Originally Unoriginal

I praise sing at my church every Sunday if I'm there.  This Sunday it was just me, Mr. Guitarman and Mr. Drummer, as the other musicians and praise singers were out of town.  Well, we were doing our thing this morning, just an acoustic guitar, a little drum for rhythm and our voices.  We got to the last song, "When I Speak Your Name."  I didn't even make it through the first verse, and I began to cry. My mind went to the only other time I had sung that song in an actual service.  It was a Wednesday night youth service.  Before that particular youth service, I had a tiny melt down that no one really knew about.  There have been tough times in my life, but I never remember feeling what I had felt that afternoon.  I was lying on my mom's couch after dinner and before church.  It had been a bad day at school, I was facing some financial difficulties, and I was having my first issues with Mr. Amazing.  I can only describe it as the worst spirit of fear that I'v...

I'm a pretty cynical person. It's not necessarily something I'm proud of, but it's who I am. I work on not being too cynical, but it's a defense mechanism. Sometimes in life, I've found, it's better to expect the worst, that way you don't get your hopes up. I'm not the biggest Christmas fan around. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love getting and receiving presents as much as the next girl. However, I get a bit tired of all the things we are expected to do just because it's Christmas. You have Christmas parties, Christmas programs, and all the other Christmas activities that aren't done because you want to but because you are obligated to do them. It makes my cynicism hit the roof if not kept in check. But last night, I was reminded what Christmas is about. I know a young boy with autism who is mesmerized by me. (I know...as if the boy didn't have enough on his plate!) Anyways, he just thinks I am the greatest thing in the worl...

Tomorrow I will travel down a road I haven't been down in 4 months...literally.  I've wanted to go down it on several occasions.  Then for a little while, I wished the road would blow up offering no way to ever get to that point again.  But tomorrow, it will be the path for my journey. I'm very hesitant about traveling down this road.  The last time I traveled on it, I was excited.  I knew where I was going and positive about the future.  I had it pretty much figured out.  But then plans changed....or just flat out disappeared.  I've wondered if plans changed because it wasn't meant to be or if God was trying to make me trust Him instead of my plans. Now, I'm contemplating what the road will lead to this time.  Part of me hopes that nothing becomes of it because then I'll know it's all over and done with and possibly not experience anymore hurt.  But the other part of me desperately clings to the hope that, if even just for a few days, I find excitement...

There has been an enormous amount of rainfall in the past few hours, and I'm very glad about it. The rain canceled a basketball game at school. So instead of staying to the school until 9 PM, I was able to leave at 3:30. That means for the first time in a while, I have a weeknight to do nothing! So far I've laid on the couch and watched TV. Now I'm at my parents house, going to eat dinner with them, and probably watch The Dark Knight . (Even though I saw it 3 or 4 times in theater.) Besides the rain on the outside, it's getting pretty stormy inside my head. With the resurrection of Mr. Amazing, my brain is going 90 to nothing. There is a possibility I'll be seeing him soon, and I know exactly how I'm going to handle the situation. It's not what I would tell other people to do. No, I'm sure I'll do the direct opposite...if I actually see him. And if I don't end up seeing him, I'll be mad for wasting all this time fretting over it. ...

...so I'm sorry that I haven't posted anything lately.  I've had something to do every day after school.  I've helped my friend with her monogramming business, kept score at the school basketball games, taken pictures at the school choir concert, and helped a local business with inventory after hours.  On top of that I'm doing church stuff, going to the grocery store, and trying to do some Christmas shopping.   Whoever said this is the "most wonderful time of the year" was CRAZY.   As if that wasn't enough, Mr. Amazing texted me out of the blue today....I won't even comment on all of that.  I was really hoping to avoid a roller coaster; I just wish I had enough strength to walk away and not get on the ride.

