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Showing posts from 2008

When I Speak Your Name

I praise sing at my church every Sunday if I'm there.  This Sunday it was just me, Mr. Guitarman and Mr. Drummer, as the other musicians and praise singers were out of town.  Well, we were doing our thing this morning, just an acoustic guitar, a little drum for rhythm and our voices.  We got to the last song, "When I Speak Your Name."  I didn't even make it through the first verse, and I began to cry. My mind went to the only other time I had sung that song in an actual service.  It was a Wednesday night youth service.  Before that particular youth service, I had a tiny melt down that no one really knew about.  There have been tough times in my life, but I never remember feeling what I had felt that afternoon.  I was lying on my mom's couch after dinner and before church.  It had been a bad day at school, I was facing some financial difficulties, and I was having my first issues with Mr. Amazing.  I can only describe it as the worst spirit of fear that I'v

Love - Cynicism = Christmas

I'm a pretty cynical person. It's not necessarily something I'm proud of, but it's who I am. I work on not being too cynical, but it's a defense mechanism. Sometimes in life, I've found, it's better to expect the worst, that way you don't get your hopes up. I'm not the biggest Christmas fan around. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love getting and receiving presents as much as the next girl. However, I get a bit tired of all the things we are expected to do just because it's Christmas. You have Christmas parties, Christmas programs, and all the other Christmas activities that aren't done because you want to but because you are obligated to do them. It makes my cynicism hit the roof if not kept in check. But last night, I was reminded what Christmas is about. I know a young boy with autism who is mesmerized by me. (I know...as if the boy didn't have enough on his plate!) Anyways, he just thinks I am the greatest thing in the worl

My New Theme Song

Have it Your way!

Tomorrow I will travel down a road I haven't been down in 4 months...literally.  I've wanted to go down it on several occasions.  Then for a little while, I wished the road would blow up offering no way to ever get to that point again.  But tomorrow, it will be the path for my journey. I'm very hesitant about traveling down this road.  The last time I traveled on it, I was excited.  I knew where I was going and positive about the future.  I had it pretty much figured out.  But then plans changed....or just flat out disappeared.  I've wondered if plans changed because it wasn't meant to be or if God was trying to make me trust Him instead of my plans. Now, I'm contemplating what the road will lead to this time.  Part of me hopes that nothing becomes of it because then I'll know it's all over and done with and possibly not experience anymore hurt.  But the other part of me desperately clings to the hope that, if even just for a few days, I find excitement

Bring on the Rain!

There has been an enormous amount of rainfall in the past few hours, and I'm very glad about it. The rain canceled a basketball game at school. So instead of staying to the school until 9 PM, I was able to leave at 3:30. That means for the first time in a while, I have a weeknight to do nothing! So far I've laid on the couch and watched TV. Now I'm at my parents house, going to eat dinner with them, and probably watch The Dark Knight . (Even though I saw it 3 or 4 times in theater.) Besides the rain on the outside, it's getting pretty stormy inside my head. With the resurrection of Mr. Amazing, my brain is going 90 to nothing. There is a possibility I'll be seeing him soon, and I know exactly how I'm going to handle the situation. It's not what I would tell other people to do. No, I'm sure I'll do the direct opposite...if I actually see him. And if I don't end up seeing him, I'll be mad for wasting all this time fretting over it.

I've Been Busy...

...so I'm sorry that I haven't posted anything lately.  I've had something to do every day after school.  I've helped my friend with her monogramming business, kept score at the school basketball games, taken pictures at the school choir concert, and helped a local business with inventory after hours.  On top of that I'm doing church stuff, going to the grocery store, and trying to do some Christmas shopping.   Whoever said this is the "most wonderful time of the year" was CRAZY.   As if that wasn't enough, Mr. Amazing texted me out of the blue today....I won't even comment on all of that.  I was really hoping to avoid a roller coaster; I just wish I had enough strength to walk away and not get on the ride.

Let's Start a Fire...

Well consider Mr. Amazing deleted from my phone and my life.  In the words of Taylor Swift, "He's just another picture to burn!" So I texted to tell him Happy Thanksgiving and that I understood that things didn't work out, although I wish he could have just said so.  I did say regardless of the situation, I was here if he ever needed anything and that I was thankful he was part of my life that year, if even for a short time. Perhaps I shouldn't have said anything.  Perhaps I should have just said "Happy Thanksgiving" and left it at that.  But I wanted closure, needed closure.  I didn't want to pine away at home, thinking that maybe, just maybe, he might remember I existed.  And I wanted to be nice.  I have no real reason to be rude, and I wanted to treat him the way I wanted to be treated. But just because you treat someone the way you want to be treated, doesn't mean they will actually come through with it.  Matter of fact, Mr. Amazing didn'

Just Looking for a Good Time!

It may not last too long, so I'm gonna celebrate it while I can.  Today was a great day.  If only for this weekend, things were fun and light and nice.  I'm not letting what could have been and should have been bother me.  Nope, I'm enjoying the present and be thankful for what I have.  It may not be what I imagined, but it's been fun nonetheless.

