Originally Unoriginal

The following was written about me just a few days ago by someone who stumbled upon my blog. I must admit, it is a bit frightening how accurate it is! If you are interested, go and check out more of his writings -- allIhaveIstheseWords She loves God and she loves Jesus And she always tries to sport rosy glasses She’ll stand by for that guy, but why does it seem he won’t make it? They say good things come to those who wait But those good things don’t seem to wait for her She wonders late at night if the effort’s worth it Losing faith in man but not in the man above She wants what every girl wants and that’s just to be loved After disappointment from so many opportunities I’ll never forget one night what she said to me I want to feel alive I want a love that’s all mine I want vindication I want my sunrise Tomorrows are never ending Today is misery’s disguise I’m tired of waiting wondering why I’m leaving now to find my sunrise Unanswered calls and unanswered prayers Her world keeps spi...

I was looking for a scripture and came across this excellent version of Lamentations 3. It comes from The Message . I remember very well moments when I felt like I had hit rock bottom. What an excellent reminder to keep hope alive! I gave up on life altogether. I've forgotten what the good life is like. I said to myself, "This is it. I'm finished. God is a lost cause." I'll never forget the trouble, the utter lostness, the taste of ashes, the poison I've swallowed. I remember it all—oh, how well I remember— the feeling of hitting the bottom. But there's one other thing I remember, and remembering, I keep a grip on hope: God's loyal love couldn't have run out, his merciful love couldn't have dried up. They're created new every morning. How great your faithfulness! I'm sticking with God (I say it over and over). He's all I've got left. God proves to be good to the man who passionately waits, to the wo...

It's been almost a year since I've written anything. Lately I've had a lot of people ask me about my blog, and even today I received an email from someone who had stumbled upon my blog. I started writing this as a creative outlet, and it turned into therapy for me. I never thought it would become anything anyone else would care about. Perhaps it was helpful to others. But despite it's original intentions, it was helpful to me, and it's been helpful to read all the CRAZINESS I've been through. Sometimes it's good to see how I've matured in the past 5 years, and then, how somethings never change. And so here I am, writing again. Sharing something that may help someone, but really just chronically another event in my life that I may want to remember in the years to come. I went on a cruise back in October, and I was determined to see a sunrise on the ocean horizon. So the last day of the cruise, I woke my mom up at 6:30, we threw on some clothes and wen...

You were suppose to be "the one." You were suppose to love me forever. You were the one who was suppose to make me forget all of my fears. I had my doubts along the way, but you always proved me wrong. Then out of the blue, you showed me why I was scared. You lived up to all of those doubts. Just when I was almost healed, you broke me again. And I'm just suppose to move on....to forget? And it's suppose to be for my good? To spare me? Because I deserve better? You were the better. You were what I wanted. If loneliness and pain is better...I'll take worse any day. How am I to act as if you no longer exist. How am I suppose to stop caring in the matter of a second? How am I to delete your name, your number, your memory? I can't do that. I can't un-love you. But unfortunately, you've left me no choice but to try...and it's an impossible task.

Jesus and I sat and had an intense conversation today. It was good to have the time to just sit down and enjoy talking with him without feeling rushed. Grad school and a full time job doesn't offer a ton of down time. But during our time together, he impressed upon me a scripture "Yet he slay me, yet will I trust Him." I know the verse; I know what it means, but for the first time, I let the weight of those words really sink in. I have a hard time with trust, and to apply this verse to my life, the real truth of this verse, is a bit overwhelming. When I pray this verse, I'm saying "God, even if all my hopes and ambitions and dreams are never fulfilled, even if I never get what I want, even if everything in my life falls apart, I will still trust that God has it under control." Do we really realize how heavy that is?? That's trust beyond my imagination. I know that God wants me to trust Him that much. And I'm learning. But something else I rea...

I just need someone to tell me what to do. I need them to make the decision for me that I can't seem to make on my own. Every time I think I have made up my mind, I become doubtful yet again. I just need to sit down and have a good cry, and I'm sure by the time I post this blog, I will have had it. I'm just stressed. Completely, utterly, worn slap out. I teach plus grad school plus extra-curricular activities with school plus training for the class I am currently teaching. Through school, sleep, and Jesus in there and there isn't a free minute. And the world keeps spinning, and people don't stop having their lives because my life is busy. And I feel left out. Lately, I haven't been able to connect with anyone or anything. I feel so useless and worthless. I feel unlovable, as if no one will ever really be able to accept the real me. And whether these things are true or not...it's how I feel right now and it's all a bit overwhelming.

