Kim's Story
I've restarted this post 3 times! I have so much to say, so much emotion, but I don't know how to express it. But I do know that I have to express it, or I'll explode. I did ask him if he would mind if I blogged about him, and he encouraged it.
I thought about finishing "Jenny's Story", but it didn't feel right. When I first wrote Jenny's story, it was based on a comment my friend (DS) had made about me opening up and being the real Kim. I believed there was truth to his comment, but I didn't think it was such a big deal. Now, I realize how right he was and how I am Jenny. Now I feel like I have to admit my issues and not hide behind an analogy.
So Here is Kim's Story...
When I was a young teenager I did the whole dating thing. I had several boyfriends back to back and was trusting and loving. Then I met a boy, fell in love, and thought my life was set. He broke my heart at the age of 17, which is normal for most teenage boys to do. Unfortunately, it hurt so bad, I never recovered.
I went through the next 6-7 years vowing never to feel that pain again. I guarded my heart and put up walls that no one could break. I wore my Ms. Independent attitude with pride. I did it for so long that I forgot I was ever anything but Ms. Independent. Sure there were a few crushes, but I always stayed in control. When it came to guys, no one was going to hurt me.
So here I am 7 years later, and not one man has broken me down. I haven't let down my guard for any. But now there's this one guy. I've known him for years, and I've always had a crush, but the crush has grown. Now the crush has become so big that it's too much for my walls to hide. It's creeping over the sides and oozing out.
I thought I was doing a good job of managing it all. Pushing back the seeping parts into its little box. The crush was contained because it wasn't reciprocated. Yet now, it seems that a tiny spark of hope has been lit by the crushee. He indeed does have feelings for me. This spells danger for my walls. It's going to be very hard to stop my feelings from breaking down the walls and taking complete control of my emotions.
So I had to fight. As much as my heart longed to be free of it's prison, my fear held me in check. I couldn't just trust again. I couldn't just open up myself and hope for the best. What if I got hurt again? It took me years to glue together the pieces of my heart. And now that I've finally got it whole again, this guy is taking it away. He's holding it in his well-meaning but clumsy hands. He's trying to balance it along with everything else.
It's terrifying because even though he knows it's mine, I'm not sure he knows exactly how much it cost to fix it. I'm not sure he knows the years or the tears that were put into protecting it. And so it teeter-totters in his hands, and it bounces to the tops of his fingers. I desperately want to jump out and grab it quickly before he breaks it, yet just when I get up to reclaim it, he rolls my heart from his fingers back into his arms and safely cradles it.
The emotional battle I'm fighting continues. One minute I feel as though I could trust him with my heart, and the next minute I'm sure there is no way I'm going to come out of this a winner. I know it's not his fault. I know his intentions are not to hurt me. It's a problem of my own making, but it exists now regardless.
The chance one takes on love is such a high risk. I know it's worth it in the end, but only if one wins. What if I lose again....my once broken heart will again be shattered into so many pieces, I wonder if it will ever be fixed.
Letting go and trusting has been a nightmare. The fear of pain and rejection hurts now just as badly as the actual pain and rejection of the past had hurt. I played the role of cool, calm, and collected to his face. But once he left I was a mess. I cried and prayed and even thought I should just pack up and leave. So I did all I knew to do....I had to be honest.
When I asked for honesty from him, I realized that I may not be the only one facing demons. I remembered that moment when he stared at me forever, and when I asked him what was wrong, he tried to form words, but he couldn't. Yes, he was fighting something too. He too has his own insecurities. He feels as though he hasn't earned the right to have these feelings for me. He thinks I deserve so much, and he's not everything he can be yet.
I am slowly trusting him. I know that he really cares about me, and I know that he would never intentionally hurt me. But I do fear that he may unintentionally hurt me. Unfortunately, it's the chance I have to take. I can either wait in fear of hurt or actually take a chance and possibly not get hurt, but get loved.
Maybe, just maybe, unconquerable boy can be conquered?
I thought about finishing "Jenny's Story", but it didn't feel right. When I first wrote Jenny's story, it was based on a comment my friend (DS) had made about me opening up and being the real Kim. I believed there was truth to his comment, but I didn't think it was such a big deal. Now, I realize how right he was and how I am Jenny. Now I feel like I have to admit my issues and not hide behind an analogy.
So Here is Kim's Story...
When I was a young teenager I did the whole dating thing. I had several boyfriends back to back and was trusting and loving. Then I met a boy, fell in love, and thought my life was set. He broke my heart at the age of 17, which is normal for most teenage boys to do. Unfortunately, it hurt so bad, I never recovered.
I went through the next 6-7 years vowing never to feel that pain again. I guarded my heart and put up walls that no one could break. I wore my Ms. Independent attitude with pride. I did it for so long that I forgot I was ever anything but Ms. Independent. Sure there were a few crushes, but I always stayed in control. When it came to guys, no one was going to hurt me.
So here I am 7 years later, and not one man has broken me down. I haven't let down my guard for any. But now there's this one guy. I've known him for years, and I've always had a crush, but the crush has grown. Now the crush has become so big that it's too much for my walls to hide. It's creeping over the sides and oozing out.
I thought I was doing a good job of managing it all. Pushing back the seeping parts into its little box. The crush was contained because it wasn't reciprocated. Yet now, it seems that a tiny spark of hope has been lit by the crushee. He indeed does have feelings for me. This spells danger for my walls. It's going to be very hard to stop my feelings from breaking down the walls and taking complete control of my emotions.
So I had to fight. As much as my heart longed to be free of it's prison, my fear held me in check. I couldn't just trust again. I couldn't just open up myself and hope for the best. What if I got hurt again? It took me years to glue together the pieces of my heart. And now that I've finally got it whole again, this guy is taking it away. He's holding it in his well-meaning but clumsy hands. He's trying to balance it along with everything else.
It's terrifying because even though he knows it's mine, I'm not sure he knows exactly how much it cost to fix it. I'm not sure he knows the years or the tears that were put into protecting it. And so it teeter-totters in his hands, and it bounces to the tops of his fingers. I desperately want to jump out and grab it quickly before he breaks it, yet just when I get up to reclaim it, he rolls my heart from his fingers back into his arms and safely cradles it.
The emotional battle I'm fighting continues. One minute I feel as though I could trust him with my heart, and the next minute I'm sure there is no way I'm going to come out of this a winner. I know it's not his fault. I know his intentions are not to hurt me. It's a problem of my own making, but it exists now regardless.
The chance one takes on love is such a high risk. I know it's worth it in the end, but only if one wins. What if I lose again....my once broken heart will again be shattered into so many pieces, I wonder if it will ever be fixed.
Letting go and trusting has been a nightmare. The fear of pain and rejection hurts now just as badly as the actual pain and rejection of the past had hurt. I played the role of cool, calm, and collected to his face. But once he left I was a mess. I cried and prayed and even thought I should just pack up and leave. So I did all I knew to do....I had to be honest.
When I asked for honesty from him, I realized that I may not be the only one facing demons. I remembered that moment when he stared at me forever, and when I asked him what was wrong, he tried to form words, but he couldn't. Yes, he was fighting something too. He too has his own insecurities. He feels as though he hasn't earned the right to have these feelings for me. He thinks I deserve so much, and he's not everything he can be yet.
I am slowly trusting him. I know that he really cares about me, and I know that he would never intentionally hurt me. But I do fear that he may unintentionally hurt me. Unfortunately, it's the chance I have to take. I can either wait in fear of hurt or actually take a chance and possibly not get hurt, but get loved.
Maybe, just maybe, unconquerable boy can be conquered?
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