Definition of Fearless

To me, “FEARLESS” is not the absence of fear. It’s not being completely unafraid. To me, FEARLESS is having fears. FEARLESS is having doubts. Lots of them. To me, FEARLESS is living in spite of those things that scare you to death. FEARLESS is falling madly in love again, even though you’ ve been hurt before. FEARLESS is walking into your freshmen year of high school at fifteen. FEARLESS is getting back up and fighting for what you want over and over again…even though every time you’ ve tried before, you’ ve lost.  It’s FEARLESS to have faith that someday things will change. FEARLESS is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them. I think it’s FEARLESS to fall for your best friend, even though he’s in love with someone else. And when someone apologizes to you enough times for things they’ll never stop doing, I think it’s FEARLESS to stop believing them. It’s FEARLESS to say “you’re NOT sorry”, and walk away.  I think lovin

Dear God,

I don't understand it.  And I know that I'm not meant to understand everything.  I know that I am incapable of seeing the big picture.  I'm desperately trying to trust you completely.  I want to believe, but please help my unbelief. I know that I don't deserve anything.  Everything I have, everything I am, is only because you are a gracious father who wishes to bestow good upon me.   Forgive me for being selfish and bratty.  I know that things could be worse and that there are many, many others who's plight is 100 times more devastating than anything I could imagine. It doesn't stop my heart from aching but it lessens the pain.   You ultimately are the only one I need, the only one that can make me better.  I stand in awe of Your grace and love.  I'm amazed by You. The only thing I have to offer You today are my tears and my life.  It's not much, especially compared to Your greatness, but I give it anyway.  But the most amazing thing is that You find my

Boxspring Mattress Lessons

For the past 5-6 years I've slept on 2 mattresses. I wanted my bed to be soft and cushy so that I just sunk into it. That was all good, but now, my back hurts. Guess my age is catching up with me. Anyways, I asked for a box springs mattress for Christmas. For unimportant reasons, I got the box springs today. I laid on the bed, and it was hard and well, felt like a regular bed. Guess that's how I've been living my life for a while. I wanted everything to be soft and cushy and fun and youthful. But life is catching up with me, and grown up life is plain and hard at times. I'm realizing that it doesn't matter that I still feel like I'm 16; I'm not. I'm an adult, and I have to play by adult rules. I don't get a free pass from bills or dumb bosses or stupid guys because I don't look my age. This isn't a fuss or a pity party. I'm not crying about the situation. I'm just waking up to reality and pulling up my big girl pantie

System Shut Down

My body waved the white flag this weekend.  It's been a stressful, emotional, and tiring past few months.  So Saturday, it was quitting time.  I went to bed feeling pretty miserable Saturday, and Sunday morning I was in the throws of a full blown sinus infection.   I would like to proudly state that it has been a year and 2 months since my last visit to the doctor for a sinus infection.  But today when my doctor took a look at my throat, she stepped back and said " Ew , that is pretty bad!"  I got a shot and some antibiotics, so I'll be right as rain in a few days. As for taking a break, well, I can sleep when I'm dead, right? The stress part is not all my fault.  Things at school have been pretty crazy.  Professionally, I shouldn't discuss it with the blogosphere .  I'll just say we've been dealing with break-ins, vandalism, fights, sheriffs , expulsions, and new security cameras.  I'm not concerned for my safety or the safety of my students reall

My Pastor Says...

If you feel the need to gossip and "vent", go to your room and scream.  Then beat your head up against the wall several times until you pass out.  After that, you won't remember what it was you needed to gossip about! :)

Heavy Ignorance

Ignorance is bliss.   I'm not exactly sure who first coined the phrase, most likely the poet Thomas Grey .  But I'm finding that it's a pretty accurate statement, at least lately.   The less one knows, the less one stresses, the less worry, the less is required of her.  Sometimes I wish I didn't know all the things I know.  Sometimes I wish I didn't hear the rumors that I hear.  Sometimes I wish I wasn't privy to all the information about people that I know. When you know things, you have to react.  At least I do.  I'm not one who sits by idly.  As hard as I wished I could at times, I can't.  Then when I can't change things, I get frustrated.  Life would be so much easier, if I could just tend to me and no one else.  I know that isn't how things work, and I know that no man is an island, but I think things would be a lot smoother. I wished I didn't care sometimes.  I wish I could just turn my emotions off and not feel.  Sometimes feeling is j

Grey Advice

"For a kiss to be really good, you want it to mean something. You want it to be with someone you can't get out of your head, so that when your lips finally touch you feel it everywhere. A kiss so hot and so deep you never want to come up for air. You can't cheat your first kiss. Trust me, you don't want to. Cause when you find that right person for a first kiss, it's everything." -- Alex Karev , Grey's Anatomy

I can definitely relate!

“In my sealed world, a problem person who crossed over to the outside was briefly mourned and soon forgotten: an enemy all knew how to handle. They stood away from such a person. But a problem person who chose for whatever reason to remain inside became a feared and troubling liability, and ultimately a demonic presence. They didn't know how to relate to you, because you were inside and outside simultaneously; you blurred the lines of separation; they didn't know what to tell their children.” - Chaim Potok

More than just a Blog

There have been times where I've sat down at my computer, blogged my heart out, and walked away feeling 100% better.  Many times my problems have been solved staring at this blogger screen.  However, I've found that sometimes, no matter how much I dissect and discuss, the situation doesn't make sense and doesn't get better.  So I come back time and time again to write it all out and see if the therapy works.   Tonight, I find it doesn't. Life is hard....and it only gets harder.  Just when you think you have it all figured out, and you know your purpose, things get cloudy.  I guess in my naive youth I thought after college I would have it all figured out, and for a while, I suppose I did.  Then suddenly, here I am out of college, with a career, and still as clueless as ever as to what I want out of life. I guess what scares me is will I ever be satisfied? Will I ever finally get it all figured out and be happy with it?  Will I feel the need to change, to move, to rei