I just received extremely sad new; a former student of mine was killed instantly in a car crash earlier today. She was on my yearbook staff a couple of years ago and was one of the students that I was closest too, even after graduation. She texted me and kept in touch via Facebook . I saw her with her boyfriend at a softball game last week. She let me borrow her pony tail holder. I meant to get it back to her soon. This is the 3rd student/former student that has passed away since school started in August. It's hard for me as a teacher to see life end so tragically, so abruptly. They aren't suppose to die. They are teenagers. But here I am, creating memorials for these students to put in the upcoming yearbook. Here we are comforting students who have lost their brother, sister, and friends.

I am sorry for the long delay between blog posts. Who knew life would get so busy? But, alas, I have scheduled time to write to those faithful followers that are left! So a quick run-down of what has been going on in my life lately: Grad school has been kicking my butt...so I kicked back! Scored a 102 on my first Intro to Counseling class and a 100 on my first counseling video! It's requiring a lot of work, but I'm managing. I may only take 1 class next semester because Spring Semester is usually my busiest at school. We'll see how it works. I may have conquered my problem of procrastination...least for now. With everything on my plate (2 grad classes, 1 online training, monthly face to face training, etc) I can't afford to get behind. I've been doing a great job of staying on top of the game, if I do say so myself. I got a DOG! He's a 2 year old Yorkie who is house trained and use to apartment life. Between my brother and I, I am sure we can manage hi...

My favorite line from the Alanis Morissette '90's hit, "Ironic", is "It's like meeting the man of your dreams....then meeting his beautiful wife..." So with that opening line, you know that there is a back story , right. Here it comes. My mom just underwent some serious surgery this week, and praise be to God, she is doing well and will be coming back home tomorrow. As a result of the surgery, I was sending out mass text messages to just about every contact in my cell to keep everyone updated. After the 3rd or 4 th text, finally declaring that mom was awake and doing well, I got a text from Good, Ole Boy asking "Did you take off work today?" So I texted back and said "No, I had grad school this afternoon, and mom refused to let me miss my 2 nd class." And that, my blogfriends , was the entire conversation. I was never asked how she was neither was I told he was glad she was ok . Simply a random question with no purpose or re...

I was just about to pop the top on the "Whine" and commence into a nice pity party. I was done wrong, I deserve better, and life just isn't fair. Then an uninvited guest showed up and busted up the party....the truth! Perhaps I wasn't so innocent after all. I will give myself that I wasn't alone in the wrongdoing. I was definitely done wrong! However, I was just as guilty. I jumped to conclusions, assumed the worst, and ran with my assumptions. Being wronged doesn't justify bad thoughts, ill-feelings, or rude words. The situation should have been handled completely differently and perhaps would have spared a lot of drama and hurt feelings. I suppose I was too caught up with expecting the worst that I made it up all on my own. And knowing my actions would be found guilty in court may not change the future, it does change the present me. So today I sucked up my pride and self-righteous behavior. I put away the whine and party supplies and went straigh...

Well today was the first day of school. I know....WAY TOO EARLY! People here in the MS Delta haven't figured out that most people don't start until Labor Day. Oh well, we will survive. Today was actually a great first day. I am teaching a new class for both me and the school, Information and Communication Technology 1 ( ICT 1). I'm really excited about teaching computers and typing and all the cool gadgets I get for my room. The only set back is that my equipment hasn't come in yet. So I'm teaching a Technology class without Technology! It should be in soon, and I have several things to do before we even need to begin with the computers. Besides starting this new class, I'll be attending 2 grad classes on the 19 th . I am going to begin work on my Master's in School Counseling. I'm a bit nervous about handling the workload of teaching and learning, but I think I'm going to be able to balance it all. Perhaps it's for the best I'm n...

One day I'm going to log into blogger and write this great post on how everything is going my way and how I've found the love of my life. One day, things are going to work in my favor and there will be no drama or trauma. Unfortunately, today isn't that day. One of my old students accidentally shot and killed his best friend, another former student of mine. They were going into the 10 th grade. I can't even fathom what that poor boy and the family of the deceased child is going through. I can't imagine how terrified and sad and angry and confused they must be. And all I can muster is, thank God I'm not having to deal with that kind of sadness. Good, ole boy is totally out of the picture. Why is not an issue I'm going to discuss here in the blogosphere , but it didn't work out. I know that I was extremely confused about how he made me feel, but part of that was fear to get too attached because I was afraid, just like every other guy, he would wa...

This independent film company is making a movie here in town. It's called The Dynamiter . They've been filming around town, using all local people. And today, they were filming at the school. Well I had to head up to the school today and teach the new teachers how to work the grading software, school email, etc. So I got to hang out with some of the film crew while I was waiting to teach my workshop. It didn't take me long until I was chit-chatting with producers and the directors. Who cares if it's a small budget film that will just be shown at film festivals. This is fun stuff! (Although I wouldn't have minded a hot actor or 2. Too bad the lead guy is a 15 year old!) So towards the end of the day, one of the producers came into the office and asked if someone could read 2 lines over the intercom for one of the scenes. Well being the intercom whore that I am, I quickly agreed. So my voice will be in the movie! After a little while, the producer and his...