Well consider Mr. Amazing deleted from my phone and my life.  In the words of Taylor Swift, "He's just another picture to burn!" So I texted to tell him Happy Thanksgiving and that I understood that things didn't work out, although I wish he could have just said so.  I did say regardless of the situation, I was here if he ever needed anything and that I was thankful he was part of my life that year, if even for a short time. Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything.  Perhaps I should have just said "Happy Thanksgiving" and left it at that.  But I wanted closure, needed closure.  I didn't want to pine away at home, thinking that maybe, just maybe, he might remember I existed.  And I wanted to be nice.  I have no real reason to be rude, and I wanted to treat him the way I wanted to be treated. But just because you treat someone the way you want to be treated, doesn't mean they will actually come through with it.  Matter of fact, Mr. Amazing didn...

It may not last too long, so I'm gonna celebrate it while I can.  Today was a great day.  If only for this weekend, things were fun and light and nice.  I'm not letting what could have been and should have been bother me.  Nope, I'm enjoying the present and be thankful for what I have.  It may not be what I imagined, but it's been fun nonetheless.

To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again…even though every time you’ ve tried before, you’ ve lost.  It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away.  I think lovin...

I don't understand it.  And I know that I'm not meant to understand everything.  I know that I am incapable of seeing the big picture.  I'm desperately trying to trust you completely.  I want to believe, but please help my unbelief. I know that I don't deserve anything.  Everything I have, everything I am, is only because you are a gracious father who wishes to bestow good upon me.   Forgive me for being selfish and bratty.  I know that things could be worse and that there are many, many others who's plight is 100 times more devastating than anything I could imagine. It doesn't stop my heart from aching but it lessens the pain.   You ultimately are the only one I need, the only one that can make me better.  I stand in awe of Your grace and love.  I'm amazed by You. The only thing I have to offer You today are my tears and my life.  It's not much, especially compared to Your greatness, but I give it anyway.  But the most amazing thing is that You find my...

For the past 5-6 years I've slept on 2 mattresses. I wanted my bed to be soft and cushy so that I just sunk into it. That was all good, but now, my back hurts. Guess my age is catching up with me. Anyways, I asked for a box springs mattress for Christmas. For unimportant reasons, I got the box springs today. I laid on the bed, and it was hard and well, felt like a regular bed. Guess that's how I've been living my life for a while. I wanted everything to be soft and cushy and fun and youthful. But life is catching up with me, and grown up life is plain and hard at times. I'm realizing that it doesn't matter that I still feel like I'm 16; I'm not. I'm an adult, and I have to play by adult rules. I don't get a free pass from bills or dumb bosses or stupid guys because I don't look my age. This isn't a fuss or a pity party. I'm not crying about the situation. I'm just waking up to reality and pulling up my big girl pantie...

My body waved the white flag this weekend.  It's been a stressful, emotional, and tiring past few months.  So Saturday, it was quitting time.  I went to bed feeling pretty miserable Saturday, and Sunday morning I was in the throws of a full blown sinus infection.   I would like to proudly state that it has been a year and 2 months since my last visit to the doctor for a sinus infection.  But today when my doctor took a look at my throat, she stepped back and said " Ew , that is pretty bad!"  I got a shot and some antibiotics, so I'll be right as rain in a few days. As for taking a break, well, I can sleep when I'm dead, right? The stress part is not all my fault.  Things at school have been pretty crazy.  Professionally, I shouldn't discuss it with the blogosphere .  I'll just say we've been dealing with break-ins, vandalism, fights, sheriffs , expulsions, and new security cameras.  I'm not concerned for my safety or the safety of my students reall...