Positive Points

It's hard to be positive when  it's so easy to be negative.  But I'm going to force myself!  Here's the good things that have gone on this week.... I got paid $50.00 this week for helping out my friend.  I'm not sure if that's pay for the month or the week or just whenever, but it certainly did help out!  God has really blessed with opening this avenue up for me. I had a mini-talk with Mr. Amazing.  Things are better though not ideal.  But then again, when has anything been ideal for me?  He's busy and stressed but not dropping off the face of the planet.  That will do for now. I've decided to go back to school.  It'll be this summer before I can begin because I've got to take my GRE , get accepted to Grad School, and apply for a fellowship to pay for the schooling.  I'll still be teaching while going to school, so it'll take a couple of years, but I'm up for it.  I miss intelligent conversation and discussion but I'm sure it'

15 Minutes....and 14 Seconds....

My brother invited a few people over last night to watch the Kimbo Slice fight .  I'm not a follower of UFC or MMA , but when I catch it on or see it live, I do find it interesting.  There has been huge publicity about Kimbo especially because of his YouTube fights, and so I decided to stay up and catch the fight with everyone else.   Kimbo's fight was the main event so we had to watch the other 2 hours of non-important people fight first.  My eyes were getting heavy but I had made it this long.  I had to see the action.   2 hours for 14 seconds!  Yep, Kimbo got his tail kicked in 14 seconds.  Might I add that it was by some no name guy who was smaller than Kimbo and was picked last minute to fight him when his original opponent Shamrock was ineligible because of a cut over his eye. Like I said, I don't know a lot about MMA fighting, but because Kimbo didn't even FIGHT BACK...the match was called and some Steve guy won by TKO.  Couldn't believe it.   Kimbo

A Ram in the Bush?

A tiny light has busted through the cracks of my financial cave. I made an offer to a friend today, not expecting anything in return.  I was simply just trying to do a good deed and help her out.  She offered to pay me a little for my efforts.  So not only is she getting helped out but she'll be helping me out by giving me a little cash once a week.  It's not a fortune but every little bit helps! It's not that I don't think God will come through, I just stress on how long it takes him to get there. Although His time is perfect, He can still make a girl sweat.

All Together Now..."AW, Poor Kim..."

I'm broke.  Really, really broke.  Like I only have $7.00 left of October's paycheck.  Yep, I've already paid bills and have just a little more than a dollar a week to last me to November.  Then in November I have to pay my car insurance.  I don't have any money to pay the car insurance. Thank God I have my parents who can loan me the money until I can come up with it.  I need a part-time job.  I need a couple of more hours a day in which to have this part-time job.  I've got to do something... As if being poor wasn't enough worry, I'm beginning to think I'll never see Mr. Amazing again.  He's swamped with school and I'm swamped with all the things I do.  The weekends I have free, he has to study.  The weeks he has free, I have school stuff or weddings or whatever.  :(  Plus neither of us have a lot of money in which to travel with and spend on dates.  Text messages and phone calls are just not enough at times. So I'm money-less and boy-less

Something Missing?

Many times I wonder, if we could see through God's eyes, how amazed we would be at the stupidity of our "Christian" efforts.  I think we would laugh at our attempts to do right and be who we think we are suppose to be.   At times we might even be embarrassed of how far off we are from the mark. Not that being Christ like is unattainable or too lofty a goal.  No, I think we would find that we make it much more complicated than it was intended to be.   Please don't think I'm making light of a relationship with the Lord or saying that it's the easiest thing in the world to do.  It takes dedication and commitment of course.  But it's so simple to have a relationship with God that anyone can do it.  It has to be because everyone is entitled to it. Everyone is capable of it, yet many just choose not to accept it. Perhaps we are partly to blame for them not accepting God's love.  Perhaps we make it seem too hard.  Perhaps we make them think they are not worth

Full from Love!

I am full.  I am complete.  I'm not sure I've felt that way in a long time.  Something has always been missing.  Oh, I've been happy and peaceful, but never this complete because I've never understood the magnitude of love. I have friends and family.  I have people in my life that I know love me and would do anything and everything they could for me.  I have people that care about me spiritually and physically.  I have people that aren't worried about me making mistakes.  They are there to pull me up if it happens though.  I have friends that love me for me, not for what I can do for them.  There is a guy out there who likes me.  He may not be perfect, but neither am I.  The situation may not be completely ideal, but is it ever?  And he may not end up being "the one", but it sure is fun spending time with him!  He thinks I'm cute, and he texts me goodnight every night, no matter how late it is.  I also have a God who loves me unconditionally.  He has n

Sinners Welcome

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This sign was hanging outside the local coffee shop. I want it to be the theme of my heart.

