Originally Unoriginal

The Everyday Stuff How exciting!  The cardinals won the World Series.  I know you are happy about that. So you know you told me about that movie "Mud" they are filming in Arkansas.  Well Matthew McConaughey is staying at Harlow's!!  They guy of my dreams, well besides you of course, is only 10 minutes away from me!! I'm really upset about my mom.  Will you just give me a hug and tell me everything is going to be ok. The Major Stuff This break up is stupid.  Your miserable, I'm miserable.  Why can't we just end the misery and be together? It's not fair that you can break up with me and with that decision take people that I really care about out of my life as well.  This isn't just about you and me.  It's about your family and your church family that I have grown to love.  I miss them too! One of the girls from your church even posted on my FB page that she missed me.  Why can everyone see this but you? Why can't we work th...

I am in complete and utter confusion.  I am frustrated, tired, and stressed.  Every aspect of my life seems messed up, and I have question upon question with no answers. And I am the first one to admit that things could be WAY worse.  However, my pain is still real, my predicaments are still confusing, and I still feel at a complete loss as to what direction to take. And the biggest problem is that almost every situation is beyond my control.  I don't have a say in anything.  I can't make someone love me that doesn't.  I can't make sick people better.  I can't make test scores jump to miraculous heights.  I can't make things make sense. And I'm angry.  I'm not cursing-God-angry; I'm confused-angry.  I'm I-can't-take-one-more-step-until-you-answer-me-angry.  And so I wait, but I feel as though the longer I wait, the more complicated it gets.  I'm just ready for an answer, a sign, a confirmation that I'm still on the righ...

So I'm dealing with some personal issues, and as I do when I need to think things through, I turned to my blog. It was actually so encouraging to read past posts and see how God had answered prayers and how things that I thought were impossible, became possible. It left me encouraged, almost completely encouraged.  So much encouraged that I am almost positive that the issues are soon to resolve.  And that scares me a little.  It seems crazy to go from a complete mess to an over-positive hopeful in the matter of a day.  So I'm trying to balance keeping low expectations so that I don't get my feelings hurt even worst and making positive things happen to positive thinkers. I want to name it and claim it, while I'm also thinking, don't say something that is gonna make you look like a fool later. So I'm holding on and being hopeful, while not being too hopeful.  I'm sure hoping the hopeful side wins.

I've learned that one way or another, you will have to face some issues in your life.  There are insecurities, flaws, imperfections that we all have.  We are aware of them.  But they aren't always present, and we can hide them so deep that during the good times, you forget about them completely.  But as soon as the trouble comes, the pesky problems rear their ugly heads.  Sometimes you have enough strength to push them back down into their hiding place and act as if nothing happened.  Sometimes, you just don't have the strength to hide it anymore. And so eventually, like it or not, you have to face the demons.  I had to face some insecurities about myself.  But the only way I knew to handle it was to take it to the Lord.  My strength was gone, but thankfully, in my weakness, He is strong!  I sat down and had a heart to heart.  Then I said...ok God, here are these insecurities....get 'em good! As I prayed, I began to ask God "Why...

Today I woke up with some sad things on my mind, and I was fighting a small dose of depression. I sat down on the floor in my room as I tied my shoes, swallowing back tears, and whispered up a prayer. "God I'm gonna gonna need your strength to make it today, more so than normal." I read my daily scripture and meditated on the thought that I move, breathe, and exist only in Christ. I made it to school determined not to focus on my lack but on my blessings. It didn't take long for God to show up and answer my prayer. By the time I made it to the first class period of the day, God said "Let me show you how GREAT I am!!" There is a girl at our school who found out when she was in 8 th grade that she had tumors on her spine. She had the tumors removed and was then placed in a wheelchair due to some paralysis. She's now in 10 th grade and found out that the cancer had spread to her brain. She simply said "They got it off my spine; they can get i...

I figured it was time to end it all. Even though the fire was out, I should just throw some more water on it. Kill off any remaining embers in case a random breeze would fuel them again. Was it coincidence that thought came to me almost simultaneously as your news came to you? While my dreams died, yours were born. Yet I've come to learn that the dreams of today are not always the dreams of tomorrow. And although mine may have ended for now, new ones will rise. Someone said something recently that I never thought about before. If you tell someone that you trust him to complete a task, yet you constantly pester him about getting the job done and ask how the task is coming, is it really trust? It seems like you are still trying to keep control and don't trust that the man is truly capable of completing the job without you. So while I feel like things are falling apart, I am trying to remember to truly trust. I'm not going to ask why a million times or ask when the job wi...

