Originally Unoriginal

I had an uneventful New Year's Eve.  It wasn't at all what I had anticipated, but by the time 12 AM arrived, I was just glad to be spending it with anyone at all. I ended up hanging out with my parents and going to one of their friend's house to ring in the new year.  We were all sitting around playing Deal or No Deal  and I looked down at my phone.  15 minutes until the new year.  10 minutes to the new year.  7 minutes to the new year.  I looked to an old friend next to me and said... "Why am I counting down?  Like in 7 minutes my life is going to radically change for the better?" She laughed and agreed..."Not like your knight in shining armor is going to arrive right at that moment, huh?"   "Nope...he'd probably be riding a mule and wearing tin foil anyway!" We were just joking around but they reality is true.  A new year isn't going to miraculously change anything.  No matter whether 2008 was the best year ever or the worst year ever...

I praise sing at my church every Sunday if I'm there.  This Sunday it was just me, Mr. Guitarman and Mr. Drummer, as the other musicians and praise singers were out of town.  Well, we were doing our thing this morning, just an acoustic guitar, a little drum for rhythm and our voices.  We got to the last song, "When I Speak Your Name."  I didn't even make it through the first verse, and I began to cry. My mind went to the only other time I had sung that song in an actual service.  It was a Wednesday night youth service.  Before that particular youth service, I had a tiny melt down that no one really knew about.  There have been tough times in my life, but I never remember feeling what I had felt that afternoon.  I was lying on my mom's couch after dinner and before church.  It had been a bad day at school, I was facing some financial difficulties, and I was having my first issues with Mr. Amazing.  I can only describe it as the worst spirit of fear that I'v...

To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again…even though every time you’ ve tried before, you’ ve lost.  It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away.  I think lovin...

There have been times where I've sat down at my computer, blogged my heart out, and walked away feeling 100% better.  Many times my problems have been solved staring at this blogger screen.  However, I've found that sometimes, no matter how much I dissect and discuss, the situation doesn't make sense and doesn't get better.  So I come back time and time again to write it all out and see if the therapy works.   Tonight, I find it doesn't. Life is hard....and it only gets harder.  Just when you think you have it all figured out, and you know your purpose, things get cloudy.  I guess in my naive youth I thought after college I would have it all figured out, and for a while, I suppose I did.  Then suddenly, here I am out of college, with a career, and still as clueless as ever as to what I want out of life. I guess what scares me is will I ever be satisfied? Will I ever finally get it all figured out and be happy with it?  Will I feel the need to change, to move, to rei...

...in the world, in your school, in your workplace. You fill in the blank That's my new motto! I'm ready to see some positive things happen, and that's only going to happen one person at a tie What better person to start with than myself? I've decided to put myself out there, and do whatever I need to do to make things happen. I can sit by idly and wish things were better or I can make a conscious effort to change them. So if I don't succeed, at least I tried. And I don't plan to go out without a fight. My new motto was strengthened today at school when I heard of a recent student getting saved. She was a known lesbian, but in math class, she proceeded to preach to the rest of the class about how she's been changed. As the bell was ringing, she asked the kids to hold tight while she said a prayer. She ended it "God let something I said today touch someone." WOW! I was floored. Her boldness to get in front of the entire class and put all...

A friend of mine commented how much I've changed over the past year. He said besides the emotional peace I seem to have lately, there has been an outward change. He stated that I was taking time out for me, and it seemed to show. He's right. I have been having a ton of "me" time lately. Some of it has been fun: new clothes, new hair, new tan, even the new work-outs. But all the inward, emotional stuff has been down right difficult at times. It's not so easy to look at yourself and say, "You've got to change." It hurts to dig deep and expose light to the dark places of your soul. My recently discovered issue is that I don't trust myself, therefore, I don't trust others. As a result I keep my guard up with people as not to be disappointed when they don't live up to my expectations. My expectations of others are high because I expect too much out of myself. I'm hard on myself because I don't trust myself to just relax. I do...

There are a some days that I'm not happy being me. There are days where I'm happy being me, but I'd like to be a better version of me. Then there are those great days where I feel great just being me. Today is that day! I'm feeling good. I've been improving on me a bit. I'm working on my tan and I've been visiting the Y for a workout regularly! I'm changing my look a bit. I'm liking my outward appearance . Several people mentioned to me that I was looking darker! It felt good!! I'm also working on the inside part of me too. I've come to grips with my isolation problem. I know that I push people away and that I have a tendency to hide from love. I'm slowly changing that. I think I'm getting much better at putting things in God's hands and embracing my weaknesses. It's a daily battle, but it's do-able. So today...I'm just happy being Kimberly!