Love from The Shack

I'm not sure where this post is going. I have several things floating around my head. Maybe it will become several posts, or maybe it will be just one long one. Most of this stuff will be excerpts from The Shack and my thoughts about the quotes. Some things will just be my rants... A brief background of The Shack: This man named Mack gets a letter from God to visit him at The Shack. The Shack is a very emotional scarring place for Mack and here he meets the Trinity. God (Papa) reveals himself as a black woman, Jesus is a Hebrew carpenter, and the Holy Spirit is an Asian woman. (Don't freak out or judge unless you read the book.) "How can you really know how I feel?" Mack asked, looking back into her eyes. Papa didn't answer, only looked down at their hands. his gaze followed hers and for the first time Mack noticed the scars in her wrists, like those he now assumed Jesus also had on his. She allowed him to tenderly touch the scars, outlines of a deep piercing, an

Falling

He tickled her and tossed her back towards the bed.  They began to playfully wrestle, and next thing she knew, she was hanging off the edge of the bed. "Don't push me off."  She seemed to plead in between laughs. "Why?  You scared?"  He teased, pushing her again towards the ledge. "Matthew!"  she screamed his name out a little loudly, this time startling even him. "Woe...you really are afraid of falling, huh?"  he grabbed her firmly saving her from any tumble towards the ground. The words resounded in her ears.  She was terrified of falling....both physically and figuratively. What if there was no one to catch her?  What if it hurt?  What if she was scarred beyond recognition from the fall?  What if nothing was able to put her back together? Yes, she really was afraid of falling, not so much from the bed, but from this high place that she had set her heart, away from the reach of any guy....well almost any guy. It seemed like her mind had be

Oh How I've Missed You!

It seems it's been forever since I've posted.  I hope you few faithful readers haven't given up on me yet.  In some aspects nothing new has been going on, but then again, my life has been radically changing. Mr. Amazing is still amazing!  I went to visit him this past weekend and I met a lot of his friends and his family.  He was so attentive and sweet.  Always there with his arm around me or holding my hand even in front of his best guy buddies.  He makes me feel pretty and wanted.  We still aren't "official" but I'm OK with that.  Right now we don't even know when we are going to get to see each other again.  Between his school schedule and my work schedule, it's going to be a little more difficult for us to see each other, but we both promise to try and make it work.  I do talk to him everyday if only via text.  But again, all of this is good enough for me.  I'm cool with taking things really slow because I would probably freak out if it we

No Sharing!

I don't really have anything I wish to share. Even though I enjoy talking about Mr. Amazing, I find that I don't want to share it to the whole blogosphere . I'd rather keep all his sweet, wonderful gestures more intimate than the world wide web. So if I'm not talking about him, I find that I don't have much else to share with you right now. School is going well, church is going well, and for the most part, life in general is going well. Maybe something interesting will lead me to blog soon.

Mr. Amazing meets Greenville

Mr. Amazing came to visit me for my birthday. It was the greatest, sweetest, most unrealistic weekend of my life. Maybe I'll post more later, but for now, I'm going to go enjoy the rest of my birthday.

Exhaustion!

I'm exhausted. Mentally and Physically. It's not the "I need a vacation" kind of exhaustion. It's a "I wish things would give" kind of exhaustion. It's nothing new. Things always seem to pile up at the wrong time. With the beginning of the school year on me, it just seems like I have so many things to do. Church events, weddings, showers, friends, football and softball games, students...the list goes on and on. In all of the chaos I'm still dealing with all the changes I'm going through spiritually and then watching my friends dealing with the same issues. I couldn't imaging my life without all the hoop-la but at times, I envy the lives of those with less drama! Then there is Mr. Amazing. He's still being amazing, and despite the faith I'm trying to have, I'm still waiting for the amazing to dwindle into "same ole crap." I remind myself that it's easy to be amazing when you're 3 hours away so that I

Back to High School...literally and figuratively!

School started back today. I'm exhausted from having to wake up early and from sitting in meaningless meetings all day. I tried to grab a power nap but text messages and phone calls ended that. I gave up hope because I didn't have too much time left. A friend from High School was in town so he took me to dinner and a movie. We had a great time and actually ran into 2 other friends from High School. One guy we saw took one look at me and called out " Kimbo !" my nickname from school. He kept going on about how it had been so long since we'd seen each other. We are both still living in town, and it's a small town, but we never have run into one another. The night was fun, catching up with old friends. For those of you interested, I have in fact talked to Mr. Amazing via phone or text messaging every day. He's always very sweet and still says he's trying to come visit before school starts back for him in a few weeks. I'm trying to take eve

The Truth

Here's the truth. Straight from my heart, and I may regret spilling it all out on the blogosphere tomorrow, but tonight it's driving me crazy. When it comes to relationships, good things don't happen to me. I have hilarious, one-of-a-kind stories about all the bad things that can happen. I can tell you of stalkers from every walk of life. I can tell you about Gerber daises and tulips being delivered from unwanted suitors. I can tell you about random conversations that would make you die from laughter. I can make you gag from the thought of certain guys throwing me a line. That's my life. For the past 6-7 years, my life has been unstable in the relationship category. The only thing I knew for a fact was there was no certainty. Each time I found myself possibly interested, it didn't work out. Sometimes I figured that out quickly, and other times it took me years of hanging on to much of nothing. I've come to accept it. I walked away from trying to f

Sorry...but not really!

I apologize for the lack of posts. I was out of town visiting friends and didn't have time to write anything. I'm leaving later today or Monday morning for a few days on the beach, so this week will be slim with stories as well. I am sorry. But...I have a great excuse! I met the cutest, most wonderful guy in the whole entire world a few days ago. It was like a movie or country song the way it all happened. I'm not exactly sure what's going to become of it. I'm trying my hardest to stay grounded and not just float all the way to cloud 9. Pray I won't become a total sap!

