Originally Unoriginal

I really have been trying hard! Honestly! I've actually been wanting it to work. But the skepticism inside of me just keeps rearing its ugly, little head. I think he's been a bit shady lately. And I know that I can be totally taking this way overboard, but it's just not all adding up. Seeing as that my track record hasn't been the greatest when it comes to guys, I have to be extra careful. I don't want to get to attached and then it all come crumbling down, like normal. And I know some precious person out there in the blogosphere is saying, "You shouldn't be so negative, etc." But, yes I should! When every guy I've ever liked has been shady or non- committal or just a plain jerk, well, being too cautious is probably my best bet! So maybe, I won't have to find anything wrong with him. Perhaps I won't have to decide if I really like him. Maybe he'll decide he doesn't like me first....maybe he already has?

One of my good friends passed away Wednesday night. He was 27 years old. He had a 3 year old son. I was making plans to go visit him and his wife next month in Texas. Now he's gone...just like that. It makes me think about the importance of life, and how at any moment, those we love can be taken away from us without any warning. It makes you remember that life is more than work, school, and responsibilities. It's about making memories and spending time with those we love. Unfortunately , we don't always remember to do that until it's too late. I'm gonna miss the fact he isn't there to offer encouragment or ask me about my latest hairstyle. But I know he's with the Father...and there is no better place to be!

I don't like him today. Today I wanted to pick a fight. He gave me a couple of chances. I know he didn't mean to, he had no idea he was doing it, but I wanted to argue and tell him how dumb he was. I wanted to tell him that he doesn't know me at all so quit pretending that he does and quit assuming things about me. But it was all via text and he's out of town and well it's just not worth it. I'm wishing guys would drop off the face of the planet right about now!

He's growing on me. That's all I can really say about any developments with Good, Ole Boy. He is a fabulously great guy with his only flaws as of now being his " countryness " and that he works a lot. But then again, I suppose the fact that he's work driven is not necessarily a bad thing. I have had a couple of very good conversations with him that greatly impacted my impression of him for the better. But let's not go around slinging titles around; there is no commitment yet! In other news, I am going camping again next weekend. This will be our 2 nd annual summer camping trip with my good buddies from church. We are all super pumped about our adventure. We had such a blast last time, creating memories tha t, thanks to our fearless Camping Guide, are written down in not only pen and paper, but typed via Myspace and Facebook ! So even if we wanted to forget, we can't. And now millions of others are able to read it and laugh at us as well!! Besi...

...often go awry! Now, spiritually I would say to that...."Yes, our plans often go awry, but God's plan is always perfect." And I know in my heart that is completely, correct. However my flesh says, "sometimes my plan seems really good, and it would be great if God would go with it. Or at least give a girl a head's up!" Here's the deal. MY plans were to apply for this teacher fellowship that would pay for my grad school tuition. I would take a class each semester and then load up in the summer. I would be done in 3 years and also be done with the sign-on commitment to teach in MS for 3 years. I would be free to do and go wherever with my educational counseling masters after that! Of course everyone assured me I would be a shoe-in! Well it seems that the deadline is here to announce the fellows for the upcoming school year, and I haven't heard jack. Now, this could possibly be that my nice state congressmen have yet to approve the budget fo...

That's the question I've been asking myself the past 2 days. My conclusion...pretty jacked up! So last week I met a guy at my cousin's wedding. I know his family, was introduced to him, and had a great time chatting it up and dancing the night away. We're talking about a good looking guy that's really got his act together. He owns his own business plus has another job, building his own house, never been married, no kids. A stand up guy here. He doesn't drink, goes to church every Sunday, and educated. He sounds like everything I've been looking for. Did I mention that he lives here so it wouldn't be a long distance thing? I could go on and on...opens the door for me, orders for me, gets me a drink just because I look thirsty, throws away my trash. So my question is, why in the world am I looking for something to be wrong ?? I am nit-picking everything to death. Most of the things that I am not a fan of are such small things like...he's got...

I must say I just had the most relaxing 4 days of my life. Mom and I left Monday morning to spend a few days at a friend's beach house. Tuesday morning, I woke up, shaved, brushed my teeth, put on my swimming suit, grabbed a towel, bottled water, sunscreen and a book and headed outside to the beach. I literally laid in the sun from 8 am - 4 pm. I read, I prayed, I mediated, I watched other people. I cleared my mind completely. It was a total brain detox. I didn't worry about anyone or anything from home. I didn't have to deal with any leftover drama. I didn't worry about any guys texting or calling. It may have been the only time in my life I was completely mellowed out. Counting mom and I, there were 6 ladies in the house. None of us had a schedule. We all laid around. We all agreed on places to eat, places to shop, and for the rest of the time we read, laughed, sang Motown hits, and danced in the kitchen. This mini-vacation was just what I needed!

