and return to being his friend would be wrong. He must understand that what he did was wrong, and he must pay for it. And maybe he won't think twice that I'm not there for him right now, maybe he hasn't missed me at all. But I would like to think that he's missing my friendship. I would like to think that soon he's going to realize he made a big mistake.
I just hope he learns a lesson. I hope he sees that he can't live his life selfishly. I hope he realizes that he needs people like me in his life. I pray he sees that he has to treat his friends with respect. I pray he changes, not for me, but for himself.
I won't lie and say that I'm not hurt and disappointed. I do miss the anticipation I use to feel when he called or texted. I do miss the opportunity to text him and tell him a joke. I even missed not texting him a picture of my brace-less smile yesterday.
He was my friend, above all the other stuff, and he lied. Maybe he didn't directly come out and lie, but he omitted and led me to believe things that weren't true. Oh and trust me I was angry at first. Then the anger became confusion and sadness which led to tears....tears that wouldn't stop for a few hours.
I told him that I couldn't be his friend anymore, and he didn't agree that was fair. He claims that I'm one of his closest friends, and he apologized. I admitted that maybe I was rash in saying I could never be his friend again, but it would be a little while before I could process everything. And when I am his friend again it will be with clear-cut boundaries that I will enforce.
So today, when I woke up not feeling all sad and broken hearted, I searched for a lesson that I could gleam. Everything happens for a reason, and I was determined to find some satisfaction out of it all.
First I realized how great my friends and family are. I had a breakdown at church Sunday morning. It was the first time I cried about it, and everyone was trying to console me. In previous church settings I would think people were just trying to be nosy. But in my new fellowship, I knew that people were honestly concerned. I felt genuine love from everyone. Better yet, I knew everyone would have fought for me if they needed to.
I've had people tell me how proud they are of me, especially Guitarman. He helped me to understand that by putting myself out there to trust, by taking a chance and risking things, I've shown how strong I am even though I feel so weak. When I thought I was making myself into a big fool, I was actually opening up and showing a side of me that not many people get to see. And so I've learned that there are people that love me for me, even in my failures. I don't need to impress them with my cold-hard emotions. I can be free to hurt.
But today my biggest revelation was the sadness I feel for him, unconquerable boy. He doesn't have many true friends. He was actually telling the truth when he said I was one of his closest friends. The reason for that is because he pushes people away. He does dumb, jerky things and people back away from him. The thing is when he's finished with his new girl, I won't be there for him to run to, to talk to, to joke with.
He's basically lived life alone. Yeah he has acquaintances, and he's suave and charismatic, so there is always someone to hang out with, but there aren't many (if any) true friends to him like I was. And to be honest, he wasn't very open with me. He didn't confide in me all that much unless I forced it out of him. So I'm sad for him because who does he turn to in times of trouble. Who does he have to comfort and console him when things get bad. I know that I wouldn't be dealing with this well if it had not been for my friends (here and in the blogosphere) rallying behind me.
He gave no thought to his actions; he obviously didn't think about the consequences. To just accept his apology and return to being his friend would be wrong. He must understand that what he did was wrong, and he must pay for it. And maybe he won't think twice that I'm not there for him right now, maybe he hasn't missed me at all. But I would like to think that he's missing my friendship. I would like to think that soon he's going to realize he made a big mistake.
I just hope he learns a lesson. I hope he sees that he can't live his life selfishly. I hope he realizes that he needs people like me in his life. I pray he sees that he has to treat his friends with respect. I pray he changes, not for me, but for himself.
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