One Church

Tonight was the beginning of an extremely awesome combination of churches that I believe is going to rock the youth of the Delta! My church, along with 3-4 other churches, met up and had a huge youth service. Our youth band did the worship service and it was so great to help lead all the youth there in worship to our King. I know many hearts were moved and lives were changed. Friday night we are meeting at another church for another youth service. I can't wait to see how God moves again! It doesn't matter what our theological difference is. We are able to come together as ONE CHURCH and do what we were meant to do, worship God and share the gospel of Jesus! That's what it's all about!

Where? When? Here! Now!

Where did the church (as a whole) go wrong? When did we start to think that God blesses us to store it all up? Why did we think it is ok to hold on to what God gave us? Why aren't we giving out of our abundance ? Why aren't we helping the unfortunate at every turn? Instead we are praying "God bless me. God send this to me. God I need." Then when He provides we hold on to it for dear life as if He is not the owner of the cattle on a thousand hills, as if He doesn't have more where that came from. I've found that God is big enough to supply us with lots. Then when we've given to everyone we can find, we still have tons left over. I've found that God can take 2 fishes and 5 loaves of bread and feed 5000 with plenty to spare. Why does the church think they are the final say on salvation? When did we think we could take salvation into our own hands? Why do we think that works save us. Why do we try to put God in a formula. Why do we lay out certain standa

Love is Kind

Kim's Korner - What is Love - Kindness

Some-R-Stuff

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I've been doing a little proof-reading and editing for a friend of mine. He's written 2 books already, so I'm helping him out on a short story western that he wrote. He also is writing a story about a funeral in which every character gives a eulogy...kinda like The Canterbury Tales. While trying to come up with some more ideas for his book, I contemplated a whole new story. I've been writing bits and pieces here and there. I always wanted to write a book, so I may have parts of my first novel!? Tomorrow Boys II Men are going to be in concert here! I'm so stoked! I should have scored some free tickets, so I'll let ya know how it goes. I passed by a house for sale the other day. It was so cute and cozy and complete with a red door! Take a look!

Expiration Date

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My dad sent me this comic today. He said it reminded him of me. Hope my Expiration date is a little longer away otherwise I may be in trouble!

They Really Do Exist?!?

Today I had a huge ego boost. I had an all too brief encounter with someone today who afterwards had very nice things to say about me. It was said that I was "beautiful, talented, and way out of his league." I don't know if anyone has ever said that about me, and it made me feel very honored and girly . (I'm sure I'm not way out of his league though.) This guy also went on to say that when he is ready to settle down and have a serious relationship, he wanted a woman who wanted to be pursued and who doesn't need him for her own identity. He felt like I was the type of girl he would be interested in. He also added that the act of developing a relationship was lost on our generation. I was sure this type of guy was extinct. I thought maybe he was a myth like Santa Claus or the talking M&M guys, but I did shake hands this morning with a real live one! (I must interject also ladies that the guy was attractive, working on his master's, and loved the

What is Love

I'm not discussing it...

I don't want to discuss it because I'm tired of discussing it. I don't want to be bothered by the fact that he called me. He hasn't bothered to call in well over a week. It's only because he saw me. I want him to think about me with out having to see me. I don't want him to call and complain to me about his bad luck with the boss after he's already called and complained to other people. I want him to come to me first or not at all. But I can't be selfish and rude to someone who hasn't really been rude to me. So he can't give me what I want. That doesn't mean he's not trying to be the best he can. It's just not enough for me, but that doesn't make him a bad person. I want to be humble enough to be excited for his triumphs and pray for God's will in his life, even if it clashes with my personal plans. In my defense, I told him a while back I was looking for something more than "just hanging out." I'm sure he doesn&

Christmas in July

This is my not so attainable but not too unrealistic wish list . A new iPhone to relpace my old one with the broken screen. I've got to come up with $200 first. A better complexion. My face has been breaking out lately despite my daily proactive cleansing routine. A house with a red door. There is just something super cool about a red door on a house. One day when I get my own home, the first thing I'm going to do is paint the front door red. I want to be able to still live on my own yet have money to travel like I once did. I want to be able to look at a guy who is interested in me and not have a thousand reasons why I can't reciprocate the feeling. I want to feel butterflies and know that he feels them too. I want to be nausteatingly mushy with my guy in public just long enough to pay back those other mushy couples that make me vomit in my mouth. But not to be all needy. Here's a list of things I already have and am thankful for. I have an iPhone with a smashed

More Unwanted Guests?!

I found a dead mouse under the sink last night. I braved the wilderness without a hitch and then came home to it dead in my kitchen! I'll be contacting the apartment manager tomorrow. There's not enough room for more house guests. When we signed the lease, the manager said "Oh, we hardly ever have a pest problem, but we have pest control that comes once every 3 months." You know if something can happen, it will happen to me!

Back from Roughing It!

We survived the camping trip and actually had a great time! I'll be honest. 2 days was plenty of time for me. And next time, I'd like a nicer shower! But I do realize that for "roughing" it, it wasn't so bad. We did a 3 mile hike through the woods, climbed a few rock formations, and ended our adventures with a 6 mile canoe trip. My body is aching now! But all in all, it was so much fun, and the scenery was beautiful. We spent our nights sitting around our citronella candles singing praise and worship songs accompanied by Guitarman's Acoustic and sharing testimonies and asking meaningful questions about our fears and passions. Not only did we enjoy fellowship with our friends but with God and His creation! I'll add some pictures later, but now, I'm headed to my night soft bed in my air conditioned apartment!!

Camptown Lady Sing this Song...