If you feel the need to gossip and "vent", go to your room and scream.  Then beat your head up against the wall several times until you pass out.  After that, you won't remember what it was you needed to gossip about! :)

Ignorance is bliss.   I'm not exactly sure who first coined the phrase, most likely the poet Thomas Grey .  But I'm finding that it's a pretty accurate statement, at least lately.   The less one knows, the less one stresses, the less worry, the less is required of her.  Sometimes I wish I didn't know all the things I know.  Sometimes I wish I didn't hear the rumors that I hear.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't privy to all the information about people that I know. When you know things, you have to react.  At least I do.  I'm not one who sits by idly.  As hard as I wished I could at times, I can't.  Then when I can't change things, I get frustrated.  Life would be so much easier, if I could just tend to me and no one else.  I know that isn't how things work, and I know that no man is an island, but I think things would be a lot smoother. I wished I didn't care sometimes.  I wish I could just turn my emotions off and not feel.  Sometimes feeling is j...

"For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything." -- Alex Karev , Grey's Anatomy

“In my sealed world, a problem person who crossed over to the outside was briefly mourned and soon forgotten: an enemy all knew how to handle. They stood away from such a person. But a problem person who chose for whatever reason to remain inside became a feared and troubling liability, and ultimately a demonic presence. They didn't know how to relate to you, because you were inside and outside simultaneously; you blurred the lines of separation; they didn't know what to tell their children.” - Chaim Potok

There have been times where I've sat down at my computer, blogged my heart out, and walked away feeling 100% better.  Many times my problems have been solved staring at this blogger screen.  However, I've found that sometimes, no matter how much I dissect and discuss, the situation doesn't make sense and doesn't get better.  So I come back time and time again to write it all out and see if the therapy works.   Tonight, I find it doesn't. Life is hard....and it only gets harder.  Just when you think you have it all figured out, and you know your purpose, things get cloudy.  I guess in my naive youth I thought after college I would have it all figured out, and for a while, I suppose I did.  Then suddenly, here I am out of college, with a career, and still as clueless as ever as to what I want out of life. I guess what scares me is will I ever be satisfied? Will I ever finally get it all figured out and be happy with it?  Will I feel the need to change, to move, to rei...

It's hard to be positive when  it's so easy to be negative.  But I'm going to force myself!  Here's the good things that have gone on this week.... I got paid $50.00 this week for helping out my friend.  I'm not sure if that's pay for the month or the week or just whenever, but it certainly did help out!  God has really blessed with opening this avenue up for me. I had a mini-talk with Mr. Amazing.  Things are better though not ideal.  But then again, when has anything been ideal for me?  He's busy and stressed but not dropping off the face of the planet.  That will do for now. I've decided to go back to school.  It'll be this summer before I can begin because I've got to take my GRE , get accepted to Grad School, and apply for a fellowship to pay for the schooling.  I'll still be teaching while going to school, so it'll take a couple of years, but I'm up for it.  I miss intelligent conversation and discussion but I'm sure it'...

My brother invited a few people over last night to watch the Kimbo Slice fight .  I'm not a follower of UFC or MMA , but when I catch it on or see it live, I do find it interesting.  There has been huge publicity about Kimbo especially because of his YouTube fights, and so I decided to stay up and catch the fight with everyone else.   Kimbo's fight was the main event so we had to watch the other 2 hours of non-important people fight first.  My eyes were getting heavy but I had made it this long.  I had to see the action.   2 hours for 14 seconds!  Yep, Kimbo got his tail kicked in 14 seconds.  Might I add that it was by some no name guy who was smaller than Kimbo and was picked last minute to fight him when his original opponent Shamrock was ineligible because of a cut over his eye. Like I said, I don't know a lot about MMA fighting, but because Kimbo didn't even FIGHT BACK...the match was called and some Steve guy won by TKO.  Couldn't believe it.   Kimbo ...

A tiny light has busted through the cracks of my financial cave. I made an offer to a friend today, not expecting anything in return.  I was simply just trying to do a good deed and help her out.  She offered to pay me a little for my efforts.  So not only is she getting helped out but she'll be helping me out by giving me a little cash once a week.  It's not a fortune but every little bit helps! It's not that I don't think God will come through, I just stress on how long it takes him to get there. Although His time is perfect, He can still make a girl sweat.