Lying to yourself is less painful than having someone else lie to you. And so we lie because it’s easier that way. And after a while you believe the lie, and you forget you were ever lying in the first place. And because you’ ve lived it so long, and with such passion, everyone believes it is the truth. And possibly, the lie has become the truth. Having no heart is less painful than having a broken heart. It’s much easier to not deal with it at all then risk the chance of things getting shattered and bruised. And so you build a wall or disengage it, or do whatever is necessary to make it not function. And again, people see this as the real you. The machine that is invincible, resilient. But you know the truth…and so you lie to yourself until you believe it is the truth. And you live your life, never quite certain what is really the truth and what is really the lie. And because you can’t believe yourself, you don’t believe others either. You analyze their words and actions b...

Dad, Mom, and I went on a very quick trip to Baton Rouge Wednesday and Thursday. We had a nice time shopping and eating! (I overruled and got to pick most of the places to go!) After a late lunch at Olive Garden, we set out on our way home. But we weren't aware of the adventurous trip home it would be! Not too far out of town, I had the sudden urge to pee. (Not surprising, considering the Starbucks coffee and 2 raspberry lemonades I had to drink earlier.) Dad, being the annoying man he is, said that he wasn't going to stop, but alas, pulled in to a McDonald's. As I was running back out to the car, dad began to pull out of the parking spot, and I noticed a huge spot of fresh car gunk/liquid where the car had just been. "Uh, I sure hope that's not coming out of our car!" I told Dad. "Doesn't look like oil." Dad replied. " Hmm , you think it's transmission fluid?" I questioned. Dad got out, looked under the car, and sure en...

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One day I opened up my inbox to an interesting email. A woman named Kaycee Jane (I love that name by the way) had written a book and asked if I would ready it and do a review on my blog. Well being the reader that I am, and seeing as the book's topic is definitely an interest of mine, I happily agreed. I am a bit sorry that it has taken me so long to actually do what I promised, but as all of you readers have already realized, I'm also better late than never with my work! Frog or Prince? The Smart Girl's Guide to Boyfriends by Kaycee Jane! This book presents a very systematic way of analyzing the current guy you are with to see if he's a Frog or a Prince. Simple as that! There are charts, check lists, and quizzes to help you discover whether the "issues" you are having with your significant other are things you can compromise on or whether they are deal breakers. Obviously, many things discussed in this book are no brainers . Girls, we know that if...

I still haven't received word about the Teacher Fellowship. The State of Mississippi has possibly gotten their act together and signed the budget just in the nick of time. So hopefully, I'll know something regarding money next week! I went ahead and met with my advisor to discuss scheduling options in case the grant comes through. (Even if it doesn't , I'm gonna try and make it all work.) The School Counseling program is a 60 hour program, and if I take 2 classes a semester plus summer school I can finish everything in 3 calendar years. That works perfectly because the Teacher Fellowship only allows you 3 years. But there are some catches... The classes I need for the first semester are only offered at 3:30 and 6:00 PM. The University is 45 minutes away from where I teach. That means, the school is going to have to give me the last period of the day free so that I can leave at 2:00 once a week to make it to my classes. However, I can take both classes in 1 day...

I really have been trying hard! Honestly! I've actually been wanting it to work. But the skepticism inside of me just keeps rearing its ugly, little head. I think he's been a bit shady lately. And I know that I can be totally taking this way overboard, but it's just not all adding up. Seeing as that my track record hasn't been the greatest when it comes to guys, I have to be extra careful. I don't want to get to attached and then it all come crumbling down, like normal. And I know some precious person out there in the blogosphere is saying, "You shouldn't be so negative, etc." But, yes I should! When every guy I've ever liked has been shady or non- committal or just a plain jerk, well, being too cautious is probably my best bet! So maybe, I won't have to find anything wrong with him. Perhaps I won't have to decide if I really like him. Maybe he'll decide he doesn't like me first....maybe he already has?

One of my good friends passed away Wednesday night. He was 27 years old. He had a 3 year old son. I was making plans to go visit him and his wife next month in Texas. Now he's gone...just like that. It makes me think about the importance of life, and how at any moment, those we love can be taken away from us without any warning. It makes you remember that life is more than work, school, and responsibilities. It's about making memories and spending time with those we love. Unfortunately , we don't always remember to do that until it's too late. I'm gonna miss the fact he isn't there to offer encouragment or ask me about my latest hairstyle. But I know he's with the Father...and there is no better place to be!