I'm super stoked about an upcoming camping trip! We are taking the youth group camping in Tishimingo State Park Thursday - Saturday. The guys have gone on 2 camping trips prior to this, but the girls have never gone. I've never been period. So I can't wait. I've been informed that tents, heat, and mosquitoes aren't going to be too much fun, but I'm ready for the experience! I may hate myself come Saturday , but right now I'm too excited! I think that possibly the youth leaders are more excited about going camping than the kids are! I'm sure I'll have tons of stories to tell when I get back and plenty of pictures to post. So please forgive me while I'm out of touch for a few days. I plan on turning my cell phone off when we reach camp Thursday and not turning it back on until Saturday when we pull out!

Or maybe I didn't...

so apparently I sent the text message to the wrong number and not to the right person. Now I'm thinking if I didn't do it right maybe it was not meant to be sent??

I did it....

I avoided him for 5 whole days. Then I went out to eat with friends and he was there. Then I said yes when he asked if I wanted to go get yogurt afterwards. I should have said no. Two hours later, I'm getting back in my car wondering what that whole conversation was about. Was he trying to show me what he needed out of me or was he informing me that I could never give him what he needed. Then he texted . I shouldn't have replied but I did. Then he showed up at the softball game. Then he was at my friend's house. I should have stayed home. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. It wasn't the way I wanted to have the conversation but I couldn't avoid it any longer. I apologized for being snippy towards him earlier today but that nothing he did made sense to me and I used it as a defense mechanism. I also told him that he needed to decide what exactly it was he wanted from me and until then we didn't need to hang out. Of course, I texted all this b

Clarification

I've been extremely misleading to my readers about the guy I've been avoiding. He's not a jerk. He's probably one of the best guys I know. He simply is terrified of commitment or perhaps he just doesn't want commitment with me. I get frustrated with him for no reason usually. It's not as if I am as up front with him as I should be. Yes, he's said we should "hang out" and see where it goes. Yes he has given indications that perhaps he'd like to be more than friends, but I've never pressured him to give me a straight up answer. Anytime I do bring it up in the most remote way, he avoids the conversation. Then he acts as if nothing was ever said. That annoys me, but again, I don't really say anything about it. Why? Because I'd rather have him to complain about than to pressure him, he admit he never wants anything besides a friendship with me, and I lose him altogether. So technically I'm probably more messed up than he

Same Story, Same Page

So I've gone from avoiding to just throwing in the towel. I deleted his number from my cell. Of course I recognize it when he texts, but I don't remember it well enough to dial it in. That keeps me from texting him and asking him to go catch a movie. It means that any contact will have to be initiated by him. I just hope that this time I have enough will power not to add his number back in when he gives me that "I'm trying" line. I pray this time I'll be able to lay it all down on the line if need be. I just get so frustrated. If he's not the person God wants me to be with, then fine. I'm cool with that. I believe that God has a perfect will for my life and that includes a specific person. I could be with anyone and be in God's permissive will. But I want it to be perfect. And if he's not it, then fine! But why can't he go away??

Sunshine!

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I got this too cute dress from Target...I had to share it with y'all!

Proof

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that I can be maternal....

The Potter's Hand

Here's some music to tide you over while I try to talk myself into not avoiding the same thing I've been avoiding for weeks! :)

Painfully Fabulous

I have had the humbling opportunity to know that every guy I've ever dated or was interested in is now married or engaged. All of this has happened while I've been still single. To be honest, I never celebrated the fact the guy was getting hitched while I still had no one. There were a few times I cried, not for the guy, but for me. Every time the news came, I never said "He should have married me." Once glance at the happy couple in their wedding pictures, and I knew I was better off for not being the one getting married. I'm not saying all these guys were jerks and I deserved better (though some were and I sometimes did), but I have seen that every guy who I thought was THE ONE was not at all what I needed in my life. I ran across this quote today by CS Lewis and it went right along with what I wanted to blog about today... "We're not necessarily doubting that God will do the best for us. We are wondering how painful the best will turn out to be.

Bad News.....Good News....More Bad News?

No luck with Apple Customer Service. It cost $249 plus tax to put a new screen on. However there is light at the end of the tunnel.... If you haven't heard the news, Apple is releasing the new iPhone 3G. It should be on sale at AT&T by July 11 th . And the best news is it will only be $199! So why pay $250 to get an old phone fixed, when I can pay $199 for a brand new one. The downfall I am anticipating..."We're sorry but your contract is not up for an upgrade. Therefore you will have to pay to cancel your contract or pay the full price for the new iPhone." I have a whole month to pray and travail that the people at AT&T will have mercy upon me and grant me my wish...an iPhone without a jacked up screen! I know I'm not cursed, and that I'm a very blessed person, but sometimes I feel like if there is crap on the ground, I will step in it! :)

Stupid Clumsy Me and Stupid Apple iPhone

I am hacked! I don't know whether to cry or throw up! I dropped my iPhone on the ground. It fell screen first and shattered the screen. The phone still works, but the glass is chipping off the screen. It's very unsightly. You are thinking the same thing everyone else is thinking, "No big deal. You got insurance right?" The answer to your question is yes, but the problem is....APPLE WON'T COVER ACCIDENTS! I bought a 2 year coverage plan for a $399 cell phone and they won't cover the screen breaking! How ridiculous is that!?? It will cost me almost as much as it did for the phone to get the screen replaced. ($250) I mean, that's just down right highway robbery! Now, I'm still praying the good Lord will help me find favor in some poor customer service man's heart tomorrow when I call, but if not, that poor man (or woman) is going to get an ear full! I mean I'd just about have to sell a kidney to get my phone fixed. I realized I was buyi

Unwanted House Guest!

