When I Speak Your Name

I praise sing at my church every Sunday if I'm there.  This Sunday it was just me, Mr. Guitarman and Mr. Drummer, as the other musicians and praise singers were out of town.  Well, we were doing our thing this morning, just an acoustic guitar, a little drum for rhythm and our voices.  We got to the last song, "When I Speak Your Name."  I didn't even make it through the first verse, and I began to cry.

My mind went to the only other time I had sung that song in an actual service.  It was a Wednesday night youth service.  Before that particular youth service, I had a tiny melt down that no one really knew about.  There have been tough times in my life, but I never remember feeling what I had felt that afternoon.  I was lying on my mom's couch after dinner and before church.  It had been a bad day at school, I was facing some financial difficulties, and I was having my first issues with Mr. Amazing.  I can only describe it as the worst spirit of fear that I've ever experienced permeating my whole body.  I felt such a great feeling of helplessness, depression, and fear that I was almost motionless on my parent's couch.  I remember only being able to speak the name of Jesus at first.  The emotion overtook me so quickly that my first and only reaction was to pray.  I laid there for about 5 minutes.  I don't even remember breathing.  All I remember was feeling this deep depression and begging God to give me strength until it passed.  After a couple of minutes, I was able to move, but I walked about in a bit of an emotional haze for the rest of the night.  I never told anyone about the situation because it was so weird.

So this morning as I sang that song, I instantly began to cry.  I remembered that day, which I hadn't thought about previous to today.  It wasn't that I was reliving the fear, but I was remembering how speaking the name of Jesus got me out of that situation.  I was overtaken by the magnitude of the name of Jesus and how absolutely beautiful it is.  I began to think of how far God has brought me this year.  Even though I'm still dealing with some of the same issues, I have become a different person, and therefore, I'm able to see things and react to them in a different manner.  It left me choking out most of the song instead of singing it, but I think God was OK with that.

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