Originally Unoriginal

I hate that I love you. I hate that talking to you makes me feel better. I hate that the fire of hope won't die. I hate that I can't stop wishing. I hate that the idea of talking to you makes me feel better but thinking it may be the last time makes me sick to my stomach. I hate that I don't want to be your friend because I can't be more.  But I can't imagine not being your friend even if I can't be more. I hate that I can't move on and terrified you will. I hate that I want to move, but I don't want to move for you because I'm scared it won't be enough for you. I hate that you can't see what I see.  I hate that you can't be certain. I hate having faith in you and not in "us." I hate crying and being confused, especially when I think one day it may not even matter. I hate caring.  I hate feeling.  I hate remembering. Most of all, I hate being me without you.

....better build an Ark!  It's been raining here literally and figuratively for the past, say, 3 weeks.  Today was the first Saturday of sun since I can remember.  Maybe this means that the downpour of all the thoughts in my head will have a little break too.   Why is that everything can be going fine, and then all of a sudden, it all falls on top of you?  It's like everyone waits to drop their emotional trash all at the same time.  It's like I don't know which way is up sometimes.  The thing is no matter how much I analyze and run things over in my mind, I'm not going to be able to change anything.  What is suppose to happen will happen, right?   I don't even know where to begin with it all.  I don't want to process any of it.  I want it all to go away, but I'm afraid if it all goes away, I'll be left with nothing.  So perhaps it's all my fault for not just saying "I can't take the drama."  But to tell everyone to leave me alone, w...

It's been an absolutely crazy couple of weeks, and I do apologize for not keeping you all updated. I'm sure you have just been at wit's end not being able to hear my rants and raves. I'm not sure how you have all managed without me! :) So I've had several hour long conversations with my ex-boyfriend, the only guy I ever loved. Mr. Amazing has been very attentive via text, and even said he missed me the other day. Go figure. On top of that, I've had some extremely stressful situations at school. Not just discipline issues but real frustrating, no answer available situations. Then I had to decorate for Prom last week and chaperon, but that was actually kinda fun, just time consuming! So my brain has been fried along with my emotions, and therefore I just didn't find time to blog. Plus I'm learning that too many people read my blog and so I have to be careful what I write. I don't want anyone to get their feelings hurt and I don't want one ...

You should know by now that if I've avoided the blogosphere for too long, it means 1 or 2 things: My life is so busy that I don't have time to write. I am dealing with so many thoughts that I refuse to sit down and write because I don't want to deal with them. This time, its a mixture of the two. I'm taking a night class this semester to prepare for a 3 part test.  I have to take this test to be certified to teach a computer class next semester.  The kicker is, our district won't know if we'll even be able to offer the class until April, but I have to take all this training just in case it all works out.  Of course, when you ask for details, no one seems to know anything.  I've gotten so many different answers that it's left me a bit stressed.  I like to know what is expected of me, and everything is so up in the air that it's driving me crazy. I've also applied to Graduate School.  I planned on starting this summer, but the fellowship I'm ap...

I praise sing at my church every Sunday if I'm there.  This Sunday it was just me, Mr. Guitarman and Mr. Drummer, as the other musicians and praise singers were out of town.  Well, we were doing our thing this morning, just an acoustic guitar, a little drum for rhythm and our voices.  We got to the last song, "When I Speak Your Name."  I didn't even make it through the first verse, and I began to cry. My mind went to the only other time I had sung that song in an actual service.  It was a Wednesday night youth service.  Before that particular youth service, I had a tiny melt down that no one really knew about.  There have been tough times in my life, but I never remember feeling what I had felt that afternoon.  I was lying on my mom's couch after dinner and before church.  It had been a bad day at school, I was facing some financial difficulties, and I was having my first issues with Mr. Amazing.  I can only describe it as the worst spirit of fear that I'v...

Ignorance is bliss.   I'm not exactly sure who first coined the phrase, most likely the poet Thomas Grey .  But I'm finding that it's a pretty accurate statement, at least lately.   The less one knows, the less one stresses, the less worry, the less is required of her.  Sometimes I wish I didn't know all the things I know.  Sometimes I wish I didn't hear the rumors that I hear.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't privy to all the information about people that I know. When you know things, you have to react.  At least I do.  I'm not one who sits by idly.  As hard as I wished I could at times, I can't.  Then when I can't change things, I get frustrated.  Life would be so much easier, if I could just tend to me and no one else.  I know that isn't how things work, and I know that no man is an island, but I think things would be a lot smoother. I wished I didn't care sometimes.  I wish I could just turn my emotions off and not feel.  Sometimes feeling is j...