I am no different than I have been. I have not stepped down some evil path heading for damnation. I have not made any bad decisions. I haven't made any decisions because there are no decisions to make at the moment! Just because I'm in a bad mood or a bit negative at the present time is no reflection of my character. I will get through this. This too shall pass. I'm 24, female, and single. That in and of itself should be enough information to let you know that I will have down days, weeks, seasons. It's LIFE people. This in no way means that I've turned my back on God or am not as close to Him as I once was. This does not mean that I don't believe God has a plan or that I am questioning His plan. I know as well as any good Christian that God has something special for me. And I realize that His ways are so much better than any idea I may ever have. However, His plan can hurt sometimes. His plan can be complicated and confusing and just plain hard to d...

This is not a pity-party. This is simple a statement of where I am and why I feel the way I feel. I am not depressed, but I am not really satisfied, and that's perfectly ok. I'm a 24 year old single female. I still live at home with my parents. I don't have a husband or kids. I don't have a boyfriend. I have myself. I have my car. I have my iPhone. I realize that paying rent for an apartment would be ridiculous considering that I don't spend that much time at home. Yet sometimes I just wish I had my own place. I love my job, but sometimes I wonder if it's really what I want to do for the rest of my life. I don't want to be the 40 year old teacher that's still single and still in the same place because she was too afraid to strike out on her own. I am great friends with one of the best guys around. But for whatever reasons, we aren't anything more than friends. That really bothers me at times, and then at other times I don't feel like...

There is so much going on in my life right now, that I haven't been able to blog about it. I always rant and rave on here, and it helps me release all my emotions. Yet, for some reason all of this is just so overwhelming, I didn't even know where to begin. So I'll just start.... There are some certain people in my life that are forcing me to look at some issues. You've already read about the coach that in a round about way got to me admit my fear of rejection. Then there was this whole other conversation with someone else that just met me, that threw me for a loop. How could you tell so much about me in the matter of a week? How do you see the things that I thought I kept hidden so well? But now I'm left to deal with these flaws by myself. Like I said, admitting that they are there is the easy part. But how do I change what I've been for 24 years?? Then there is this new sense of freedom that I have spiritually. I am learning so many new things about G...

Could someone, anyone, please show me the life manual that states "Change is WRONG?" If someone could just point that out, then I'll end this diatribe. Until then, I'm fired up. It seems that I've run up against this in church, school, and just everyday life. People get angry with someone because they make a change in routine. The change wasn't illegal, but because someone didn't like it, they pitched a hissy fit as if the one making the change had committed one of the seven deadly sins. People don't like change, and I understand why. People like their rut. It's comfortable, and they know what to expect. When a change comes, these people are forced to act or get left behind. People are just lazy. People are lazy spiritually, emotionally, and physically. When a change comes, they search for an excuse to save them from taking action. Many people spend more time fighting the change than would have spent just getting with the program. Now I'm not ...

My pastor decided to resign this morning. Instead of forcing anyone to vote yes or no against the ministry, he resigned. Those of us in support of his ministry left the Greenville United Pentecostal Church and are starting a new work, Grace Apostolic Fellowship. Our first service this morning was held at a local funeral home. After all the jokes about raising the dead, etc, we ended up having a great service with 97 people in attendance. We are believing God for a permanent home in the next 30 days. I am sad to leave UPC. That church was a haven to me during a hard time in my life. I wouldn't be the person I am today without many of the people there. Numerous people invested in me, and I am grateful. I will never forget the love, friendships, and lessons I learned while a member there. I will not belittle my past with bitterness and act as if it means nothing to me. There will always be fond memories. My leadership began at that church, and I do not take it for granted. There are ...

My previous post was just a joke. However, today it seems to ring true. (not the part about God using magic!) God really doesn't play by any rules, or at least not our rules. He's got his own game plan going. I find that walking with God is like playing a board game with a six year old. The little kid changes the rules to suit him. When you think it's your turn to roll the dice, the child decides all of sudden that he gets two extra rolls for no apparent reason. Then you get use to that rule change to realize that it doesn't apply anymore. So you're left feeling as if you have no control; you're just living play by play. I'm not saying that this is bad. Obviously as a Christian I know that God's ways are always going to be better than my ways. Of course He created the world and has the authority to do whatever He please, whenever He pleases. I just feel impatient sometimes. I know that I'm doing a good thing where I am at and that I'm needed and ...