Secret Longing...

You told me today "I think you're a real, live angel." I smiled a real, deep smile.

I wanted to tell you that I love you...that I sit on the edge of falling deeply in love with you. You make me want to be dependent and needy. You entice me to be that whole totally in love, mushy person.

Yet I hold on to my surroundings for dear life because I fear, I almost know with certainty, that you don't love me back. You like me, and sometimes you even want me, but you don't crave me, need me, adore me. How I long to be completely wrong for once.

I try my best to play it cool, to forget the tugging in my heart when I see you or talk to you, but I find it more impossible each time. I've almost decided to cut contact with you for fear of my heart shattering into a million pieces. Yet some unknown force always pulls me back.

I pray that God moves you away, but you only seem to show right back up. I don't take it as a sign nor do I dismiss you as a devilish temptation. Why must you haunt me?

I wish you were reading this, but then again, I'm not sure I want you to know the deepest part of me. Yes there is a huge amount of fear, but more so than that, reality and sanity keeps me in check. I keep my thoughts to myself because I want what God wants, but I hold on to you because what if you are what God wants?

Comments

snb-the glamourista said…
i can relate to so much of this. why is it so hard to let go of it? i guess because a little something sometimes feels better than a lot of nothing....
5:44 AM
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