I do apologize for my inconsistency. Even though school is out, I'm staying extremely busy, and honestly, nothing exciting has happened to talk about. Until today.... Today, I saw a roach in my apartment! I freaked. I cannot stand those bugs! So I ran to my closet to grab a shoe and started looking under the bed. The roach was crawling to the other side. I ran to the other side of the bed, and the roach went back the other direction. I couldn't find him at first, but then I noticed one of his little nasty antennas in between the bed post and the wall. I got some brilliant idea to suck him up with the vacuum cleaner. When I got that out and put it up to the roach, he ran away. By the time I got the vacuum cleaner out of my hands and dropped back down to the floor, he had disappeared. Later my mom came over and helped me pull back my sheets to make sure he hadn't taken a nap in my bed. We still didn't see him. Mom reassured me that he had disappeared into a c

Sporadic Update

I cooked my first meal in my apartment. Yes, I've been there a month and it was the first time I turned the stove on! It was a Green Giant Chicken Teriyaki meal , but it was good! Today, I'm making stew in a crock-pot b/c I want be home until much later. I've turned into a culinary genius! :) Other than that, my time off has been busy so far. My friend has a monogramming business, so I've been working for her the past few days. I'll finish this order up this afternoon, then I'll be running errands, going to work out, and watching my brother play softball. My parents are on vacation in Asheville , NC. We got my mom tickets to the Biltmore Plantation and so they finally got a chance to go this week. Mom called to tell me all about it. I'm a bit jealous, but I'm glad they got to go. She's always wanted to see it. I'm going Saturday to help my friend look for bridesmaid's dresses. She's getting married September 27 th . I'm

Plans for Summer Break

School is out for the summer! However, I've still got a ton of work to do, just of a different kind. There are somethings that I've got to work on this summer. I'm still working on improving me. I want to start cooking. I want to work out even more. I want to work on keeping my apartment clean. I also want to work on my Bible Studies. I want to get to know God even more. I want to draw even closer to Him than I am now. But right now, I want to stop making this guy such a priority in my life when obviously I'm just an option for him. I want to stop hanging on to his good intentions. I want to wipe away all the "could be's" and deal with reality. It doesn't matter how much he loves God and how much good he wants to do. He can think I'm the greatest person in the world, but if he doesn't want me, then none of that matters. It's time to suck it all up and put it all on the line. We can be friends, but we can't go out on date

Expecting Nothing Now

I'm still working on some things....like lowering my expectations of others. You said you wanted to hang out and see where it progressed. I was cool with that. I didn't even mind being the one to initiate the hanging out. I thought things were improving, drastically. You were the one that "missed me." You were the one that "was trying." I realize that you are a great person, but you suck at relationships. And I realize that this isn't a steady relationship but whatever it is...it sucks. I'm trying to be patient because love is patient, and I know that you have issues. But "Made of Honor" is a movie! I'm not waiting around for you for 10 years to get your act together. So why did I expect any more from you? Why did I get my hopes up?

Be the Change You Want to See....

...in the world, in your school, in your workplace. You fill in the blank That's my new motto! I'm ready to see some positive things happen, and that's only going to happen one person at a tie What better person to start with than myself? I've decided to put myself out there, and do whatever I need to do to make things happen. I can sit by idly and wish things were better or I can make a conscious effort to change them. So if I don't succeed, at least I tried. And I don't plan to go out without a fight. My new motto was strengthened today at school when I heard of a recent student getting saved. She was a known lesbian, but in math class, she proceeded to preach to the rest of the class about how she's been changed. As the bell was ringing, she asked the kids to hold tight while she said a prayer. She ended it "God let something I said today touch someone." WOW! I was floored. Her boldness to get in front of the entire class and put all

More of My Journey

A friend of mine commented how much I've changed over the past year. He said besides the emotional peace I seem to have lately, there has been an outward change. He stated that I was taking time out for me, and it seemed to show. He's right. I have been having a ton of "me" time lately. Some of it has been fun: new clothes, new hair, new tan, even the new work-outs. But all the inward, emotional stuff has been down right difficult at times. It's not so easy to look at yourself and say, "You've got to change." It hurts to dig deep and expose light to the dark places of your soul. My recently discovered issue is that I don't trust myself, therefore, I don't trust others. As a result I keep my guard up with people as not to be disappointed when they don't live up to my expectations. My expectations of others are high because I expect too much out of myself. I'm hard on myself because I don't trust myself to just relax. I do

Weekend Wrap-Up!

I chaperoned prom Friday night. I couldn't help but smile when I looked at all the kids laughing and dancing. Although it was just a few years that I was at my high school prom, still the day seems so far away. I remember being just like those students thinking that I had reached the pinnacle of my life for the moment. And now looking back, it's nothing more than a vague memory. I left the prom and headed to a friend's house. Her children attend the school where I teach, so I helped her and other parents prepare breakfast for all the kids. About 3:00 AM, 50 plus students arrived. Some were drunk, some were fighting with their boyfriends, one was even sobbing, but overall they seemed to have fun. And they all made it home safely! I got to bed about 5:30 Saturday morning. I still have yet to recover from the lack of sleep. I saw a guy I graduated high school with Saturday afternoon. We briefly caught up with the latest on who's gotten married and who moved whe

I Don't Want to Grow Up?