Forgiveness is a funny thing. Sometimes it's so easy, while other times, it seems impossible. I know women that forgive men that hurt them or abuse them, but will hold a grudge against a girl-friend for years. Why do we do that? How do we hold on to certain things, and let other things go? There was once a guy who did tons of stupid things to me, yet I always seemed to find a way to forgive him. Perhaps it was just plain ole stupidity. Maybe, we easily forgive those that we are scared to lose. Perhaps we easily forgive those because we are scared not to forgive them. Either way, it seems pretty messed up. I'm in a current situation, where I know I have to forgive, and for the most part, feel like I have. However, this forgiveness doesn't feel the same as usual. I can't seem to easily pass it off and embrace the ones I forgave. Quite the opposite, I want to stay far, far away from the entire situation. Some may say it isn't true forgiveness; some may say I ...

The following was written about me just a few days ago by someone who stumbled upon my blog. I must admit, it is a bit frightening how accurate it is! If you are interested, go and check out more of his writings -- allIhaveIstheseWords She loves God and she loves Jesus And she always tries to sport rosy glasses She’ll stand by for that guy, but why does it seem he won’t make it? They say good things come to those who wait But those good things don’t seem to wait for her She wonders late at night if the effort’s worth it Losing faith in man but not in the man above She wants what every girl wants and that’s just to be loved After disappointment from so many opportunities I’ll never forget one night what she said to me I want to feel alive I want a love that’s all mine I want vindication I want my sunrise Tomorrows are never ending Today is misery’s disguise I’m tired of waiting wondering why I’m leaving now to find my sunrise Unanswered calls and unanswered prayers Her world keeps spi...

I was looking for a scripture and came across this excellent version of Lamentations 3. It comes from The Message . I remember very well moments when I felt like I had hit rock bottom. What an excellent reminder to keep hope alive! I gave up on life altogether. I've forgotten what the good life is like. I said to myself, "This is it. I'm finished. God is a lost cause." I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the wo...

It's been almost a year since I've written anything. Lately I've had a lot of people ask me about my blog, and even today I received an email from someone who had stumbled upon my blog. I started writing this as a creative outlet, and it turned into therapy for me. I never thought it would become anything anyone else would care about. Perhaps it was helpful to others. But despite it's original intentions, it was helpful to me, and it's been helpful to read all the CRAZINESS I've been through. Sometimes it's good to see how I've matured in the past 5 years, and then, how somethings never change. And so here I am, writing again. Sharing something that may help someone, but really just chronically another event in my life that I may want to remember in the years to come. I went on a cruise back in October, and I was determined to see a sunrise on the ocean horizon. So the last day of the cruise, I woke my mom up at 6:30, we threw on some clothes and wen...

You were suppose to be "the one." You were suppose to love me forever. You were the one who was suppose to make me forget all of my fears. I had my doubts along the way, but you always proved me wrong. Then out of the blue, you showed me why I was scared. You lived up to all of those doubts. Just when I was almost healed, you broke me again. And I'm just suppose to move on....to forget? And it's suppose to be for my good? To spare me? Because I deserve better? You were the better. You were what I wanted. If loneliness and pain is better...I'll take worse any day. How am I to act as if you no longer exist. How am I suppose to stop caring in the matter of a second? How am I to delete your name, your number, your memory? I can't do that. I can't un-love you. But unfortunately, you've left me no choice but to try...and it's an impossible task.

Jesus and I sat and had an intense conversation today. It was good to have the time to just sit down and enjoy talking with him without feeling rushed. Grad school and a full time job doesn't offer a ton of down time. But during our time together, he impressed upon me a scripture "Yet he slay me, yet will I trust Him." I know the verse; I know what it means, but for the first time, I let the weight of those words really sink in. I have a hard time with trust, and to apply this verse to my life, the real truth of this verse, is a bit overwhelming. When I pray this verse, I'm saying "God, even if all my hopes and ambitions and dreams are never fulfilled, even if I never get what I want, even if everything in my life falls apart, I will still trust that God has it under control." Do we really realize how heavy that is?? That's trust beyond my imagination. I know that God wants me to trust Him that much. And I'm learning. But something else I rea...

I just need someone to tell me what to do. I need them to make the decision for me that I can't seem to make on my own. Every time I think I have made up my mind, I become doubtful yet again. I just need to sit down and have a good cry, and I'm sure by the time I post this blog, I will have had it. I'm just stressed. Completely, utterly, worn slap out. I teach plus grad school plus extra-curricular activities with school plus training for the class I am currently teaching. Through school, sleep, and Jesus in there and there isn't a free minute. And the world keeps spinning, and people don't stop having their lives because my life is busy. And I feel left out. Lately, I haven't been able to connect with anyone or anything. I feel so useless and worthless. I feel unlovable, as if no one will ever really be able to accept the real me. And whether these things are true or not...it's how I feel right now and it's all a bit overwhelming.

I just received extremely sad new; a former student of mine was killed instantly in a car crash earlier today. She was on my yearbook staff a couple of years ago and was one of the students that I was closest too, even after graduation. She texted me and kept in touch via Facebook . I saw her with her boyfriend at a softball game last week. She let me borrow her pony tail holder. I meant to get it back to her soon. This is the 3rd student/former student that has passed away since school started in August. It's hard for me as a teacher to see life end so tragically, so abruptly. They aren't suppose to die. They are teenagers. But here I am, creating memorials for these students to put in the upcoming yearbook. Here we are comforting students who have lost their brother, sister, and friends.