So the beginning of last week was pretty rough. I had a whole melt down concerning Mr. Amazing. Out of the blue, early one morning, when I should have been sleeping, I got this sick, nervous feeling about him. I began praying about the situation and just felt an overwhelming feeling to forget all about him and leave the whole situation alone. Well of course that frustrated me because that wasn't what I wanted to do. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I wanted God's will to be my will, and in this case, that wasn't happening. But by the end of the week, I felt confident that I could do it. I've made no contact, and when he did finally text me, I was nice but short. As my friend said, "must be pretty difficult breaking up with someone you aren't dating?" And I think he's right. It would be a little weird for me to text and say out of the blue, "I don't want to be your friend with benefits anymore." But I'm thinking he...

...the rest of my life to go! I'm patting myself and God on the back for a job well done. I've made it a week on my diet, and I've endured some hard decisions but made it out alive thanks to the good Lord's guidance. I had a very important conversation with "The Ex" that should keep things going well. He admitted that due to circumstances he isn't interested in a relationship, and I'm glad to hear that he's realized that. We both agreed that we wanted to stay connected and friends and that if in the future, if things changed, we would be upfront. Neither of us are looking to play around with each other's emotions; we are both to old for that. I was so relieved to hear him say that. I was on my guard because I knew with so much history it would be easy to fall back into something just because of emotions. However, I knew that wasn't what I really wanted. If I am ever to be with him, I want it to be because of who we are as people now...

I've never been on a diet. (Thank you mom, dad, and God for my high metabolism.) But I would assume that when on a diet, like an AA member, it would be good to confess the "slips" you almost have. It seems healthy to get it out there. So here's the real truth about the ex boyfriend. The Ex, as he will now be affectionately referred to, was the only guy I ever loved. Despite enough drama to make us the lead characters in a CW hit teenage show, I honestly thought I would spend the rest of my life with him. When it all ended, I spent the next 8 years convincing myself I was better off and becoming a total independent woman. Then one morning I woke up to a generic friend request email from Facebook . The Ex has added me as a friend! WHAT? I haven't spoken to him in 7 years? How did he find me? Why? We exchanged a few pleasantries and that was all. Even though at the onset I freaked, I was able to go back to life as normal. He didn't want anything b...

So Sunday my favorite visiting preacher was in town. I think Pastor let him take a look at my blog before he preached, but I'm glad he did. He told me exactly what I needed to hear; it was a great reminder that God is in control. He talked about when the disciples were on the boat in the middle of the storm. They freaked out and ran downstairs to wake Jesus up. Jesus got a little snippy with them after He calmed the storm and said, "Don't you guys have any faith? Why would you think this ship would sink if I was in it?" Just a few stories later, Jesus is with His disciples, and they have a picnic, feeding 5000 people with a little boy's lunch. Had the disciples not gone through the storm, had their faith not been tested, they may not have had enough faith to enjoy the picnic. I suppose it really hit home when the preacher said, "If Jesus is living in your heart, you can't drown. You'll never go under." Hmm ...sounds exactly like my fear from my ...

....better build an Ark!  It's been raining here literally and figuratively for the past, say, 3 weeks.  Today was the first Saturday of sun since I can remember.  Maybe this means that the downpour of all the thoughts in my head will have a little break too.   Why is that everything can be going fine, and then all of a sudden, it all falls on top of you?  It's like everyone waits to drop their emotional trash all at the same time.  It's like I don't know which way is up sometimes.  The thing is no matter how much I analyze and run things over in my mind, I'm not going to be able to change anything.  What is suppose to happen will happen, right?   I don't even know where to begin with it all.  I don't want to process any of it.  I want it all to go away, but I'm afraid if it all goes away, I'll be left with nothing.  So perhaps it's all my fault for not just saying "I can't take the drama."  But to tell everyone to leave me alone, w...

"Why are you talking about me to other people?" "How do you know it was about you?" "If it wasn't about me, then why would that person have told me?" " Ok , so if you think it is about you, then maybe I told them because you aren't talking to me." "I'm not not talking to you. I'm talking to you. I'm just maybe not talking to you as in depth as usual. I've been busy." "Busy or avoiding?" "Maybe both." "Why is that?" " Cuz last time I talked to you, you didn't have anything to say back. So I decided I was just gonna go about my business until you decided to talk." "Well I'm talking now, or at least you seem to think I'm talking now." "I just wish you could tell me these things. Why do I always have to hear it from someone else? Makes me look dumb." "Just makes it look like you aren't listening to me." " Buh ! Fine! You win. ...

It's been an absolutely crazy couple of weeks, and I do apologize for not keeping you all updated. I'm sure you have just been at wit's end not being able to hear my rants and raves. I'm not sure how you have all managed without me! :) So I've had several hour long conversations with my ex-boyfriend, the only guy I ever loved. Mr. Amazing has been very attentive via text, and even said he missed me the other day. Go figure. On top of that, I've had some extremely stressful situations at school. Not just discipline issues but real frustrating, no answer available situations. Then I had to decorate for Prom last week and chaperon, but that was actually kinda fun, just time consuming! So my brain has been fried along with my emotions, and therefore I just didn't find time to blog. Plus I'm learning that too many people read my blog and so I have to be careful what I write. I don't want anyone to get their feelings hurt and I don't want one ...