If this is the real world, I'll take a fake! I got a speeding ticket today. It was in a school zone. They say the price will double as a result. I don't have the money to pay for a speeding ticket. I had to pay rent and utility bills and car insurance. So this is what being broke feels like? I don't want to get use to it. Besides being broke, I like living on my own. I know it's going to get better. It has to get better. It was a step I had to take sooner or later. I can't live with my parents forever, and I can't wait around thinking that Mr. Right is just around the corner. Maybe he is, but then again, maybe he's not. The thing with trusting God is that things don't work on your time, they work on His. That's kinda hard to get use to, but I'm trying. And knowing that He loves me more than anything helps out a lot!

The Woman at the Well

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Mommy, Wow, I'm a Big Kid Now!

I'm sitting in my bed, in my apartment, stealing my neighbors internet ! Things are good! Being on my own for the first time has been pretty good. I'm not going to say I haven't missed home, I have, but not so much that I want to go back. Not that home was bad, I'm just ready for this new stage of my life. I've fought with the cable company and gone grocery shopping today. I am officially a big kid now! :) As for the rest of my life, I had a minor break down last week. With everything going on, I got a bit overwhelmed. I had a few doubts about some things that I was trying to turn over to God. But after a bit of prayer, tears, and sleep, I was able to reanalyze everything. God continues to amaze me everyday. It's as if I re-discover God's love and grace every morning. I'm so glad and honored to be His child!

No More Freeloader!!

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I am in my own apartment!! Yeah!! >

Still going

I'm still slowly traveling down my new spiritual path. I can't say it's been easy, but it's been very peaceful. I know that many of you have probably experienced or are experiencing now what I'm going through, so I hope that you gain encouragement while reading about my progress. Most of my posts in the new few weeks and possibly months will be sharing this experience with all of you. The first week was pretty euphoric. I felt a wonderful peace of God after admitting my faults and misconceptions to God. Forgiving and asking for forgiveness and leaning on God's love has been very refreshing. However, What I've found in ridding myself of performance-base religion is that you no longer have things to hide behind. When my relationship was built on my abilities , it was easy to keep myself busy performing certain tasks. It didn't require me to open up and share my insecurities. I didn't have to face the things I didn't like about myself. B

T-Minus 5 Days!

So I haven't been nervous about moving out at all. Until today. I seriously could have thrown up, I got so freaked. I'm not a irrational person. I usually think things out well in advance. This time I kind jumped into this without thinking about anything, really. Now I'm doing all the thinking, but it's too late. There's no turning back, and I'm pretty overwhelmed right now. There is still a lot to be done this week. There are still a ton of adjustments to make. You won't be hearing much from me until this is all settled.

Oh No He Didn't!

So I finally texted messaged the guy to thank him for the flowers . I had "forgotten" his note at school yesterday in which he had left me his number, so I couldn't contact him until today. Seeing as that I don't know this guy's last name (sounds like a country song, huh?) and I've only talked to him 2 times in my life and wouldn't be able to even accurately call him out of a line-up, I figured texting was a safe bet. I mean, I wanted to be nice, but I didn't want to give him the wrong impression. My text was simple "Hey this is Kim. Just wanted to say thanks for the flowers, that was really nice." 3 hours later he replies. "A Text? Well, Anyway, You're welcome." WHAT!?? Did you just act as if I owed you more than a text?? I didn't ask for the flowers! Heck, I don't even know you! You should be glad I even bothered to send your half-gay self a text! But actually, it kinda worked out nicely because his rudene

Tulips...My Favorite!

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I got flowers today. They just came from the wrong guy. They came from the guy we thought was gay . So maybe he's bi-sexual. Either way, I've got some letting down to do I think. :(

The Drama Continues

So maybe avoiding you for a few weeks made you realize that you miss me. I expected that. What I didn't expect you to say "I ain't playing no more. I'm trying to be serious now. You know how I am, but I'm trying." I don't know how to take that. I mean, I'm glad. I've wanted you to say that for a while now, but what does that mean exactly? Does that mean you want to take it slow, does that mean you want us to be together? Or is that something you just said and will forget about next week. And if I knew at the end of the night you were going to say that, then I would have been more honest instead of aloof. I couldn't open up thinking this is going to be the same as last time: me saying a bunch of stuff and you acting as if I never said anything. And now this other guy is wanting my number, and I'm not really interested in him, but I figure I could give him a chance if there is no chance for us. Because I can't sit around and wai

All Before 10:30 AM

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It's Saturday, and I woke up at 6:00 AM. I threw on some sweats and headed out the door. I was hoping to hit a few garage sales and pick up some cheap furniture for my new apartment (Yeah, I'm moving out! I'll give you the details on everything later in the post.) However, being as it's not the first of the month, there were only a few sales, and they didn't offer anything I needed. So by 7:00 I was back at the house. I thought about going back to bed, but I honestly wasn't sleepy. So, I headed to the computer and wrote some emails. My pastor sent a very cool Youtube video that he wants me to try and do, so I listened to it and copied down all the words. Then I sat on my bed and went through a short bible study about Love and read a chapter in a book my pastor gave me. I also burned a letter. (I said, I'll explain it all later.) After that, I headed to the Y and went 3.75 miles on the elliptical machine and did 100 crunches on the ab machine. An