I am sorry for the long delay between blog posts. Who knew life would get so busy? But, alas, I have scheduled time to write to those faithful followers that are left! So a quick run-down of what has been going on in my life lately: Grad school has been kicking my butt...so I kicked back! Scored a 102 on my first Intro to Counseling class and a 100 on my first counseling video! It's requiring a lot of work, but I'm managing. I may only take 1 class next semester because Spring Semester is usually my busiest at school. We'll see how it works. I may have conquered my problem of procrastination...least for now. With everything on my plate (2 grad classes, 1 online training, monthly face to face training, etc) I can't afford to get behind. I've been doing a great job of staying on top of the game, if I do say so myself. I got a DOG! He's a 2 year old Yorkie who is house trained and use to apartment life. Between my brother and I, I am sure we can manage hi...

My favorite line from the Alanis Morissette '90's hit, "Ironic", is "It's like meeting the man of your dreams....then meeting his beautiful wife..." So with that opening line, you know that there is a back story , right. Here it comes. My mom just underwent some serious surgery this week, and praise be to God, she is doing well and will be coming back home tomorrow. As a result of the surgery, I was sending out mass text messages to just about every contact in my cell to keep everyone updated. After the 3rd or 4 th text, finally declaring that mom was awake and doing well, I got a text from Good, Ole Boy asking "Did you take off work today?" So I texted back and said "No, I had grad school this afternoon, and mom refused to let me miss my 2 nd class." And that, my blogfriends , was the entire conversation. I was never asked how she was neither was I told he was glad she was ok . Simply a random question with no purpose or re...

I was just about to pop the top on the "Whine" and commence into a nice pity party. I was done wrong, I deserve better, and life just isn't fair. Then an uninvited guest showed up and busted up the party....the truth! Perhaps I wasn't so innocent after all. I will give myself that I wasn't alone in the wrongdoing. I was definitely done wrong! However, I was just as guilty. I jumped to conclusions, assumed the worst, and ran with my assumptions. Being wronged doesn't justify bad thoughts, ill-feelings, or rude words. The situation should have been handled completely differently and perhaps would have spared a lot of drama and hurt feelings. I suppose I was too caught up with expecting the worst that I made it up all on my own. And knowing my actions would be found guilty in court may not change the future, it does change the present me. So today I sucked up my pride and self-righteous behavior. I put away the whine and party supplies and went straigh...

Well today was the first day of school. I know....WAY TOO EARLY! People here in the MS Delta haven't figured out that most people don't start until Labor Day. Oh well, we will survive. Today was actually a great first day. I am teaching a new class for both me and the school, Information and Communication Technology 1 ( ICT 1). I'm really excited about teaching computers and typing and all the cool gadgets I get for my room. The only set back is that my equipment hasn't come in yet. So I'm teaching a Technology class without Technology! It should be in soon, and I have several things to do before we even need to begin with the computers. Besides starting this new class, I'll be attending 2 grad classes on the 19 th . I am going to begin work on my Master's in School Counseling. I'm a bit nervous about handling the workload of teaching and learning, but I think I'm going to be able to balance it all. Perhaps it's for the best I'm n...

One day I'm going to log into blogger and write this great post on how everything is going my way and how I've found the love of my life. One day, things are going to work in my favor and there will be no drama or trauma. Unfortunately, today isn't that day. One of my old students accidentally shot and killed his best friend, another former student of mine. They were going into the 10 th grade. I can't even fathom what that poor boy and the family of the deceased child is going through. I can't imagine how terrified and sad and angry and confused they must be. And all I can muster is, thank God I'm not having to deal with that kind of sadness. Good, ole boy is totally out of the picture. Why is not an issue I'm going to discuss here in the blogosphere , but it didn't work out. I know that I was extremely confused about how he made me feel, but part of that was fear to get too attached because I was afraid, just like every other guy, he would wa...

This independent film company is making a movie here in town. It's called The Dynamiter . They've been filming around town, using all local people. And today, they were filming at the school. Well I had to head up to the school today and teach the new teachers how to work the grading software, school email, etc. So I got to hang out with some of the film crew while I was waiting to teach my workshop. It didn't take me long until I was chit-chatting with producers and the directors. Who cares if it's a small budget film that will just be shown at film festivals. This is fun stuff! (Although I wouldn't have minded a hot actor or 2. Too bad the lead guy is a 15 year old!) So towards the end of the day, one of the producers came into the office and asked if someone could read 2 lines over the intercom for one of the scenes. Well being the intercom whore that I am, I quickly agreed. So my voice will be in the movie! After a little while, the producer and his...