I often pray things, and I know that God hears me.  However I'm not always sure He's listening.  I guess I just figure out of the 6 billion + people in the world, my requests aren't as important as starving people in Asia or displaced citizens of Darfur . Thankfully, God is listening, and my requests are important to him, even if I forget that sometimes.  What's also great is that He reminds me that He's working on things.  For example.... I firmly believe there is reason why I come in contact with every person that I meet.  I don't always know the reason, but each person is somehow significant in the development of my life. I often believe that there may not be any other reason for contact other than to share God with that person.  So as with Mr. Amazing, I've been certain that God has a reason for him walking into my life and showing back up all the time.  Therefore,  I pray for him weekly, sometimes daily, that God would do a work in his life.  I pray tha...

My pastor bought me a cute, abridged version of "He's Just Not That Into You" while he and his wife were on vacation. It took me perhaps 20 minutes to go through it. I laughed, I cringed, and I sadly nodded my head in agreement on several occasions. I read a few excepts out loud at lunch and my father said, "Why are you reading that? You already know all of it. You could write your own version." To which I had to reply, "I know that's what's sad. I know it, all women know it, and somebody made millions and even had it turned into a movie!" What is it about us that we can know it for everyone else, but when it comes to ourselves, we can't see it? But not to put all the blame on us, although girls should probably take most of the responsibility , why can't guys just say it? One excerpt read "A man would rather be trampled by elephants that are on fire than tell you he's just not that into you." Why can't they ju...

It seems like a lifetime ago when church drama was ruling my life, and yet it seems like only yesterday we gave birth to Grace Fellowship.  Regardless what it feels like, in less than 2 years we have moved into our new church building and had Easter Service right there in between the sheet rocked walls! Things have definitely not been easy.  There has been heartaches, tears, frustration, and doubts. But they seem so minor compared to the joys, happiness, love, and deep down change that has occurred in my church families' lives.   For those of you who don't know, we were able to purchase an old furniture store that was going out of business.  (A huge 100' x 100' metal building, or something like that!)  In about a month, we ripped up carpet, tore down walls, put up rafters, and sheet rocked the inside of our sanctuary.  This morning we had over 100 people gathered to celebrate the resurrection of Christ and the birth of our salvation.   Despite the fact that I've...

Well I'm no closer in making a decision about whether to invest or not.  I'm stuck between 2 ideas. 1.  I should give it up and guard my heart.  There is no sense in pouring out emotions, time, and energy on something that is obviously not working out or giving me what I need. 2.  I need to learn to trust God and others with my heart, and God is using this whole situation as a test of my faith in Him. See I have this huge tendency to expect the worst.  My idea is that if I expect the worst,  I won't be disappointed when it doesn't work out.  Not exactly the best faith exercise. I've done that since day one with Mr. Amazing.  I've anticipatied him screwing up, breaking my heart, or blowing me off.  E very time I feel myself getting a bit too close, I freak out and back off.  I've deleted his number from my cell 2 different times but eventually added him back. I honestly thought I could handle it.  I thought I could do this whole occasional "friend"...

YOU might be a school employee if you believe the playground should be equipped with a Ritalin salt lick.  YOU might be a school employee if you want to slap the next person who says, 'Must be nice to work 8 to 3:30 and have summers off.  YOU might be a school employee if it is difficult to name your own child because there's no name you can come up with that doesn't bring high blood pressure as it is uttered.  YOU might be a school employee if you can tell it's a full moon or if it going to rain, snow hail....anything!!! Without ever looking outside.  YOU might be a school employee if you believe, 'shallow gene pool' should have its own box on a report card.  YOU might be a school employee if you believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says, 'Boy, the kids sure are mellow today.'  YOU might be a school employee if when out in public, you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.  YOU migh...

How do you find balance in relationships?  How do you know when to invest your time and emotions and when you need to step back and guard your heart?  I realize that nothing is certain and there are always risks, but when do you know it's ok to let go and take a risk? Obviously I can't go through life unwilling to invest in others, unwilling to give too much, at the risk of being hurt.  However, I can't go around throwing my emotions, time, and energy to any and everyone. I suppose I'm waiting for an official "wanna go steady with me?" question, but that's a question that may never come.  (And yeah I know no one says that anymore, but it sure would make things easier.) What I have to realize is this is what I got...nothing more, but fortunately, nothing less.  Is it ok for me to start investing in this regardless of an official commitment ? It's not like I'm missing out on something great by waiting around.  There is nothing else.  I can't s...