How Jacked Up Am I?
That's the question I've been asking myself the past 2 days. My conclusion...pretty jacked up!
So last week I met a guy at my cousin's wedding. I know his family, was introduced to him, and had a great time chatting it up and dancing the night away. We're talking about a good looking guy that's really got his act together. He owns his own business plus has another job, building his own house, never been married, no kids. A stand up guy here. He doesn't drink, goes to church every Sunday, and educated. He sounds like everything I've been looking for. Did I mention that he lives here so it wouldn't be a long distance thing? I could go on and on...opens the door for me, orders for me, gets me a drink just because I look thirsty, throws away my trash.
So my question is, why in the world am I looking for something to be wrong?? I am nit-picking everything to death. Most of the things that I am not a fan of are such small things like...he's got a farmer boy haircut (I can't explain that really just think super thick hair. It's a typical hair cut for guys here in the MS Delta.) He also dresses like a farmer. I'm just not a fan of the Carhart pants. I guess his worst trait is that he has a southern, republican mentality. He's just a good ole, Delta boy, and I have never really been into that.
This is my thought process. "Wow he's seems like a great guy. He's such a gentleman, very attentive to my needs, and has a good head on his shoulders. But what if I can't get past the 'countryness'? What if I end up dating this guy and 6 months/a year down the road I realize I just can't do it? Then I've wasted both of our time. What if I really hurt his feelings? If I liked him, wouldn't I just know? Or is 1 week too short of a time period to know anything?"
I think I'm just broken. I say I want commitment, but I think the thought of commitment scares me to death. All I ever wanted from Unconquerable boy and Mr. Amazing was a commitment, but if they would have been willing to give it, would I have really wanted it? Do I cling to guys like them because it's something I know I can't have and therefore I don't have to deal with the issue of commitment? I have thought about Mr. Amazing since meeting the Good, Ole Boy. I keep thinking...I knew I wanted to be with Mr. Amazing right off the bat. But after the first month, there was nothing to Mr. Amazing. I never talked to him on a regular basis. Everything was always on his terms. He didn't have any relationship with God, he drank and occasionally smoked...all the things I say I don't want in a guy but I still wanted him. (Ok, if God would have allowed it, I would still want him,) And now I meet a guy who has all the things I say I want and I'm just not sure? How messed up is that??
The thing is, I don't want to walk away from Good, Ole Boy just yet. On the other hand, I wish he would discover some horrible flaw in me that would make him want to walk away from me, that way I don't have to figure anything out. I am sick!
So last week I met a guy at my cousin's wedding. I know his family, was introduced to him, and had a great time chatting it up and dancing the night away. We're talking about a good looking guy that's really got his act together. He owns his own business plus has another job, building his own house, never been married, no kids. A stand up guy here. He doesn't drink, goes to church every Sunday, and educated. He sounds like everything I've been looking for. Did I mention that he lives here so it wouldn't be a long distance thing? I could go on and on...opens the door for me, orders for me, gets me a drink just because I look thirsty, throws away my trash.
So my question is, why in the world am I looking for something to be wrong?? I am nit-picking everything to death. Most of the things that I am not a fan of are such small things like...he's got a farmer boy haircut (I can't explain that really just think super thick hair. It's a typical hair cut for guys here in the MS Delta.) He also dresses like a farmer. I'm just not a fan of the Carhart pants. I guess his worst trait is that he has a southern, republican mentality. He's just a good ole, Delta boy, and I have never really been into that.
This is my thought process. "Wow he's seems like a great guy. He's such a gentleman, very attentive to my needs, and has a good head on his shoulders. But what if I can't get past the 'countryness'? What if I end up dating this guy and 6 months/a year down the road I realize I just can't do it? Then I've wasted both of our time. What if I really hurt his feelings? If I liked him, wouldn't I just know? Or is 1 week too short of a time period to know anything?"
I think I'm just broken. I say I want commitment, but I think the thought of commitment scares me to death. All I ever wanted from Unconquerable boy and Mr. Amazing was a commitment, but if they would have been willing to give it, would I have really wanted it? Do I cling to guys like them because it's something I know I can't have and therefore I don't have to deal with the issue of commitment? I have thought about Mr. Amazing since meeting the Good, Ole Boy. I keep thinking...I knew I wanted to be with Mr. Amazing right off the bat. But after the first month, there was nothing to Mr. Amazing. I never talked to him on a regular basis. Everything was always on his terms. He didn't have any relationship with God, he drank and occasionally smoked...all the things I say I don't want in a guy but I still wanted him. (Ok, if God would have allowed it, I would still want him,) And now I meet a guy who has all the things I say I want and I'm just not sure? How messed up is that??
The thing is, I don't want to walk away from Good, Ole Boy just yet. On the other hand, I wish he would discover some horrible flaw in me that would make him want to walk away from me, that way I don't have to figure anything out. I am sick!
Comments
Okay, moving on. I understand your feelings. Part of you doesn't even want to go down that road because you already know you're not feeling him all the way because of his "countryness." But at the same time you're berating yourself because he has great qualities and you feel you might be subconsciously trying to sabotage it by looking for something wrong.
One word. Relax! Instead of looking at him as the potential "One," simply look at him as a guy you're getting to know. Focus on being his friend. Look at him as a person rather than a "candidate." If things happen to go beyond that, fantastic. If they don't, you at least will have gained a friend.
All of this coming from a person who is the world's worst at overanalyzing. But I've come to realize that my constant overanalysis turned the fun of getting to know someone new into a mental exercise of stress and futility. And it's just not worth it.
He sounds like a decent guy. Don't discount him right off the bat. I think God puts people in our lives for a reason. And the reason may be something totally different than the reason we're obsessing over.
Hang in there! :-)