Originally Unoriginal

The Everyday Stuff How exciting!  The cardinals won the World Series.  I know you are happy about that. So you know you told me about that movie "Mud" they are filming in Arkansas.  Well Matthew McConaughey is staying at Harlow's!!  They guy of my dreams, well besides you of course, is only 10 minutes away from me!! I'm really upset about my mom.  Will you just give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be ok. The Major Stuff This break up is stupid.  Your miserable, I'm miserable.  Why can't we just end the misery and be together? It's not fair that you can break up with me and with that decision take people that I really care about out of my life as well.  This isn't just about you and me.  It's about your family and your church family that I have grown to love.  I miss them too! One of the girls from your church even posted on my FB page that she missed me.  Why can everyone see this but you? Why can't we work through this t

I am in complete and utter confusion.  I am frustrated, tired, and stressed.  Every aspect of my life seems messed up, and I have question upon question with no answers. And I am the first one to admit that things could be WAY worse.  However, my pain is still real, my predicaments are still confusing, and I still feel at a complete loss as to what direction to take. And the biggest problem is that almost every situation is beyond my control.  I don't have a say in anything.  I can't make someone love me that doesn't.  I can't make sick people better.  I can't make test scores jump to miraculous heights.  I can't make things make sense. And I'm angry.  I'm not cursing-God-angry; I'm confused-angry.  I'm I-can't-take-one-more-step-until-you-answer-me-angry.  And so I wait, but I feel as though the longer I wait, the more complicated it gets.  I'm just ready for an answer, a sign, a confirmation that I'm still on the right track

So I'm dealing with some personal issues, and as I do when I need to think things through, I turned to my blog. It was actually so encouraging to read past posts and see how God had answered prayers and how things that I thought were impossible, became possible. It left me encouraged, almost completely encouraged.  So much encouraged that I am almost positive that the issues are soon to resolve.  And that scares me a little.  It seems crazy to go from a complete mess to an over-positive hopeful in the matter of a day.  So I'm trying to balance keeping low expectations so that I don't get my feelings hurt even worst and making positive things happen to positive thinkers. I want to name it and claim it, while I'm also thinking, don't say something that is gonna make you look like a fool later. So I'm holding on and being hopeful, while not being too hopeful.  I'm sure hoping the hopeful side wins.

I've learned that one way or another, you will have to face some issues in your life.  There are insecurities, flaws, imperfections that we all have.  We are aware of them.  But they aren't always present, and we can hide them so deep that during the good times, you forget about them completely.  But as soon as the trouble comes, the pesky problems rear their ugly heads.  Sometimes you have enough strength to push them back down into their hiding place and act as if nothing happened.  Sometimes, you just don't have the strength to hide it anymore. And so eventually, like it or not, you have to face the demons.  I had to face some insecurities about myself.  But the only way I knew to handle it was to take it to the Lord.  My strength was gone, but thankfully, in my weakness, He is strong!  I sat down and had a heart to heart.  Then I said...ok God, here are these insecurities....get 'em good! As I prayed, I began to ask God "Why am I this?  Why am I that?"

Today I woke up with some sad things on my mind, and I was fighting a small dose of depression. I sat down on the floor in my room as I tied my shoes, swallowing back tears, and whispered up a prayer. "God I'm gonna gonna need your strength to make it today, more so than normal." I read my daily scripture and meditated on the thought that I move, breathe, and exist only in Christ. I made it to school determined not to focus on my lack but on my blessings. It didn't take long for God to show up and answer my prayer. By the time I made it to the first class period of the day, God said "Let me show you how GREAT I am!!" There is a girl at our school who found out when she was in 8 th grade that she had tumors on her spine. She had the tumors removed and was then placed in a wheelchair due to some paralysis. She's now in 10 th grade and found out that the cancer had spread to her brain. She simply said "They got it off my spine; they can get i

I figured it was time to end it all. Even though the fire was out, I should just throw some more water on it. Kill off any remaining embers in case a random breeze would fuel them again. Was it coincidence that thought came to me almost simultaneously as your news came to you? While my dreams died, yours were born. Yet I've come to learn that the dreams of today are not always the dreams of tomorrow. And although mine may have ended for now, new ones will rise. Someone said something recently that I never thought about before. If you tell someone that you trust him to complete a task, yet you constantly pester him about getting the job done and ask how the task is coming, is it really trust? It seems like you are still trying to keep control and don't trust that the man is truly capable of completing the job without you. So while I feel like things are falling apart, I am trying to remember to truly trust. I'm not going to ask why a million times or ask when the job wi

Forgiveness is a funny thing. Sometimes it's so easy, while other times, it seems impossible. I know women that forgive men that hurt them or abuse them, but will hold a grudge against a girl-friend for years. Why do we do that? How do we hold on to certain things, and let other things go? There was once a guy who did tons of stupid things to me, yet I always seemed to find a way to forgive him. Perhaps it was just plain ole stupidity. Maybe, we easily forgive those that we are scared to lose. Perhaps we easily forgive those because we are scared not to forgive them. Either way, it seems pretty messed up. I'm in a current situation, where I know I have to forgive, and for the most part, feel like I have. However, this forgiveness doesn't feel the same as usual. I can't seem to easily pass it off and embrace the ones I forgave. Quite the opposite, I want to stay far, far away from the entire situation. Some may say it isn't true forgiveness; some may say I

The following was written about me just a few days ago by someone who stumbled upon my blog. I must admit, it is a bit frightening how accurate it is! If you are interested, go and check out more of his writings -- allIhaveIstheseWords She loves God and she loves Jesus And she always tries to sport rosy glasses She’ll stand by for that guy, but why does it seem he won’t make it? They say good things come to those who wait But those good things don’t seem to wait for her She wonders late at night if the effort’s worth it Losing faith in man but not in the man above She wants what every girl wants and that’s just to be loved After disappointment from so many opportunities I’ll never forget one night what she said to me I want to feel alive I want a love that’s all mine I want vindication I want my sunrise Tomorrows are never ending Today is misery’s disguise I’m tired of waiting wondering why I’m leaving now to find my sunrise Unanswered calls and unanswered prayers Her world keeps spi

I was looking for a scripture and came across this excellent version of Lamentations 3. It comes from The Message . I remember very well moments when I felt like I had hit rock bottom. What an excellent reminder to keep hope alive! I gave up on life altogether. I've forgotten what the good life is like. I said to myself, "This is it. I'm finished. God is a lost cause." I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the wo

It's been almost a year since I've written anything. Lately I've had a lot of people ask me about my blog, and even today I received an email from someone who had stumbled upon my blog. I started writing this as a creative outlet, and it turned into therapy for me. I never thought it would become anything anyone else would care about. Perhaps it was helpful to others. But despite it's original intentions, it was helpful to me, and it's been helpful to read all the CRAZINESS I've been through. Sometimes it's good to see how I've matured in the past 5 years, and then, how somethings never change. And so here I am, writing again. Sharing something that may help someone, but really just chronically another event in my life that I may want to remember in the years to come. I went on a cruise back in October, and I was determined to see a sunrise on the ocean horizon. So the last day of the cruise, I woke my mom up at 6:30, we threw on some clothes and wen